Page 84 of If the Stars Align
Since Jeremy’s whispered confession the other night, I’ve spent hours wondering what I’d say if he told me he loved me again—outside of a drunken stupor. But I couldn’t come up with ananswer, so I decided to wait and see how I felt in the moment.
Now I know. Jeremy and I have had the friendship thing down pat for years. But tonight I found out that our physical chemistry is off the charts. Our connection was electric. Explosive. Jeremy was rough with me, and dominated me, and I never thought I would enjoy that—but I did. It was just as intense as being intimate with Dex but, at the same time, wildly different. Which is a good thing. My feelings for Dex and Jeremy are wildly different too. But there is a common denominator. When friendship and passion mix like this, what else could it possibly mean?
I nod. “I love you, too, Jeremy.”
Jeremylovesmorning sex.
More often than not, he’ll wake up first and, while I’m curled up on my side, still deeply asleep or dreaming, he’ll wrap his arms around me and spoon me. Then he’ll start kissing my neck, and my back, and my shoulders. When I begin to stir, I’ll notice how hard he is, pressed against my ass, and I’ll reach for him. Then he’ll slide his hand between my thighs and, when I’m wet, he’ll push my underwear to the side and thrust into me.
It's not a bad way to wake up.
Unfortunately, there’s no time for that this morning.
I have my first solo court appearance today.
I’ve been to court a few times since I started at the firm nearly two years ago, but only with a more senior attorney, and mostly to observe. But today I’ll be appearing on my own to argue a simple motion in an employment discrimination case. All I have to do is ask the judge for a one-month extension of our next court date so we can review newly discoveredevidence. In the litigation world, this is a pretty basic endeavor, and something that Jeremy wouldn’t even bat an eye at.
Yet I’m so nervous, I could hardly sleep last night.
I wake up before Jeremy does and jump in the shower. Afterward, I grab my new designer pantsuit and sleeveless silk shell from his closet. This outfit alone costs more than all the clothes I packed when I moved to Chicagocombined—but Jeremy insisted on gifting it to me for my first day as, what he calls, a “real” litigator. He loves surprising me with lavish presents. While I certainly appreciate it, I’ve never been the type to indulge in expensive trends. My favorite outfit is a pair of worn-in jeans I’ve had forever, a slouchy cable-knit sweater that can’t help but fall off my right shoulder, and sneakers. I want to be able to move in my clothes. I want to eat a hearty meal without worrying about my waistband digging into my stomach afterward. I want to wear shoes I can feel my toes in. According to my litigator boyfriend, that was fine for law school, but it’s not the world we live in anymore. I guess he has a point.
Once I’m dressed, with hair and makeup done, I eye my reflection in the mirror.
Sometimes, I barely recognize myself.
My work clothes feel like a straitjacket.
I’ve started to miss my curly hair.
My curves have all but disappeared too. At my firm, taking an actual lunch break is frowned upon, especially when you’re still a relatively new associate. I’m practically chained to my desk and, while the breakroom is stocked with snacks and ample leftovers from client meetings, I’m always so busyfielding urgent requests for research that I often forget to eat until I’m shaking from low blood sugar. As a result, I’ve lost several pounds.
Jeremy loves my willowy physique, although I don’t think he realizes it’s the product of work stress. I try not to complain too much, because I want to give this job a fair chance. I worked really hard to get here, and I’m still hoping that, with time, litigation will begin to feel more natural. Until then, I’m doing my best to grin and bear it, knowing that, at the end of the day, I get to spend the night with Jeremy.
I love how attracted he is to me. I love that he has to have me first thing in the morning, like most people need a cup of strong coffee. He tells me all the time that I’m the best sex he’s ever had. That’s the sentiment, at least. What heactuallysays is much lewder, and makes my cheeks turn bright red.
We’ve been practically living together at his place since we first had sex a year ago. Things moved quickly between us, but Jeremy said that’s what happens when you find the person you’re meant to be with. At first, those kinds of comments gave me pause. I always thought I was meant to be with Dex and, suddenly, there I was in a very serious relationship with another man—already discussing our future.
But if any doubts about Jeremy crept in, I’d remind myself that I’m safe with him. Jeremy won’t abandon me for a starring role in a Broadway show or, worse yet, for a Hollywood starlet. He says I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him, and he’ll never let me go. And I believe him. He’s hardly left my side at all since we’ve been together.
He’s the stability I’ve always wanted—and I’m all in.
I haven’t told Dex about me and Jeremy. I actually haven’t spoken to him on the phone since I found out he was dating Ava Elwood. I couldn’t bear the thought of calling him while he was with her. I could so easily picture her laughing at my expense—saying something to Dex, like, “I can’t believe you still accept phone calls fromcommoners.” And then she’d straddle his lap and start kissing him.
It’s ironic. Reading the headlines about Ava and Dex is essentially what drove me into Jeremy’s arms and, less than a week later, they were broken up. Their reps issued a press release which, if I remember it correctly, went something like this:
“Although the pair enjoyed their time together, Ava and Dex have decided to part amicably due to conflicting work schedules.”
I wonder whatreallyhappened between them.
Ava seems to have moved on quickly. Just last month, she announced her marriage to a Brazilian football player who’s nearly as attractive as she is. It must have been a shotgun wedding, because rumors are circulating that she’s also pregnant with their first child.
Dex, meanwhile, has been linked to half a dozen impossibly gorgeous women since his split with Ava. But nothing seems to stick. I don’t know how he could possibly maintain a relationship even if he wanted to, considering how busy he is. Since his debut, he’s made two more films that were also met with rave reviews. He’s one of the most sought-after actors in the business now. It’s like everything he touches turns to gold.
The only time I hear from him is when he texts to tell me he’s changed his cell phone number, because of a stalker, orsomething. And when he does reach out, we’ll message back and forth a little bit. But we only ever chat about work, and nothing personal.
Dex Oliver is larger than life now, but it’s nice to know he still thinks of me sometimes.
I know I’ll always think of him.
