Page 5 of The Best Man
“Uh, that ended weeks ago. She found a revealing pic of her beloved on Tinder.”
“Ummm…”
“Right. What the hell was she doing on Tinder? Still, I saw the profile pic. He was packing heat. Anyway, I guess nothing ruins a festive nuptial mood faster than catching your man trolling for pussy on a dating app.”
“I guess so. Wow.” Elaine shakes her head.
“Yea, Chesapeake Shores is not a drama-free zone.”
“Clearly. So that’s the scoop from the office. What’s up with you? You’ve been strangely quiet about the menfolk lately. Tell me you’re not giving up men for Lent or something.”
“Good Lord, no!” I shudder at the very idea. “Though, really, with the way things have been going lately, this dry spell might just last a while.”
“Who are you and what have you done with my best friend?”
“I think I’m cursed.”
Elaine nearly chokes on her ginger ale, and I feel like a jerk for a minute. The girl can hardly keep anything down, and here I am making her choke on her drink in the middle of lunch.
But I’m not joking.
“No, seriously. I think I’ve been cursed by the Magic Penis of Christmas.”
It’s a testament to how well she knows me that she doesn’t question this statement at all.
“I’m going to need a little more context, Molls.”
“Sure.” I take a sip of my iced tea and settle in to explain. “So, remember how I told you about that guy I met at Mahady’s around Christmas?”
“Yea...what did you call him? Tall, dark, and?”
“Talk, dark, and delicious. And he was. God. He had a solid four inches on me, and I was wearing heels. And he had these gorgeous broad shoulders. He was the shit that pornos are made of. I’m telling you, Elaine, the man is fucking gifted. We had a great night—some of the best sex I’ve ever had. I was looking quite forward to round five. We hadn’t even done it in the shower. So, imagine my surprise when I woke up to a note.”
Elaine nods sympathetically, as any best friend would.
“And don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want his number or anything. But a good morning orgasm would have been nice.”
“The polite thing to do, really.”
“Exactly. And I think he cursed me. I haven’t felt so much as a zing since late December. Before that, really. So, I think it’s fair to say that I’ve been cursed by a man with a magic penis.”
“Damn. That stinks.”
“You’re telling me. I just need to get back out there. Get my mojo back. But I have been attracted to literally zero men in way too long. I don’t know what to do at this point.”
“What can you do?”
“Well, Stella has this friend who reads Tarot.”
“Of course she does.” Elaine rolls her eyes and lets out a laugh.
“Listen, my fake aunt is the shit.”
“You’re not wrong, but I thought she was your real aunt?”
“Not technically. Her niece Kathleen was engaged to my dad a while back, but they never actually got married. Kathleen was a pain in the ass, but, as you know, Stella is quite lovely. So I kept her.”
“A very wise decision.”
