Page 79 of Road Trip
Chapter Nineteen
Abra
Spending the night in Kelly’s place made things seem more real. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. We showered, made love, held each other until we fell asleep, then got up together in the morning and had cereal for breakfast. It was unreal. I loved it and it scared the shit out of me equally.
“I’d love to take you for a ride—”
“Look, Kelly, I should let you get back to—”
“To what?”
“To whatever it is you need to do.”
“Why do I get the feeling you’re going to say this is it?”
Um, maybe because I was thinking about it. I felt selfish for wanting to keep him close to me knowing what I was going to be dealing with.
“Look, Kelly—”
“No. Abra. Please. Go home if you need to. Do what you need to do. But meet me for dinner, or say you’ll call me and I’ll call you every day, or that you’ll come back tomorrow. That’s what people in relationships do. Just because you’re leaving to go be with your family doesn’t mean you’re traveling to some dark secret place where I can’t ever see you.” He put his hands on his hips and exhaled harshly.“Don’t walk out that door without telling me that you’ll see me again.”
“If you only knew how true that last statement might be.” I heaved a big sigh. “Kelly, we both have a lot going on right now. I’m not walking out on you. I’m just not sure what’s going to happen.” And I didn’t want to walk out. I wanted to run with him far away from all of our garbage. I didn’t want to see that broken look on his face.
“Because of your mom? Jesus, Abra! Why can’t you trust me to handle it? Maybe there’s some other reason you want to keep me from getting closer to you. I don’t know what else I can do or say for you to trust me.” That hurt look was suddenly replaced with his business face, like the one I was sure he used when he was on duty.
“Here. Let me help you get your things together.” He started to walk away, a dejected posture about him.
“Kelly,” I said firmly as I walked toward him. He didn’t turn to look at me.
I moved directly in front of him and tried to get in his line of sight. “Hey, Farm Boy. I don’t want this to be it either.”
He finally met my gaze, and I wasn’t sure he was quite ready to trust me.
“I meant everything I said to you,” he said quietly.
I smiled at him, but he had closed off. Ugh, I hated this. Was this immaturity on his part? Or was I being that big of a bitch?
I kept it together as he walked me out to my car. He opened my door for me, put my bag in the backseat, and then just stood there with his hand resting on the roof of the car. Not knowing what else to do, and not wanting to leave like this, I walked into his space and wrapped my arms around his body.
It took a minute, but those massive arms crushed me to him. I felt him take a shuddering breath and kiss my hair.
“We’ll talk soon?” I asked, hating every minute of this goodbye. It was all kinds of wrong.
He pulled back, kissed my forehead, and nodded. “Soon.” There was no smile. He let go, and I climbed reluctantly in my car. I sat there for a minute in my seat. He hesitated, too, keeping my door open.
“Thank you. That was the best time of my life.” He gave me a half smile and closed the door.
What the fuck was I supposed to do now? I wanted to jump out of the car and hop on his back and wrap myself around him screaming, “You’re stuck with me now!” Instead, I drove away like the coward I was. I probably could have said or done something else, but I had so many mixed feelings about being with him…
Focus on the task at hand, I told myself. I drove home from his grandparents’ ranch, which took about twenty minutes. It was a Saturday morning in the East Bay, so traffic was light. I pulled up to the house I rented with Jilly on D Street and trudged inside, dragging my shit to my room. I had my car and bags all unpacked and my first load of laundry started before a wave of grief and exhaustion hit me.
What had I done? What was I supposed to do now?
I traded texts with Jilly. She was staying at her girlfriend’s place for the day but promised to be home tonight so we could grab some dinner. Then I called Gran.
“Hello, darling. Are you home?”
I told her I was back home and wondered if she needed me to pick anything up before I came over.
