Page 42 of The Art of Loving Ellie
“I needed you to scoop me up and hold me; to protect me like a good father is supposed to.” My words are angry and unable to control them any longer, tears cascade down my cheeks wetting my neck.
There’s a succession of beeps again, and I lose my patience with his silence. “Where are you?” I wince at how annoyed I sound.
Finally, he answers. “I’m at UT Health, here in San Antonio,” he coughs, waiting for me to say something.
I feel confused… but I mostly feel dread coursing through my veins, making me nauseous from its intrusive presence in my body. “Wait, what?” The name of the hospital he’s provided me with is a cancer center.
The silence between us is so deafening I almost crack my phone from frustration. “I’m dying, Ellie.”
Every single ounce of air leaves my lungs in one swift breath, and I have to grip the side of the mattress to stop from tumbling to the floor in shock.
“Stage four colon cancer,” he supplies the answer to the only question I can conjure up in my head. The sound of his sardonic laugh makes me shake my head back in forth in disbelief. “It’s metastasized to my lungs and there’s a spot on my brain now. They aren’t giving me too much longer.”
I hold my hand over my mouth, eyes wide from the shock. I cringe to think that I was berating him this entire time, and he was sitting in a hospital bed patiently waiting for me to finish my rant—dying.
“I—I don’t, I’m so sorry for what I said—” Air comes in and out of my lungs quickly, and the tiny black dots around my vision grow bigger and bigger until I feel as if I’m going to pass out.
“No, Ellie, please don’t apologize. Everything you said is true. I haven’t been the father I wanted to be to you, and it’s not okay that I’ve let you struggle on your own all this time,” he sighs. “I got the diagnosis after you left home for college, and the doctor immediately started me on medication and chemo. At the time it was stage three and we were hoping it wouldn’t progress—and there for a while, it didn’t.
“About two weeks before your graduation, I got a call that he wanted to biopsy a new nodule that lit up on one of my scans. The culture came back as stage four and the cancer has spread rapidly since. It is resistant to chemotherapy.” He pauses to take a breath. “By the time I made a decision about coming to the ceremony, I figured you were already mad enough at me for what I’ve put you through, and I thought maybe the best way to say goodbye… was to not say goodbye at all.” He coughs and wheezes a little, and I feel the piece of my heart I had prepared to give him shatter inside of my chest.
“I’m so sorry, Ellie. I’m sorry that it’s taken me so long to realize how much I’ve messed up, and the things that I allowed to happen in our home. You’re right. I should have been the leader, and I should have left your mother long before she left us—but my greatest regret is that it’s taken cancer for me to realize how much I’ve missed you, and how much I’ve missed out not being in your life.”
My weeping eyes have completely dried, and my entire body is numb.This cannot be real. I won’t believe it.
“Unfortunately, it is,” he responds to a statement I didn’t even realize I’d spoken out loud.
“Why are you just now telling me this? Why didn’t you tell me years ago, or weeks ago? I could have come to you; I could have come and taken care of you.” Anger sparks in my gut and I clench my fists, trying not to hit something. I’m just soangry.
“Because I’ve burdened you with too much already, and when Jane told me you’d moved to New York City, I couldn’t bear to drag you back here and away from your dreams.”
He’s right, leaving New York right now would make all of my artistic endeavors pointless. Still, I feel the need to do something, even if I just come see him for a few days.
“I want to come see you.” I stand now, adrenaline giving me the ability to move.
“I’m being released from here tomorrow. Jane is coming to get me, and I’ll be living with her for now. The doctor told me the only thing they can do for me is keep me comfortable.”
The finality of those words hit me so hard that I clench my eyes closed, cramming my fist into my right eye to prevent myself from crying again. “Okay, I’ll talk to her and make arrangements for me to fly down to see you.”
“Okay, Ellie girl.” My whole body goes lax as my knees hit my carpeted floor. I can’t conjure a single drop of anger at the pet name he hasn’t called me in years.
When we hang up, I lock my phone and stare at my reflection in the screen completely at a loss. All these years, I’ve hated Robert—myfather, who has been suffering in silence while I chase dreams that I’m incapable of fulfilling. The whole situation feels like one big joke, and I’m the punch line. I’ve never wanted a stiff drink more in my life than I do right this moment.
Not even bothering to change out of my robe, I crawl my way up to the top of my bed and climb under the covers. I turn off the lamp on my side table and stare openly into the black void that hides my bedroom knowing good and well that sleep won’t find me tonight.
Chapter Fourteen
My eyes are glued shut from dried tears and I panic, sitting straight up in bed, attempting to find the source of a loud buzzing noise. Rubbing the grit out of my eyelashes, I frantically grab my phone off my nightstand to find that I have five missed calls from Alexandre.
Shit. Oh my God, shit.I look at the time and see I only have thirty minutes until we are supposed to meet with Mr. Tebbetts. I jump out of bed and throw some warm clothes on, hurriedly returning Alex’s call. I don’t spare any time looking myself over in the mirror because I know all I’ll see is a hot damn mess.
“You’d better have a good explanation for this. I was two seconds away from calling the damn police!” I flinch at the fury of his words assaulting my ears through the speaker as I grab my bag and pray what I need is still in it from yesterday.
“I’m so sorry, I will meet you there soon.” Locking my door, I rush toward the elevator. “I’m leaving my apartment right now.”
His tone softens down to a pleading whisper, “Ellie, what the hell is going on? This meeting is seriously important for us.” I’m riddled with guilt at the mention of ‘us’, as if he feels like I’m truly his partner in all of this, and God how I wish I could be what he needs right now.
“I spoke with my father yesterday.” There’s no way he’s going to understand if I tell him the truth, but it’s too late to come up with an excuse now, so I do my best to skirt around it. “I wish I had more time to explain it to you. I’m on my way to the University now; start the meeting without me, and I’ll catch up.”
