Page 48 of If the Stars Align
“I want to watch the sunrise with you,” I tell him. Asher smiles and kisses me. I hand him his glasses from the nightstand, and we put on our clothes and walk to the rocks by the lake. We sit,and he holds me as the sun begins to appear above the horizon.
“I love you so much,” he says, staring at the sky ahead. It’s dark blue with murky wisps of coral.
“I love you too,” I tell him. My pulse quickens because I know exactly what he’s going to say next. And I dread it.
“We can do this, Sunny,” he utters softly. “Bloomington is only four hours away, and we both have cars. It won’t be hard.”
My heart sinks.
He pulled the thread.
I have no choice but to face reality now.
I have the perfect boyfriend. We’ve been together for nearly a year, and he’s treated me with nothing but love and respect. He’s smart, and motivated. Not to mention, he’s hot…he cooks…andhe’s great in bed.
And Istilldon’t see a future with him.
I still don’t love him as much as I love Oliver Dexter.
And I hate myself for it.
I hate myself for stringing him along—but I was sure I’d be over Dex by now.
Well, it’s been nearlytwo fucking years.
Six hundred and eight days, to be exact.
I give up. I surrender.
But if I tell Asher the truth, it will shatter him. I don’t want him to think he did anything wrong. He’s the gold standard of what a man should be. It’s not his fault that his girlfriend is irrevocably in love with someone else.
So I blame it on the distance.
“We’ll be busy,” I finally say. “Eight hours is a lot to drivein one weekend, especially with all the studying we’ll have to do. We’ll end up canceling, and postponing, and disappointing each other. And then we’ll break up anyway, but during grad school, when there’s so much more at stake.”
The look on Asher’s face devastates me. “So you’d rather give up before we even try? Iloveyou, Sunny. I want to try.”
I can’t hold his gaze.
“But I guess you don’t,” he continues when I don’t say anything. “So why did you do all this for me tonight? Just to break up with me?”
“Of course not,” I say, my eyes filling with tears. “I just wanted to show you how much I appreciate you. How much I love you. I’m so sorry, Asher.” I sob. “I didn’t mean to break your heart.”
Asher looks at me and nods. Then he says exactly what a perfect boyfriend would say. “I know you didn’t.”
I take his hand and hold it in my lap.
We sit in silence for a few minutes. Eventually, he lets out a resigned breath. “We should go,” he says, quietly. When he helps me up, his fingers are still threaded through mine. “I’ll walk you back to your dorm,” he offers, which brings another round of tears to my eyes. He deserves so much better than a girlfriend whose heart belongs to her ex. When he meets the love of his life one day, he’ll be happy I did this.
Before we leave, Asher turns to face the sky a final time. We watch hand-in-hand until the bright sun shines above the horizon.
That’s when we let go.
It’s the first time I’ve been back in Beachwood since Dex and I broke up. I can’t imagine he’d be here now. He’s a college graduate, like me, but he’s probably busy in LA, auditioning for a movie role, or a TV show, or another commercial for acne products he’ll never need because his skin is so goddamn perfect. Still, I took the long way to the grocery store yesterday so I didn’t have to drive by his house. Even if Dex isn’t home, running into his parents would be almost as painful.
I haven’t seen Mia since I last left Beachwood either. There are butterflies in my stomach as I wait for her at our favorite high school coffee shop. Andnotthe good kind of butterflies. Although Mia and I are still friends, we’re definitely not as close as we once were. It’s my fault, for pulling away. Through all the ups and downs with Dex, then Asher, I’ve found it nearly impossible to be myself around her. She deserves to be excited about her future with Evan. But if I tell her the truth about howI’mfeeling, it’s bound to kill the mood, and I don’t want to feellike I’m bringing her down all the time.
When she walks through the door, though, Mia is beaming. “Sunny!” she squeals as she runs over to hug me. Her eyes are misty. “It’s been too long,” she says.
