Page 55 of Dealing Dirty
“Don’t play innocent. You’ve barely been back more than twice a year since you moved to Austin.”
He shakes his head, and I get the feeling I’m about to be dismissed. “It doesn’t matter. I’m here now.”
Oh, it certainly does matter, but I’m not in the mood to argue any longer. I push my plate away and cross my arms. How pathetically predictable. When Adrián and I get together, we’re almost never able to agree, and it’s exhausting. I needed the comfort and care only my big brother could give, but nothing about this conversation soothes me.
He stabs at his food angrily.
“How are things? In Austin, that is.” The strain in my voice makes me heartsick.
“They’re alright. Same house, same job, not much else going on.”
Wow. Sounds exciting.
“Got a girlfriend yet?” I ask, nudging his foot under the table.
This earns me a smirk. “Nah, I don’t like women who tend to hang around. I’m not trying to tie myself down and be the breadwinner for someone else.”
Eyes wide, I pause.
Dios Mio. Is that what I sound like?
The dull ache of desire tugs my stomach at the mere thought of Derrick’s flirty smile and delicate touch. It’s been three days since he claimed my body, and with it, my mind and all its petty thoughts.
Our gazes constantly seek each other out across the bar, and our bodies brush any chance we get, even in the slightest way. Like when I hand him a tray full of empty beer mugs and he strokes the length of my forearm before taking it from me. Such simple, exciting things. Things I realize that I’ve come to look forward to with each new day.
I doubt my brother has ever even made love to a woman. Not that I’m an expert in the love-making department, but at least the intimacies between Derrick and me are explosive. He makes me feel alive and beautiful, but this… I raise my shaking hands to rest on the table and glare at Adrián’s practically empty plate thatIordered for him.
This makes me feel sick.
Who is he to expect me to serve him? He’s been nagging me since the moment he got to town and then came the typical ordering me around. He has the audacity to guilt me into dinner with our parents, all while he pretends he didn’t have a hand in breaking up our family. The unfairness of it washes over me, giving me new sight for the first time in a long, long time.
I feel as though I’m staring at a stranger. The only thing we have in common is that I wouldn’t dream of letting someone I was sleeping with get close enough to become a permanent part of my life.
My brother lives by himself, in a tiny house that’s outrageously expensive, living his pitiful carefree, single life—while I stayed at our run-down shack of a house, working my ass off at a diner to afford a place of my own, andstillfound a way to help our parents pay the bills.
Will I end up bitter and alone like Adrián?
Papácame home from the airport the day he dropped Isabel off and ran five miles for the first time in twenty years.Mamá’ssobs while Adrián packed his bags and left still ring in my ears.
My parents clung to me tighter every time one of them left, and the web I weaved to protect myself stretched and pulled and squeezed until it became an impenetrable fortress.
Having a committed relationship means answering to someone when I want to go out with my friends, or change jobs, or even what I buy at the grocery store.
I glance around the small coffee shop at the couples tenderly holding hands and chatting excitedly. Their smiles make my chest ache for all my love lost and all the chances I never gave.
Maybe this bleeding heart of mine has given all it’s got. There are only so many pieces I can break off and give someone, trusting them not to crush it. And then there’s the voice in my head that’s constantly screaming at me to protect myself. She begs me to lock my love away because she knows that if I let one more person that close to me and they let me down, I won’t survive it.
“We can’t live in the past, Juliana,” he says, noting the shift in my thoughts.
Time has treated him to wrinkles around the edges of his tired eyes, and deep creases have formed along his forehead.
Jackie’s conversation with me drapes across my shoulders like a wet blanket. Is time even a luxury I have anymore? When shit starts rolling downhill with Bruce, how deeply will I regret my cowardice?
I’ve partied, screwed, and drank my way through my late teens and twenties. There’s an undeniable piece of my soul yearning for what Cassidy and Jack have. They’re going to bring a baby into this world and create a beautiful, loving family—and here I am, panicking over what type of food my partner might ask me to buy at the grocery store.
I could be with a man exclusively and keep my wings, right?
My body buzzes with the possibility.
