Page 115 of No Safe Place
‘I got as far as the grounds of the crematorium.’ He sighed.‘But I’d spent a year and a half with Paige, and the others, just us.’
Callum struggled for the words to explain, looking up at the stained ceiling. ‘I couldn’t be there, with her family. I didn’t want to see her mum and sister again.
‘My parents blamed me, for getting ill. I moved in with my nan, and apart from a card at Christmas we don’t speak. Lily hasn’t spoken to her mum or her sisters since she was sixteen.’
No one spoke. He was aware of Maxwell next to him, aware that this would be fodder for future therapy sessions.
‘Paige was so loved. I didn’t want to meet her school friends, and her cousins and all the other people in her life – all the people who never abandoned her. I didn’t want to compare my grief to theirs.’
He took a big breath of air, and met Field’s eye. ‘I told you. I’m selfish.’
‘Here’s your medication,’ Maxwell said, handing over a bulging paper bag. ‘They’ve given you enough for two weeks. There are beta blockers in there, in case you need them, but try and only take them in emergencies.’
‘Sleeping pills?’ Callum asked, peering into it.
Maxwell folded his arms. ‘They’ve actually given you a high dose of amitriptyline. It should make you tired but won’t be as addictive as a sleeping tablet, short-term.’
Callum nodded, and pushed the pills into his rucksack. As long as he could close his eyes without the image of Sam bleeding to death in the street, he didn’t care what the pills were.
They left Maxwell’s cramped office and walked towards the ward’s entrance, Callum carrying his rucksack and his red parka in his arms, a protective bundle between him and everything else.
‘The police have been in touch. You can go home. Everything should be cleaned up, so – so you should be all right. You know they’ve offered to put an officer outside your house tonight? Just in case—’
‘No,’ Callum snapped. He couldn’t face seeing the bloke from that night. ‘No police.’
‘Okay.’ Maxwell raised his hands. ‘But keep your phone turned on, in case they need to get hold of you. Plus, you’ve got my number. If you need anything over the next few days, you call me, okay? Or get Lily to ring.’
Callum nodded. ‘Have you spoken to her? Lily?’
The urge to count as they walked was overwhelming. His footsteps, the floor tiles, the squeak of Maxwell’s right shoe.
‘I haven’t heard from her.’ Maxwell shot him a worried glance.
He’d have liked to have her here, for this bit, but Callum shrugged. ‘It’s okay. She’ll be at home, I guess.’
They stopped by the doors to the ward, and a few of the other patients eyed him with interest.
‘Thanks, Doc,’ he said quietly. ‘I didn’t think I’d—’
Guilt rose in him. How many hours had he spent with David, over the years? How long had they spent together, working through Callum’s many regressions?
‘I didn’t think there would be another doctor who would get this stuff,’ he said, weakly.
Maxwell shrugged. ‘I’m sure there’s a lot I don’t know yet. Ultimately, you’re the expert on what’s going on and how you feel, Callum. But I’m here, and I’m on your side, okay?’
Callum shrugged his rucksack over one shoulder. It was only light – some clothes the police had brought him from home yesterday, some leaflets from Maxwell, and the meds.
Maxwell sensed that he didn’t want to prolong the goodbye and held the door open for him.
Callum walked through it.
The hospital was quiet. There were a few people Callum assumed were relatives or visitors, clutching flowers or bags of food. Some looked harassed or stressed but most seemed upbeat.
He followed the signs for the exits without thinking about it, keeping his mind deliberately empty.
A woman in shorts glanced at the winter parka he was holding with a mildly amused expression. He wanted to tell her to fuck off.
But he didn’t. The cool air-conditioned corridors finally gave way to baking afternoon heat, as he took a deep breath and walked through the Maudsley’s front doors.
