Page 76 of Derailed
“Try me.” Crossing my arms, I settle back against the door andwait.
“Sean, it’s not something I like toremember.”
“Give me the benefit of the doubt. Try me. Because there is nothing—nothing—you can do or have done that will change how I think ofyou.”
“I did things. Things I’m not proud of tosurvive.”
I shrug, getting the gist of where she’s going with this. “You’re strong. You did what you hadto.”
“You make it sound glamorous. It’s not. I sold my body to men. I did whatever theywanted.”
As much as it shocks me because I can’t imagine my Jess in such a role, it doesn’t surprise me. She’s a fighter. She did what she needed to get by. “Did you have anotherchoice?”
“What do youmean?”
“Did you have another job that could make endsmeet?”
She meets my stare and her lips press into a hard line. “I don’t even have a birth certificate. I wasn’t getting a job. Not a legalone.”
“Why don’t you have a birthcertificate?”
“I ran away when I was sixteen.” Her jaw works back and forth as if it physically hurts to spit out her next words. “I had to. The environment I was in . . . it wasn’t living. I was made to do things, only I didn’t get paid for them. Then there was an accident. It was myout.
“I couldn’t do another foster home. Maybe I should have stayed, but I couldn’t. It was killing me. At least on the street I made money for selling my soul.” Her shoulders droop and her gaze lands at myfeet.
I reach out, take her hand, and squeeze. “I’m so sorry you went throughthat.”
“Don’t be. It was my choice. It’s not something I’m proud of, but Coy . . . Coy found me. It was a night when things were more than horrible and I was planning to end it all. I couldn’t do it anymore. I was on my way up five flights of stairs, and Coy was on his way down. He stopped me, took me to dinner, and things were never the same after that.” There’s a fondness in her voice when she speaks his name that I can’tstand.
I hate that she feels tied to him. That she owes him, but this finally explains her willingness to take whatever shit he feedsher.
“Coy took me in when I was homeless. I didn’t have a job. I didn’t have money. I didn’t have clothes beyond those on my back, and he took care ofme.”
It all clicks. “So now you take care ofhim.”
She breathes out a heavy breath and meets my gaze. “You understand,then.”
No. Not at all, but that’s not what she needs to hear. I don’t understand how something he did then overrides all the shit he does now. It’s not fair for someone so cruel to not have any clue of the gem he holds in his arms. Or maybe he does only he’s too damn selfish to let her shine for others. For herself. And she’s so damn clueless to the power she holds. In her kindness, her gentleness, in her capacity to love and give freely withoutexpectation.
“And now, with him, is that a way tolive?”
She shakes her head. “Don’t.”
“I can’t not. Jess, you deserve better. Better, I can giveyou.”
“It’s not so simple.” Her eyes search my face for an answer but I don’t know the question. All I know is I can’t sit around here anymore. Waiting. Hoping. Coveting something that isn’tmine.
“I’m leaving,” Iblurt.
“What?” Her eyeswiden.
“For a few days. I need to clear myhead.”
“Because of me.” She chews on her bottomlip.
It makes me wish I could touch her, hold her, and kiss her swollen lip. But I can’t. “Because of how much I feel foryou.”
“I see.” Her eyes always hold so much depth, and now, especially now, I wish theydidn’t.
