Page 32 of If the Stars Align
“Of course!” I say with a bright smile. “Thanks so much.” Mrs. Dexter squeezes my shoulder as she moves past me into a stall. She mustn’t have noticed that my heart is shattered.
I guess I’m a pretty good actor too.
The trip home is hell. Dex and I sit in the back of his mom’s Jetta, and I look out the window the entire time. We’re silent, but his dad’s playing his Simon & Garfunkel CD, so no onenotices. At one point I take in a raspy breath, and Dex reaches for my hand. I let him take it. He holds it in his lap for the rest of the car ride.
And I die, a little death. But it’s so very different this time.
Iglance at the clock on my nightstand again. 4:23 a.m.
If I’ve slept at all, it’s not for more than a minute here and there, in between panicking, and crying, and replaying the night over and over in my head. Wondering where the hell things went wrong at Ben’s wedding. Trying my damnedest to make sense of Sunny’s sea change.
Before we sat for dinner, everything was going great. Maybe my mom’s weepy speech at the table altered the course of the evening. When she took Sunny’s hand—told her she thought of her like a daughter—then started going on and on about how much we all love her.
It’s true. We doalllove her. But saying those words to Sunny? Andright therein front of me, when I haven’t yet told her myself? She started biting her lip. And her cheeks turned red. I could tell she was flustered. Embarrassed.
And I know my mom had the best of intentions. But the truth of the matter is, she just doesn’t get it.
When I tell Sunny I love her, I want her to say it back, ofcourse. But what would her “I love you” mean if she doesn’t know who I really am?
Sunny has no idea my mental health hangs by a thread. That I wake up sweating. Consumed by dread. It’s the most awful thing about me. I can be Dex all day, but at night, sometimes, I’m still Ollie.
That’s why I auditioned for community theater. I knew Sunny would be tied up at my dad’s office this summer, and it’s brutal spending long, lazy days without her.
Thank god I got cast in the role of Lysander. It’s nice knowing he gets his happy ending. Better than nice—it feels freeing. What a goddamn relief to be him instead of me.
But under it all I feel like a fraud, and at some point I’m positive I’ll break. It’s bound to happen eventually, right? I’ll have a panic attack on camera, or on stage. I can see it all playing out. Beads of sweat on my skin, shallow breath in my mic. My worst nightmare come to life. My darkest secret under a fucking spotlight. And who will I be then?
And will Sunny still love me if she sees me that way?
What is there to love about a guy who’s Ollie by night and Dex by day?
But I can’t tell my mom all of that. She’s already suffered so much with every pregnancy loss, and I don’t want to add to her struggles. I had to come up withsomethingto say, though.
As soon as we left the table to find coffee, I knew she’d start firing questions at me.
“Dex, why haven’t you told me you and Sunny are together? You’re more than just friends…it’s obvious, honey. So why not make it official? Your dad and I would be thrilled!”
More than just thrilled. It would be their biggest dream come true. Not only theirs—but mine as well.
For a minute I reconsidered.
But I could see myself crumbling under the pressure. How long could I keep up this act that I was perfect? Would I ever be the man that Sunny deserves? No—first I needed to get a handle on my anxiety. If I focused on acting and tried to ignore it, maybe at some point I’d finally outgrow it. Then I’d be worthy of Sunny’s love.
“It’s complicated, Mom, because of the distance. I don’t think we can handle more than a casual relationship.”
I definitely could have phrased that better. My mom looked disappointed in me.
“Acasualrelationship won’t work with Sunny.If you don’t tell her how you feel, you might lose her, Dex.”
“She knows how I feel, Mom, we don’t need to label it.”
“Labels are important, honey. Just have the conversation. She loves you too, can’t you see? It’s written all over her face. The two of you are meant to be. You have nothing to be afraid of.”
Afraid.I wish she’d used a different word. That one definitely struck a nerve.
“I should get back to Sunny,” I said, squeezing my temples. I started to make my way back to the table. That’s when I ran into Uncle Ted.
If only Sunny had heard me talking about her. My uncle was so happy to see us together. He couldn’t remember when Sunny and I met, so I reminded him we’d been bestfriends since kindergarten. That’s when my uncle took a step back and nearly knocked over a young woman standing behind him. She was tall, with blue eyes and blonde hair. And she was staring at me. She looked like trouble, that’s all I’ll say. Luckily, she spotted a friend and walked over to her.
