Page 100 of Everything's Better With You
“That was beautiful,” Leslie said, moving forward tentatively. “What’s it for?”
“New choreography forDance Machinebut also to show my beginning dance class.” He tilted his head to the side. “How did the doctor’s go?”
Leslie shoved his hands in his pockets, moving forward two more steps.
“Good, um, the doctor doesn’t see anything on my scans to be concerned about. He wants me to see some specialists about my migraines and for cognitive therapy.” He shrugged. “I’ll do whatever he says,” he added.If it means I have more time.
Joe nodded and chewed at a thumbnail. “That’s good,” he said. He turned back toward the mirror and looked around, finally grabbing his shirt. He slid it on and turned back around, but his body language seemed tense, as if he were looking for an escape route.
“Joe,” Leslie said, holding his hands out. Then he let them fall. “I...I don’t know what to say. I thought about it all day but I—”
“We said we would be honest. We wouldn’t keep things from each other.”
Boom.Joe’s words hit Leslie hard. That was the truth of it. They had made that promise and Joe had done his part. He’d told Leslie about his job situation even though he knew Leslie wanted him to stay in Ayre Valley. He’d been honest. “I know.”
“I kept wondering why you were in such a hurry, besides the fact that we’d waited so long. I didn’t understand why the rush?”
“Because what if I don’t have the time? What if my TBI becomes CTE? What if I lose myself?” Leslie blurted the words out. He laid himself bare before Joe, like the wooden expanse of floor between them. “My father was about my age the first time he threw a chair through a window in the house because he was pissed at my mom. That was how it started. He’d throw shit. It quickly descended into a time of terror for my family.” He really didn’t want to tell Joe the horror stories, hoped he wouldn’t have to, not now. “I’ll tell you more, I’ll tell you anything, but it was bad, Joe.”
“Leslie, Iknowyou. I know your heart. Never for a minute—”
“And people said the same about my dad. Well, people who didn’t live with him. He always had a bit of a temper, but he never hurt us, not before…”
Leslie blew out a breath. Their family had tried so hard to keep the details under wraps, but had that been the best plan? Had it allowed for more people to experience what Leslie’s family had?
“I’m sorry for what your family went through, Leslie. I know it forced you into more of a parenting role with your brothers and it was tough on them and your mom. ButLesliePayton is notRickPayton. I know who you are. And I thought,” he said, messing with his hair, “I thought you knew me.”
Leslie wanted to close the physical distance between them, but it was as if there was an invisible barrier holding him back, or his feet wouldn’t work, so despite everything in him wanting to fix this, he couldn’t move.
“Idoknow you, Joe. All I can say is I was afraid.”
“Afraid I’d leave. I guess that means the Joeyouknow is not to be trusted. You can’t trust me to know the truth about your health, you can’t trust me to take care of you when you’re sick, and you can’t trust me to still work on my career and also be with you, even when you said you would support me always.” He set his hands on his hips and his chest deflated. “You know me, but you don’t trust me.”
“I trust you in more ways than I’ve ever trusted a living soul,” Leslie said. “I’ve told you things, let you see me at my weakest…I gave my heart to you!”
“But when you needed me most, when it mattered the most, youshut me out. You made me think I was wrong for wanting to keep working when really you didn’t trust me to come back. Well that just fucking hurts, Leslie. After everything we’ve been through—”
“I don’t want you to end up like me.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Joe asked, his voice going up in pitch.
“I hate to see you hurt. I know how much pain you’re in and I don’t want that for you. I know you love dancing, but is it worth it?”
“It’s all I know! It’s all I’m good for.”
“That’s not true—”
“Let me finish. I’d be nothing without this body,” Joe said, gesturing to himself. “And my fucking talent. And it’s going away. I have a very small window left before I can’t do it anymore, and you showed me that I had something else to give by bringing me here. I love coaching, I love teaching, and I love that I can do that here and be close to you, but I’m not a wealthy man. I have to work, and I have to keep my options open, limited though they may be, in case the college doesn’t hire me back. I can’t just settle down without a plan. I have to think of the future.”
Leslie felt this conversation slipping away from him like being down twenty-one points in the fourth quarter with the chances of scoring minimal.
“Is it more than that, though? I know you feel like coming here is settling.” Fear was a monster that did ugly things to Leslie. “I guess that means I’m not good enough to settle down with if you think this is settling.”
Joe flinched as if he’d been slapped.
“If that’s what you think, if that’s how little you think of me, then we have nothing else to say.” Joe cranked up the music, turning his back on Leslie and the conversation.
A single tear fell from Leslie’s cheek as he left the room, walking away from love for the second time.
