Page 9 of If the Stars Align
I find my old journal and flip through each page.
Find the stars Sunny drew me in fifth—no, sixth grade.
Sixth fucking grade.That’s the year I was bullied. It started on a Monday, in the boys’ locker room. Tommy Giannetti approached me with his minions. He called me a pretty boy and spat in my face. Then he pushed me into a wall while everyone laughed. The next day it happened all over again.
The fourteenth time he cornered me, Tommy and I were alone. He had his hands around my neck, and I thought he wasgonna choke me. But he planted his lips on mine instead. If I snitched to anyone, he swore he’d fucking kill me.
Tommy never kissed me again because we were never alone together again. But he bullied me plenty more times. And I never told anyone. Not a soul. Not even Sunny.
I started having bad dreams again, though, almost nightly. But I didn’t yell out for my mom anymore. I was too old for that. Instead I sat up in the dark, sweating and panting, my heart racing, my fingers trembling. Sometimes I’d wring my hands to try to keep them from shaking. It was hell on Earth. I was afraid I was dying each and every time.
But I spent every minute of the summer after sixth grade with Sunny. And for three perfect months, I had zero worries. I also had a massive growth spurt. I was taller than Tommy when we went back to school in the fall.
I wasn’t scared of the locker room that day. I waited for the boys with an actual grin on my face.
“What the hell are you smiling at, Ollie?” Tommy said with his menacing glare. But his expression changed the second he realized I wasn’t only taller than him—I looked a lot stronger now too.
“It’s not Ollie anymore,” I retorted. “Call me Dex.”
And Dex punched Tommy square in the stomach, while the Ollie inside me did a happy dance. Tommy doubled over, groaning, as the boys surrounding us whooped and hollered in disbelief. From that day forward, his crew followedme.
“If you tell, I tell,” I whispered in Tommy’s ear.
Tommy clutched his stomach. “Got it, Dex.”
Yup, I was Dex now.
Dex was cool, calm, confident.
He was popular and adored.
He was an act.
A performance I put on for survival. To deal with the anxious little kid inside me.
Yes, Ollie’s still here beneath the façade. I wish he weren’t. But these are the cards I was dealt.
The only time I’m ever my true self is when I’m with Sunny. Whether I’m Ollie or Dex, it doesn’t matter, I don’t even have to think about it then. When I’m with her, I’m free. God, I love making her happy. The way her cheeks go rosy and her eyes light up. The way I feel her joy, like warmth, in my own body.
Sunny is everything. My entire world. But I’ve never had the nerve to tell her the truth.
God, I wish I’d been more bold.
But wasn’t I bold when I kissed her at Evan Chen’s house? It had beenmyidea to play spin the bottle. I’d lost hours that week practice-spinning. But when it was my turn to play, my hands were shaking—and the bottle didn’t spin as fast as I anticipated. It pointed to Sunny’s left, it was obvious. But I kissed her anyway. If you ask me, I’d say that’s pretty damn courageous. I figured now she’dhaveto know how I felt about her.
But nothing changed. I was devastated.
Then at Laura Levine’s bat mitzvah party, Sunny spent the entire night being chatted up by Asher. I don’t know why I was surprised. Of course other guys were interested in Sunny—how could theynotbe? I couldn’t wait any longer to tell her how Ifelt. If I didn’t act fast, I was going to lose her. That’s when I walked up and asked her to dance.
Sunny smiled coolly and gave a little nod. It wasn’t much, but it was enough. I grinned so wide when she walked into my arms. We’d hugged thousands of times, but to be able to hold her and not let go…
It was heaven.
I closed my eyes and swayed with her, and breathed in the scent of her hair, sweet, like strawberries. And maybe a little powdered cheese, if I wasn’t mistaken. I loved the smell of powdered cheese. And I loved her. So much.
And finally—finally—I was going to tell her.
But as soon as I opened my eyes, I caught Sunny smiling atAsher.
