Page 26 of The Art of Loving Ellie
I begin to get lost in the idea that this area would make a great addition to the landscape exhibit at Lillian Artem when abruptly, Aunt Jane interrupts my thoughts. “So, are we going to talk about this boy you’ve been seeing?”
Leaning down, she rubs Eddie’s neck affectionately as she waits for my response. She did respectfully give me five days to come clean, so I’m not terribly annoyed by her inquiry.
“There’s not much to tell—”
“Oh, bull!” Her voice carries loudly, making me jump, but her faithful friends are completely unfazed.
“What?” Feigning innocence, I pick at a piece of Verna’s mane and my aunt raises an eyebrow at me. What am I supposed to tell her? That I made out with this guy I hardly know in a broom closet?
Her face is painted with shock as she laughs, causing lines to crinkle around her eyes and dimples to mark her cheeks. “You did what!”
Apparently, that’s exactly what I’m going to tell her. I shake my head at her, laughing at her reaction. “Honestly, I don’t have any idea what has come over me lately.” Verna snorts in agreement. “He makes me feel… wild and out of control. A part of me enjoys it, but the other part of me is completely terrified of it. I just don’t do the whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing,” I say with a wave of my hand, trying to dismiss the conversation.
Looking at me puzzled, she asks, “And why-ever not?”
I continue to run my hand through Verna’s mane distractedly removing some of her tangles. Her question is easy enough, but to name one of the biggest reasons—it’s because I lack conviction. “Sometimes, I’m almost certain that I’m completely unlovable. There’s no way I could live up to someone else’s standards, and honestly, I would probably kill myself trying to.” I grow quiet after my confession, folding in on myself due to my oversharing.
We’re silent for the rest of our ride as we make our way to the creek, and I wipe away a line of sweat over my brow, thankful I didn’t layer up too much. When we reach the clearing where the creek runs freely, I wonder what it would look like full and green in the springtime, even though I find the beauty in it now all the same. Big smooth stones sit nestled in the bottom of the creek bed, and the water is clear as it bubbles quickly past us.
We guide the horses close enough for them to bend their heads down for a drink, and my aunt clears her throat, breaking our silence. “I’m just going to say my peace, and you can do with it what you will, okay?”
I nod, and she sighs deeply, looking off somewhere in the distance as she speaks. “I fell in love once when I was about twenty-seven years old. His name was William, and he was a young rancher that I happened to run into at the rodeo. That man was the definition of tall, dark, and handsome, and let me tell you—he knew how to rock my world.” I stick my tongue out, pretending to be offended, and she giggles lightly.
“William took the world head-on, damn anyone who got in his way—and everywhere he went, people flocked to him like bees to sweet, rich honey. I always loved that about him.” Her blue eyes are distant and clouded with painful emotions.
“I’m not sure if it was the alcohol, or if he was just a little bit crazy—but one night when we were out dancing with our friends, he decided to propose to me,” she gives me a pointed look, “in front of everyone.”
I gasp, and though I know Aunt Jane has never been married I can’t help but ask, “What did you say?”
She gives me a sad smile. “I told him no. He looked as though I’d stabbed him through the heart and I may as well have in that moment, but I couldn’t bring myself to say yes. I just couldn’t bear to be tied down that way.” She shakes her head back and forth. “I wasn’t going to be another woman depending on a man for anything. True love be damned.” I look at her with surprise and feel my heart break just a little for William.
“After that, I never spoke to him again.” Eddie whinnies, whipping his tail about wildly as if he can feel his owner’s pain.
Tilting my head slightly, my brows furrow. “I'm sorry, Aunt Jane, but I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me?”
“I’m trying to tell you that William was the one who got away.” Her words are heavy and clipped, and I’m witnessing a rare, vulnerable side of her that I have never seen before. I always thought she was a loner, but how foolish of me to think a woman like her had never been in love before.
“He would wake me up in the morning with chocolate chip pancakes,” she laughs fondly. “We would stay up for hours at night, talking about our ambitions, and how we both felt so bad for our parents, and the familial responsibilities they were tied to for life.
“He never once forced me to label us, but gave me exclusivity without me asking, and he always made sure to kiss me goodnight.” She looks so sad, and I can hear the fissures in my heart cracking open over the loss of their youthful love.
“We were so young, and at the time, I thought to myself—if I can pave my path in this world alone, no man will be able to tell me what to do with my money or my life. And eventually, it became a game for me to see how much I could accomplish all on my own. No one in our family thought I could make it, and I didn’t want to just prove them wrong. I wanted to shove my success in the faces of the ones who thought I couldn’t.” Passion drips from every word as she speaks, and I’m utterly compelled by her.
“I have never loved another man like William until I met Richard. William loved the young and reckless Jane, but Richard loves the woman who has been through it all." She looks solemn as she turns to me. “If I could give you any advice with this young man, Ellie, it would be to grab this opportunity and hold onto it for dear life. Don’t let it go just because it’s scary, or because you can’t see the outcome. Lust is so freely given, but love has to be earned. Love creates a fire from embers that have been stoked and fed repeatedly so that there’s no possibility of it ever extinguishing.”
Her words of love are akin to lyrics, and her fierce temperament fuels my every desire. I know she’s right—I need to give Tyler and me a real chance, but I’m at war with my past and my heart.
My mother wanted so little to do with me that she would have rather terminated the very life I’m currently living, than to try and love me even a small amount. How could I not feel disheartened thinking that Tyler, or anyone else in my life for that matter, may end up feeling the same way?
Making a clicking noise with her mouth, Aunt Jane ends our conversation by directing Eddie away from the creek bed and in the direction of home. Verna obediently follows after them, and I’m left numb after our exchange.
I frantically want to burst out of my shell, screaming and yelling that I'm someone worthy of love and care. While in that same breath, I want to hide under the comfort of self-loathing for days on end. There is so rarely an in-between, and though I know that I'm in control of my thoughts and emotions, it’s never really quite that simple, is it?
There’s struggling, and there’s self-victimizing, and I’m constantly getting caught between the two. I’m holding out hope that eventually I’ll have the strength to fight off these overwhelming thoughts and feelings, but perhaps Aunt Jane has a point—maybe I don’t have to fight my demons all on my own.
After brushing the horses down in the stable, and giving them some feed, we head inside to relax. I climb the stairs one at a time until I reach my room, desperately wanting some alone time with my thoughts, and I end up falling asleep for a couple of hours.
The repetitive pinging sound of my phone going off brings me out of possibly the best nap I’ve ever had. Frustrated, I grab the noisy device off the nightstand and squint my eyes at the bright screen.
