Page 99 of Derailed
27
Jess
I’ve never spent somuch time in the company of police officers as I have in the past twenty-four hours. Ironic, since up until this point I’ve avoided anyone with a badge. I stare at the incident form’s blank spaces and fill them in to recount what’s transpired, but this time Sean’s with me and it makes itbetter.
He doesn’t shed any tears. He’s all business and take-charge, speaking with the professionals as Iz’s body is taken away, then makes the necessary phone calls to let everyone know. The cops find an empty syringe in Iz’s pocket. It’s used, and given his history, they suspect death by overdose. It’s a sad, anticlimactic end to his life, and I can’t help but feel sorry for the man even though we only metonce.
Hours later, long after the sun sets, we finally hit the road. Heaviness settles into the space of his car. I sneak glances at Sean, worried not only about his state of mind, but also his alertness. It’s been a day, for both ofus.
“Hey?” he says, catching mestaring.
“Sean, are youokay?”
“I don’t know.” His cheeks puff with a drawn exhalation and he scrubs his palm over his jaw. “I guess I always held out hope that he would come back to the band. But now . . . now I guess I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact he’s reallygone.”
“I’m sorry,” Iwhisper.
His hand rests on the console and I reach out to lay mine over his. He follows the movement and lifts his chin to meet my eyes briefly before centering back on the road. “Thank you for coming with. I’m sorry if . . . No one should have to seethat.”
“I didn’t . . .” I catch myself because he’s right. No one should witness a body being taken away in a bag. It’s not the worst thing I’ve seen, but that’s not grounds for normal measurement. “You dealt with most of it. I’m just glad I could be there for you. That you didn’t have to do thisalone.”
“Me too, Jess.” He turns his hand over so it’s palm up and threads our fingers together to give a gentle squeeze. “Hey, you want to stop and get some food? I’mstarving.”
My stomach grumbles at the mere mention and we both laugh. “That would be a yes forme.”
“Good. Now, you haven’t played a single boy band since we got in the car. I have to assume you’re distracted. That, or you’ve lost your disc jockeyskills.”
“That’s a travesty I can remedy.” I regret the disconnection the minute I move my hand from his hold. I try not to think about why as I take his phone from where it sets on the console and pull up one of my favorites, the tune more fitting than I intend. NSYNC blares through the speakers, singing a ballad about promises and truths. Though it’s silly, I wish this were written for me and Sean. That there could be anus.
The fact he never makes fun, joining in to sing the chorus with me, gives me hope that maybe he does. I don’t know how we’d even get there—my life a total mess and him on the road—but if there’s a chance, I think what we’d have would be every bit worth thefight.
We hit a drive-thru for burgers and fries, and I keep the jams rocking the rest of the ride. It’s just past two in the morning when we finally exit the freeway. The closer we get to the house, the more uncertain my future becomes. I need to find a place to live. I can’t expect to stay here with Coy out of the band. I need to figure out how I’ll survive. My thoughts grow heavy, but as Sean slides his car into the empty spot in the garage I decide I’ll tackle my worriestomorrow.
He leads the way inside and I follow him up the stairs. The house is dark but for the moonlight that pours through the high windows. We come to the crossroads, his door and Coy’s, and he stops to meet mystare.
“This is me.” I poke my thumb over myshoulder.
“You don’t have to.” He shoves his hands into his back pockets and rocks back onto his heels. “I mean, if you don’t want to be alonetonight. . .”
I don’t. Not really, but I can’t use Sean to escape my past, as nice as it sounds. “I’m not sure that’s a goodidea.”
His brow rises and he shakes his head. “Oh, I didn’t mean . . .” He rubs a hand over his face. “I mean, it’s not that I don’t think about it.Fuck.” He stops and clears his throat. “What I’m trying to say is, we could justsleep.”
I worry my lower lip between my teeth as I battle the temptation. After today, I really don’t want to be alone. “You make it hard to sayno.”
“Jess?” He waits until I meet his gaze. “You can always say no to me. It won’t chase me away.”He respects me.That seals thedeal.
“Yeah.”
“Yeah?” He quirks his head and a grin grows, stretching hislips.
I nod and glance over my shoulder. “Yes, I’ll just get ready for bedfirst.”
“Okay, I’ll meet you in my bed. Er, that came out wrong.” The low timbre of his chuckle scatters goosebumps on myskin.
I shrug and force out a laugh. “Hey, as long as your offer’s Grated.”
“I promise.” He crosses his heart and places his hand on the door knob. “We can even do the over under if you’reworried.”
