Page 9 of Healing the Leonid Doctor's Heart
And who is to say that she wants someone like you, Marcus?The bitter voice of doubt in his head warned him.
“It would make it so much easier if they did want me. If they wanted a family with me, even one based on practicality, not passion.”
Why does she sell herself short? She deserves passion.
Why don’t you show her that?
“All of those years on Sapien-Three, there was never anyone to tell you how much they wanted you? How much they admired you?” Marcus suddenly demanded, knowing that he had just taken the proverbial leap off the cliff. He was in mid-air, and he had to hope his hoverpack would work. Abigail was controlling the switch.
“I... I worked in a career where I mainly saw my colleagues. Ninety percent of them were women. There was one man. We clicked for a bit, I thought, but—it only lasted three months.”
“Then there’s some stupid human on your former planet, kicking himself.”And there’s a very frightened old King standing in front of you, wondering if he’s doing this all wrong.Marcus unclenched his paws and forced them into the pockets of his blue uniform, running into a dozen different bits of medical flotsam and jetsam accumulated through the morning.
Say it, Marcus. Say, I want a family again, Abigail. Not just any family. I only started thinking this way when you arrived. I don’t think that’s a coincidence, even though I’ve tried to tell myself otherwise. Even in my dreams, my late wife lectures me, telling me that your arrival here is destiny, a miracle, that I shouldn’t be a coward and miss my chance.
“I want a family again, Abigail. Not just any family. I only started thinking this way once you arrived and I... I had a friend again.”No! No, no, no, fuck it, the wordfriendwas not supposed to be in there!
But, it was too late to swallow his fear, or find the courage, or whatever it was that had just derailed him so hard that he bit his tongue and tasted blood. The words were falling, and he was falling, and Abigail was looking at him with wide, shocked eyes.
Anytime, now, Abi. Show me that I’m going to fly—or let me crash now; end the wondering.
Marcus swallowed. “I don’t think I’d recommend you for some cold, clinical sort of surrogacy, not because you lack anything, but because you have such an abundance to give. And because I’m selfish. I want you to be mine.”
“Yours? Your what?” she gasped out, voice living in some strange valley between happy and frightened.
Whatever you wish. Partner. Co-parent. Queen. Yes, my Queen. My lover.But aloud he said, “My friend andmysurrogate. If you’re serious about this, that is.”
HER HEART WAS SHOOTINGup and up and up, colliding with the top of her head.Am I serious about this?I was just talking about it. I was serious, but I never expected...
It was true. She might have wished or fantasized about Marcus taking a romantic interest in her, but she would never have expected this outcome.
Friends, he’d said.
Marcus’ voice pierced the bubble of clamoring, conflicting voices in her head. “Abi? Are you serious about this? I’m sure you need time to think it over. There are lots of Leonids who could offer you more, probably set you up with a brand new life in one of the biggest cities on the planet, and I’m sure some would be amenable to some sort of co-parenting arrangement.”
Sure, some might be richer. Some might offer me that chance. But none of them would be Marcus.
Building a new life was scary, and she wanted to build the second half of her life—hopefully the half she would truly enjoy—with the people on this ship, the ones she’d come to trust and value.
The top of that long list was Marcus.
It’s a gamble to start over, to even think about this. That’s a risk you have to take when you love someone.
Love someone? Do I love him?
Does he loveme? No, he can’t. Friends, he said.
That’s fine. It’s not like I love him. Is it?
Do I love him?
No, I love things about him. I love being his friend.
“Abigail, I usually find the way we can sit in silence comforting. Reassuring. There’s an easiness to it that I enjoy, because when you’re a doctor teaching something new to an entire galaxy, and also trying to keep a crew alive, it’s stressful. But this time, it’s killing me. Tell me you hate the idea so I can gofind Kamau and drink a bottle ofborde, and then we’ll pretend this never happened.”
“I don’t want to pretend this never happened! I can’t believe this has happened!”
Marcus stared at her for a second. “Can’t believe it in an ‘Oh, how wonderful!’ way or in an ‘I can’t believe this old gray-maned idiot would be so inappropriate’ way?”
