Page 82 of Harbor Lights

Her foot caught on a rock, and she lost her footing, scrambling on all fours for a moment on the loose stones, until she rolled around to sit. She rubbed her stinging hands together, dust mixing with blood in the grazes on each palm. At least she had a fully equipped first aid kit now in the cabin.

“Fuck.” She picked up a rock and threw it down the path, watching it gain momentum as it disappeared downhill. She could’ve just resisted the temptation with Con. It was never going to work out; she’d known that. What had she been thinking?

She pushed to her feet and rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand. She picked her way up the path, paying more attention to the underfoot conditions, but the recriminating voice in her head didn’t fade.

So, she answered it honestly.I wanted it to work. I wanted Con to like me enough to see past my background and my jail time. I wanted her to be more than a friend, working on a worthwhile project together. I fell in love with her.She sobbed again, but scrubbed at her eyes and continued the slog up the hill.

That was the truth of it. She’d fallen in love. Accidentally. Just by feeling a little less guarded in a community full of people who not only accepted her, but claimed her for one of their own. She’d foolishly hoped, just for a moment, she could be happy. But she wasn’t really one of them. She was an outsider, as she’d been all her life. Maybe she needed to accept that and keep moving. There was plenty of activism to take on in parts of Europe where people were fighting for basic LGBTQ+ rights.

She sighed when the cottage came into view. A long, hot shower was what she needed right now, then to thoroughly clean the cuts stinging her palms. The last thing she needed was a trip to the surgery if they got infected. She’d rather chop off her hands.

She made a quick circuit of the house to see any obvious effects of the previous day’s heavy rains. The state of the inside would give her a clearer picture if her repairs had been thorough.

She pushed open the porch door, but something was blocking it. She pushed harder and found her life jacket, along with her boots and jeans, left neatly on the doorstep. The jeans had been washed and folded, and the boots looked clean and polished.

A small envelope was tucked into the crack of the door, and she retrieved it as she went inside. She flicked on the kettle. Power was still on; that was a good sign. Then she sat at the little table to read the note.

Hey there, hope you had a good rest at the Waterside. I took your kayak back on the boat and found these lying on the beach in the rain. They’re dry and clean now. Thought you might need your work boots for the clubhouse.

Weather permitting, we’ll be there tomorrow, as soon as I get back from the boat. You’ve seen how good Mari is with a paintbrush and you and I can get those insulation panels fitted. Denny has committed to bringing his spade, so that’ll be helpful!

Sorry again for shouting at you the other day. You did a brave thing, but you’ve become an important part of our lives and the thought of losing you scared me shitless.

Looking forward to getting this youth club up and running.

See you in the morning.

Joey x

Shiv read the note over, then lowered her head to the table, crumpling the paper in her hand. How had she made this so complicated? They were doing something good here, more micro than she was used to, but she was making a difference in a whole new way, and she liked it.

Now she’d blown it with someone who was a big part of this community. Who would break a little piece of her heart every time she saw her. How could she carry on? But how could she leave?

She dragged herself to the bathroom, dropping clothing as she went, and got into the shower, turning the temperature as hot as she could bear. Perhaps the almost-scalding water could wash off her devastation from the morning. She leaned her head against the shower wall and let the water flow. When she could bear it no longer, she got out and dried off, pulling on her work clothes. Today was a day for finishing off all the final small jobs in the cabin. If she could complete the work, she could put all her energy into making the youth club happen.

Then what? She tightened her tool belt aggressively and stood straight. Whatever she decided next, it would be her move. She ignored the deep ache in her chest. She’d get through it. She always had.

TWENTY-SEVEN

“Fucking fuck.”Con abandoned the spilled coffee grinds and ran for the front door, swinging it open and breathing in the cool air, the bridge of her nose squeezed tight between her fingers. Her hot flashes were worse today than they had been for years. She knew the advice she’d give her menopausal patients: cut down on the coffee and the drink; identify the stressors in your life; get some exercise.

So much for that. The coffee was the only thing holding her together until it was a respectable time to crack open the bottle of cask-aged whiskey she’d bought on her journey home. The journey that had been so full of positivity and hope.

Well, at least it was simple to identify where her stress lay. Perhaps she should drag herself out on a walk. The fire burning throughout her body had subsided and she went back inside for another attempt at brewing coffee.

How had she so monumentally fucked things up in such a short space of time? And everything in this damned house now reminded her of Shiv, which wasn’t helping at all. From the front door that now closed effortlessly, to her clean and modern consulting room, and the new room Shiv had rescued from hoarded junk, to create a space for a new team member to reduce her load.

Her phone lay on the worktop, half covered by a pile of coffee. She cleaned up the mess, running her hand over the oak surface. When the coffee machine was grumbling away, she blew her phone clean and checked for messages. There was one from Joey, asking if she was okay after her swift, unannounced exit from the island. She couldn’t bear to reply. She couldn’t hide the truth from Joey, but she wasn’t ready to talk about it just yet.

She needed to talk to Shiv. She wanted to explain she was terrified of getting hurt again. Of the whole community seeing her being rejected once more. Nothing Shiv had done was to blame for that. She’d been kind and caring, and the previous night had revealed her depth of feeling. Hadn’t Shiv said she loved her?

But Con truly didn’t know if she could admit all of her fears, or even move on from the memories of her heartbreak.

She wanted to call and hear Shiv’s voice. But what if she didn’t pick up? It would be a sure confirmation she was sick of Con’s weakness.

Con took a deep breath and jabbed at the screen.

I’m so sorry about this morning. It isn’t what you thought. I messed up. Please let me see you and try to explain x

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