Page 78 of Derailed
“Sorry. And no, I don’t love the way he treats his girl, but that’s not my biggest problem right now. We need a drummer. We can’t do any better thanCoy.”
“So, we just look the other way? Excuse his behavior?” I clench my jaw and let my frustration loose with a growl. I’d rather scream instead. “You’re suggesting we all pretend we don’t know, like we did withIz?”
He rears back. “Isn’t the same thing and you know it. Drug addiction rates a bit higher than jerk boyfriend, don’t youthink?”
Do I think that?I don’t know. I can’t rate one transgression against another. Is what I did—sleeping with Jess when Coy wasn’t out of the picture—as immoral as looking away while one of my bandmates gets high? Or while one beats his girlfriend with his fists and tears her down with cruel words? Being with Jess felt one hundred percent right, and I know that’s wrong. Even still after everything, I wouldn’t take itback.
“This is why I’m going away for a few days.” That, and Jess doesn’t want me. She wants him, the bastard who treats her like shit. I don’t know how to stand by and watchit.
“Not your girl. Not yourproblem.”
“I care abouther.”
“I know.” He shuts his eyes and shakes his head before meeting my steady gaze. “It’s fucking obvious as the sun, and it’s gonna torch our entire band if you’re notcareful.”
But with Jess, I don’t want to be careful. I want to fucking burn. I’ll do whatever so her flames lick my skin. The pain of that would be better than my worst fear . . . of not knowing her at all. “I better head out. My ride is almosthere.”
He shoves his hands into his back pockets. “Tell your parents I saidhi.”
“I will.” I walk past him to thedoor.
“AndSean?”
I stop and look over my shoulder. “Yeah?”
“Don’t make any decisions we’ll all regret. Come back, okay? I’ll deal withBedo.”
I meet his concerned stare and nod because I have no intention of quitting the band, or not coming back. That’s not why I’m leaving. What worries me most is that I will come back, and I will watch what’s left of Jess’s radiance get snuffed out by each cruel word and manipulative move. I’ll stay and I’ll watch and I’ll do nothing about it. It won’t only eat her up, but it’ll ruin me as well. And I’ll take it all, gladly, to be near her. For the slim fucking chance he screws up so badly, or she comes to her senses and maybe, just maybe, she’ll choose me next. Even I realize how fucked up thatis.
