Page 3 of Swipe Right for Orcs
Please don’t be a cheating fuckstick.
I like wine, horror movies, and reading thrillers.
Made this while drinking. Might deactivate when sober, so hit me up before then.
I tappublish and little sprinkles rain down from the top of my screen, congratulating me on completing my profile. Now I get to swipe left or right on the monsters and if we match, it will growl at me and flash‘It’s a Monsterly Match.’
The first profile I see is a kraken with sleek, dark scales and webbed hands. Tentacles frame his face, and his deep black eyes seem to peer into my soul. Konnor is his name, and his bio reads:Loves deep dives, ancient secrets, and long walks on the ocean floor.
“I’m not much of a swimmer. Sorry, Konnor.” I swipe left and the next picture instantly pops up; a three-eyed alien guy. “Nope. Too much for a beginner.”
A minotaur is next, tall as heck with muscles for days that are covered in tawny fur. Strong arms lead to powerful hands and two sharp horns spring from his forehead that amplify his chiseled face. I read theAbout Mesection aloud.
“Care to explore the maze? I promise the journey will be worth it if you can keep up.”
Oh, yes, please. I wanna get lost in that body. I snort a giggle and swipe right. Mitas, the minotaur, better do the same when he sees my profile.
My fourth monster is an orc—I think that’s what he is, anyway. Big muscles with green skin that contrasts sharply with the tight black t-shirt he’s wearing. He has long dark hair pulled back into a loose, messy ponytail and two little tusks that jut out slightly from his lower lip. I mean, minus the green skin, tusks, and pointy ears, he’s very humanesque… and sexy. Very sexy.
Right swipe.
A growl emanates from my phone as our pictures appear side by side, the text dropping onto the screen:‘It’s a Monsterly Match.’
Somehow, this hot-as-sin monster found me already. Either he was online at just the right moment, or the algorithm decided to work fast.
“So the orc has good taste too,” I murmur.
I have the option to message him, but I hesitate, unsure of what to say. Instead, I click the exit button, ready to see who else is out there. Another profile pops up—a unicorn with a blond mane that’s giving me serious Fabio vibes.
Left swipe.
My phone chimes and an envelope icon fills the screen before a claw appears, opening it like a letter opener.
They really went all out for this app.
It’s a message from the sexy orc.
Osric- Hello pretty girl. Are you a fairy as your name implies?
Of course,he thinks I’m a freaking fairy. Thanks Mom for the name. Now I’m going to tell this hot-as-sin monster I’m human and he’ll probably ghost me.
Me- Human. My mom thought she was unique. Is that a problem?
Osric- Nope. Fairies are too stuck up for me, anyway.
Me- Good to know. So what made you swipe right?
Stupid.Stupid question.
Obviously, he thinks you’re hot. It’s not like this app asks for deep, soul-searching answers.
Osric- You’re sexy as hell, but I liked your bio. Are you really drunk?
Me- Drank half a box of wine already.
Osric- That will do it. Were you at a party? It’s Halloween. Shouldn’t a pretty girl like you be out with friends dancing or celebrating?
Me- I was supposed to be at a party, but my now ex decided to ditch me and go with his side piece.
