Page 5 of Below the Far Horizon
Grace figured it was probably more the latter, but it felt morelike the former. That’s how she felt about herself. There was no grace for the mistakes that she’d made or the problems that she brought on herself.
It wasn’t too long until her sisters left, and Grace was left sitting alone beside her mother, wondering if her mom really wanted to talk to her or was just trying to shoo her other daughters out so they could take a much-needed break.
“I’m sorry you had to come back in such terrible circumstances. I have to admit I’m a little hurt that you didn’t talk to me at all,” Gita said, adjusting herself to a more comfortable position.
Grace sat for just a moment, just soaking in the feeling of someone caring. Why had she not wanted to come home? But then she realized she was the one who was supposed to be taking care of her mother. She got up and fluffed the pillows, tucking one closer down into her lower back.
“How’s that?” she asked.
“Are you avoiding my comment?” Gita said before she said, “That’s just fine.”
“I suppose I am.” She forced her throat to work. “Mom. I’m sorry. I guess I was just so…driven to show everyone that I could be successful. And by successful, I mean money and houses and cars and stupid stuff that doesn’t matter now. Because I lost it all. It doesn’t matter how successful you are; it can all come crashing down.”
“I’m surprised that Lonnie turned out to be such a terrible cheater. I wouldn’t have guessed.” Her mom truly sounded distressed.
“I know you didn’t know him very well when we got married. But I thought I did. I thought we would be together forever.” She didn’t know what else to say, and she shrugged her shoulders, lifting her hands, indicating that she didn’t have the words. “I guess that’s what everyone thinks on their wedding day.”
“I don’t know about everyone. But that’s what I thought, too. It’s hard to imagine someone cheating after saying vows in front of God.”
“There’s so much temptation from so many different directions. So many ways you can see other people who are cheating and enjoying it and trying to convince you that it’s not that bad.”
“I was concerned when you got married so young.”
She had been twenty-two and hadn’t graduated from college. All ofher friends had slept around and weren’t in a huge rush to get married. They had said exactly what her mom said, that they didn’t want to get married young, but she and Lonnie were trying to live what they believed. Grace could roll her eyes over that, since she hadn’t lived what she believed in any other area. She’d been so desperate for money and prestige and all the trappings of showing everyone how she’d become successful in the world’s eyes that she lost sight of the things that really mattered.
“I don’t think it’s the age I got married. We didn’t fornicate before we were married like so many of my friends. I didn’t want to go that route, and Lonnie agreed.” Looking back, she wondered if he had agreed, or if he had just been happy he found someone gullible enough to marry him. Or maybe he’d just been placating her and figured a wife would be a good cover for his escapades.
She’d already been through all that. The idea that he couldn’t possibly have been pure like he had claimed on their wedding night, and wondering how many women he’d been with before her, and how many he’d been with during their marriage. The idea made her sick to her stomach, and she had to shove it aside. She’d spent more than enough time thinking about that, and she didn’t want to have those thoughts in her head anymore at all.
“I admire that. I think you have that part right,” her mom said firmly, as though she needed to reassure Grace of something.
“Thanks. I had so many other parts wrong.”
“All the things that you had wrong are things that you now know are wrong, so you can learn from them.”
Her mom was a big believer in positive thinking and in turning trials into stepping stones. Grace had heard that all her life. Maybe her mom was right, but sometimes a person just wanted to wallow.
Of course, wallowing wasn’t a good idea. One could really spiral downward quickly.
“I think you’re right, Mom. I need to do that. I just haven’t figured out how.” That was a problem. How did she make those things magically become the stepping stone she used to turn her life around and become…better?
“I think you’ve done the right thing. You’re here, and there is nopressure, although you’ve always been very good at crafts and artsy things, and you’ve loved doing them, too. Plus, I need help. I didn’t tell this to the girls, but I had trouble keeping up with the latest trends. I… I guess I’m a little burned out. Or maybe lonely. I’m not sure.”
Grace blinked. “Mom. I didn’t know.”
Her mom waved a hand as though it were nothing. “I didn’t want to burden anyone. Probably like you,” she said with a little smile. “But you girls have been gone for so long, and it’s just day in, day out, more of the same. I’m tired. Maybe it was a little bit of the pain of my hip, but I just lost my spark for life.”
Grace didn’t know what to say. Her mom was always happy and energetic and the kind of person who always found the positive no matter how hard it was. To hear this shocked her.
“Mom. You are the most positive person I know. I can’t believe you’re saying this.” Did her mom need a change of scenery? Was she saying she wanted to move? Michigan winters could be brutal.
“Maybe you just need to get on a dating site and find someone.”
Her mother laughed. “Maybe. I tried a couple of sites, but it’s so easy to lie. I’ve been tempted to lie. And I’m not normally a liar. I don’t know how I could trust anyone to tell the truth on those things, you know?”
Her mom was right. It was always best to have someone helping to sort truth from fiction. “You shouldn’t have done that without someone knowing. Did you tell Stacy or Jill?”
“I haven’t told anyone.”
