Page 99 of No Safe Place
Field waited.
‘I just think, if there was something to know – they’d have all known it.’
Chapter 67
P:My sister gets up every morning. Gets dressed, goes to school. She just had her first kiss, got her first boyfriend. She’s getting good grades.
D:We’ve talked about this, about comparing yourself to others.
P:I’m not comparing myself to just anyone though, am I? Because we’re both a product of the same environment.
D:P—
P:I was always the dramatic one. The one who had meltdowns in the aisles of the supermarket. The one who needed all the attention.
Pause
P:That’s why no one believed I was ill.
Pause
P:That’s why even if I did tell, no one would believe me.
Chapter 68
Saturday | Morning
Callum
Maxwell put a coffee down in front of Callum, then took a large gulp of his own, and sat down heavily.
‘How did you sleep?’
‘I should probably say I slept really well,’ Callum said, trying to suppress a yawn. ‘In case you don’t let me out. But to be honest, I had a shit night. I kept seeing – you know. What happened.’
‘That’s a totally normal trauma response,’ Maxwell said. ‘And the fact you’re able to talk to me about it – that’s good. That’s really good, Callum.’
He wanted to shrug off Maxwell’s praise, like it didn’t mean anything to him – but it did.
Callum looked past Maxwell, out the window. The tree outside had yellow leaves, scorched by the sun over the last few weeks.
‘I want us to come up with a plan, before you leavetomorrow,’ the doctor went on. ‘Steps we can take to process what you saw happen to Sam, and what happened to David. Early warning signs that you’re not coping, strategies that might help when the anxiety builds.’
‘Can you speak to Lily? About when I get out?’ Callum picked at the skin around his index finger.
‘Of course.’ Maxwell leaned back in his chair. ‘I have a question, actually. Relating to Lily.’
The flap of skin gave way and a bloom of crimson slid down his nail bed. Callum sucked the blood from his finger and nodded at Maxwell to continue.
‘You said yesterday that you ended it, with Lily. I’m interested to know why.’
Callum went back to examining the leaves, adding up how many were visible in the top-left pane of glass and focusing on the iron taste in his mouth.
‘I hadn’t been well for ages, and then about two years ago, I just stopped going out. I don’t even know why, or where it came from. I just knew I couldn’t do it anymore. At first, I thought it would be a few weeks, or a few months, but after a year—’ He had to stop for a second, catch his breath. ‘It was draining her. Working all day, looking after the kids in her class and then coming home to me—’
Every evening the door would slam, and she’d call out to him. Every day she’d try and mask the fear in her voice, the terror that she might find him crying or covered in blood, or in the middle of a full-blown psychotic break.
And some days he didn’t call back. Stayed silent, in his room, letting her panic for those few extra seconds, to remind her that he needed her.
