Page 63 of No Safe Place
‘Cal started writing his novel while we were still in the Maudsley. The first half is during treatment. The second half is after. David wasn’t the only one to get published off the back of it.’
Scott looked confused, and she realised he didn’t know about David’s paper. She was too tired to explain that as well.
Lily thought back to the books on her bedroom windowsill. Her copy ofDarlings, Obsessedwas mixed in with other books on madness.One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest,The Bell Jar.Perks of Being a Wallflower. Woolf, Vonnegut, Kane. PaigelovedSarah Kane. Always aspired to act in a production of4.48 Psychosis.
Lily kept cuttings about David’s career tucked inside the madness books, like pressed flowers.Psychiatry Monthly’s firstwrite-up of their study, articles in the local paper, David getting his medal from the king – safe between the pages. She wondered if the police would search her room, move the books around.
Scott cleared his throat.
‘It’s all fiction,’ she said looking down at her hands. ‘Callum’s book, I mean. The story and the characters were made up, but the charm of it was that the actual OCD and stuff – that was really us.
‘We did lots of creative stuff. David encouraged us to write fictional versions of ourselves.’ She sniffed. ‘Write out the best-case scenarios. The worst-case.’
She twisted to look at Scott. He hadn’t moved. Through the wide window behind him, the sky was beginning to darken, turning blusher-pink at the edges.
‘I can’t believe she’s dead,’ she whispered. ‘Sam – she was there when I arrived. We were together on that ward, every day, for almost two years—’
The sobs came and Scott wrapped her in his arms, squeezing her tight until they subsided, patting her firmly on her shoulder like she was a burping baby.
The nausea was building again, and she twisted her body to try and ease the feeling, pulling away from his hug.
Scott swallowed. ‘Can I say something?’
Lily nodded.
‘I think on some level, I already knew.’ His voice was deeper than usual. ‘I knew there was something about you that you were holding back. Holding back from me, I mean.’
She wiped her nose on her sleeve.
‘You know I would never have judged you, Lily.’
‘Of course.’ She frowned. ‘Why would you judge me?’
‘That’s my point,’ he said, a note of frustration in his voice. ‘I never would.’
Chapter 39
Thursday | Evening
Lily
She asked Scott to go to the shops for almond milk and peppermint tea – two things she could be sure he didn’t have in – and he reluctantly obliged. Lily eased herself out of the bed, to look in his fridge.
The shelves were gleaming, not a speck of food or dribble of sauce on the glass. His cleaner’s work.
Scott took pride in eating healthily.
Where the vegetable drawers in her and Cal’s fridge were empty, apart from slabs of chocolate and a few sugary yoghurts, both of Scott’s were full.
The first was fruit. Red apples, one lemon.
Lily opened a paper bag. It was full of fat, seasonal strawberries. Bought at the market, not Tesco, to save using a plastic carton.
She dropped them back in the drawer.
She didn’t want to open the vegetable one. Spinach andkale and cucumber – never cooked but blended to a thick, ripe pulp and downed at breakfast.
He was sogood, this man. Fucking perfect.
