Page 120 of No Safe Place
She looked at it over his shoulder. ‘You were angry with the house?’
‘No.’ He brushed a tear away with his other hand, then covered his eyes with it. ‘I wrote to the house and asked it to keep me safe.’
He stayed hidden behind his hand, and Lily noticed that he was gripping the side of his face so tightly that the skin beneath his fingertips was bright white. The sinking in Lily’s chest had nothing to do with the diazepam. She wanted to wrap her arms around Callum, stop him talking, take his pain away.
‘I’m outside. I’m outside again, Lil, and I just want to call David to tell him.’
Lily clenched her jaw, every muscle in her face, trying to repress her own tears. She leaned backwards so the wall was digging into her back, above her shoulder blades.
‘But I can’t tell him, now. I can’t call him, and I can’t thank him.’ Cal let his hand fall from his face, his usually dishwater-coloured eyes bright green. Another gargled laugh. ‘I felt like I was cheating on him, with that new doctor.’
Lily wiped tears from both their faces. ‘You can’t think like that, Cal.’
He nodded, then lay backwards on the pavement, arms splayed, head on the thick ridge of the kerb.
She had a moment of hesitation, thinking of neighbours and passers-by, then lay down next to him, and looked up at the bloodshot sky.
Callum left his parka on the low wall of their house, like leaving flowers at the side of the road after a car accident.
They walked up and down residential streets. They had easily been walking for over an hour, in no particular direction.
Cal read the door numbers and gave her hand a squeeze whenever they passed a “9”. He was crying, silently, the tears falling down his cheeks and onto the chest of his T-shirt, where they dried quickly.
She didn’t remember choosing to hold his hand, or him taking hers. His palm was dry, despite the heat of the afternoon. He only let go to roll cigarettes.
It’d felt like this before, between them. A long time ago, when they were both ill. They were only able to speak about the hardest things, only able to deal in truths. Every conversation tore something from them or opened an old wound.
So – they didn’t speak. They spent whole days, before, in total silence. It wasn’t allowed, but most nights Lily wouldgo into Callum’s room and sleep in his bed. Both fully clothed – nothing ever happened. They just needed to be near each other.
Finally, as Lily’s feet were starting to ache and the sun was dipping behind pink cotton-candy clouds, they were back on their road.
‘Lil—’
Cal stopped walking and she turned to him, her anxiety sparking at the thought of having to go back into the house, to sit down and talk about what had happened with Scott. Try and figure out what would happen next, or pick through their memories of Sam and David.
‘Lil—’ he said again, and his voice broke.
She lifted her free hand to wipe away a tear and Callum trapped her palm against his cheek.
Lily looked up at him. Nodded. ‘Okay.’
Then he kissed her.
Chapter 85
Sunday | Afternoon
Callum
They staggered into an alleyway between two houses. Lily was against the wall, and despite the urgency between them, he was careful not to let her head hit the bricks.
It wasn’t lust; it was something else.
Something more desperate and more needy. She needed him and he needed her, and as his hand formed a fist in the hair at the back of her neck Lily pressed closer. It was like they could undo the last few days – kiss away the last year of being apart.
Lily’s knee pushed between his legs.
He knew she was going to bite his lip a second before she did it, and as the pain registered, as she drew blood, he pulled away, his breath ragged.
