Page 30 of This Kind of Forever
“Is that stupid?” I ask. With everything I do, there’s always a seed of doubt that takes root.
Gabe shakes his head. “You’re allowed to feel however you feel about this, and you’re allowed to do what feels right to you. No one, least of all me, can tell you any different.”
I wish someonecouldtell me what’s right. Which path will carry the least amount of heartache. I’m not good with the unknown. In that liminal space, my brain is free to make up whatever scenarios it sees fit, to prepare me for the worst. And then I spiral.
But Gabe’s gaze, warm and trained on me, lends me strength. I may not know what will come of this, but if I don’t try, I’ll only be left wondering. Do I want to live with that for the rest of my life?
“I want to meet him,” I finally say.
Gabe nods as he holds the paper out. “Then you should reach out. You’re not obligated to do anything beyond that, but at least you’ll know.”
I take a step closer, back to him, and take the letter. I run my finger over the surface. “Thank you. I didn’t mean to fall apart on you, but thanks for holding all my pieces. Helping me put them back together.”
He stands from the bed, and his familiar scent invades my senses again. “As long as I’m around, that’s never something you’ll have to do alone.”
I don’t deserve this. You. Your kindness. He would only refute it if I tried to tell him, so I don’t. But the guilt wraps around me anyway, like the comforting embrace of an old friend.
TWELVE
GABE
For the thirdtime this morning, I knock on my daughter’s bedroom door. “Let’s go, Abbs!” I call. “I have to get to work.”
“I’m going fast, I promise!” she calls back. “One more minute!”
Abbie has been dressing herself for school for the past couple years, which is great. Except it often leaves us running late because she changes her outfit countless times and refuses my offers to help.
I sigh as I check my watch again. My mom is supposed to be bringing her to school this morning, but for that to happen, I need to drop her off at Haven House before I go to work.
I head back downstairs, double checking Abbie’s lunch bag is packed. Mornings have certainly grown more chaotic since she started school, but I wouldn’t change them for anything. In fact, on the days she’s with her mom, I miss it. The only thing I would change is her being able to stay with me full-time, but I know that’s not fair on Larissa. It’s for the best Larissa and I aren’ttogether, but it sure does burn not having my kid home with me every day.
When Abbie still hasn’t made it out of her room a few minutes later, I jog back up the stairs. Standing outside her door once more, I raise a hand to knock again when, down the hall, the bathroom door swings open. Turning, I’m met with the sight of Hallie. In absolutely nothing but a goddamn towel.
Slowly, my fist lowers to my side, and my mouth runs dry.
“Oh.” Her cheeks flush as she freezes in the doorway, clutching the fabric to her breasts. Her hair is tied in a loose bun atop her head, purple and blonde strands overlapping. She still has a sleepy look in her eyes, like she isn’t fully awake yet. “I…thought you were gone already.”
Thank fuck I wasn’t.
Words escape me as my eyes rove her body. From her bare legs up to her exposed collarbone. The towel does little to hide her curves, and I’m doing little to stop myself from drinking her in. From thinking about how beneath that threadbare towel, Hallie is naked.
So incredibly naked.
For a moment, we both stand there, at an impasse. My brain is woefully empty, my tongue tied. Even after ten years, after her rejection, she still manages to have this effect on me. I should be over this, over her. But every second I spend in her presence is a reminder that I’m not. I’m not sure I ever will be.
“I, um, forgot something in my room,” she rushes out. And then she darts down the hall and slams her door closed behind her.
Hanging my head, I brace my hands on either side of the doorframe in front of me and stifle a groan. No matter how hard I try, I can’t get her image to leave my brain. It’s now a permanent fixture, like so many of the memories I have from before. Including the day I told her I loved her and she ran away.
Abbie’s door swings open then, and she chooses this moment to appear, finally dressed for school. “I’m ready, Daddy!”
With a sigh, I push away from the wall, letting her slip by as I pull my shit together. She bounds toward the steps and then grips the rail, skipping downstairs. I spare a final glance in the direction of Hallie’s room before following after Abbie.
What sweet fucking torture.
Call me whatever you want, but if this is the price I have to pay to have Hallie in my life again, I’ll pay it happily. I’ve always been greedy when it comes to her.
Somehow, I managed to only be five minutes late for my shift. I hate being late, but it has been happening more frequently as Abbie decides to take liberties with our morning routine. On days like today, it’s inevitable. Luke doesn’t say anything, but I can tell he doesn’t like it, and that’s almost worse. If I were anyone else, he would’ve already lectured me about being more punctual and not making this a habit.
