Page 79 of The Boy I Loved
How had things gotten so fucked up? Because I didn’t have the balls to stay away from her for good? I did everything I could to convince her there was no future for us, and I managed to fuck that up even. If I could take it all back—if I could redo it—I’d shatter the illusion of the young boy she befriended and make her realize I wasn’t him anymore. Sure, she knew that now, but it was too late for that.
“I’m going to check on Tristan,” Mason decided at last, pulling away from the bars. His gaze met mine briefly before skating over my features.
Like he needed to be checked on. He wasn’t some temperamental child. He was more lethal than Mason was—barely. Masondidn’t care much about all the torture bullshit. He just wanted to get off most of the time. Tristan was more of a sadist. He enjoyed inflicting pain on those he deemed beneath him. That reminder had my eyes roaming over Hazel’s body again, though I couldn’t see much of her due to how high she had the blanket tugged beneath her chin.
I waited for Mason to leave before saying anything else, my eyes never leaving hers. When the door clicked shut, I glanced in that general direction to make sure he’d actually left.
“You said you didn’t have a choice,” Hazel said softly.
My fingers tightened around the bars. I shouldn’t have said any of that, not in a room full of captives. They’d snitch if it bought them extra perks. Then again, it didn’t really matter who knew. None of them were getting out of here.
I pulled open the cell door Tristan had forgotten to lock behind him and slipped inside. Hazel watched me warily, pressing herself against the wall behind her as if I were a new threat. I didn’t like the feeling it stirred in my stomach. She never had to be scared of me … right? I’d never hurt her. Not like them. I locked the door behind me, taking slow, cautious steps toward her.
When I reached her mattress, I lowered myself on the edge, not missing the way she tried to make herself smaller.
“I didn’t have a choice,” I repeated lowly. “When I was ordered to go to the correctional camp, Clay interfered. He has connections with the law. He … brought me here.”
“And then?” she pressed, not missing a beat.
I blew out a breath. “He kept me on the top floor at first. I had no idea what was going on here. He forbade me from knowing until he thought I was ready. After a short time, he brought me down here. He made me swear my loyalty to him, and I did.”
Hazel’s eyebrows drew together in confusion as she attempted to process it. “He made you swear your loyalty to him before orafter he brought you down here?” she demanded, her voice cracking at the end.
“Before. Once we made it to the basement, he made me do things to one of the girls. I tried to back out of it. But he threatened Alice. To this day, that’s what he holds over my head.”
I decided to spare her of all the gory details, opting to explain the gist of it so that she’d hopefully understand. This wasn’t a life I willingly chose for myself. It didn’t make me any better than the other guys. I’d still done some fucked up shit, but I liked to think it did.
I licked my lips nervously, the silence stretching between us. I might not have been able to save her, but I could at least explain. That didn’t mean she wouldn’t still hate me, but at least it was off my chest now.
“I didn’t know they would come for you,” I murmured when she didn’t reply. “I did everything I could think of to keep you off their radar. Until Rodney’s party…” I trailed off, shaking my head. “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry…” she murmured, making me wince. I knew an apology didn’t mean shit when it came to the damage caused. “I don’t know how to feel.”
That was fair. I repositioned my body on the bed, turning to face her. She was still as beautiful as ever, even in this place. Against my better judgment, I reached for her, not at all surprised when she flinched away, but it didn’t deter me. My thumb brushed over the sharp edge of her jaw and then drifted to her lower, swollen lip.
“Do you still love me?” I whispered, regretting it as soon as the words left me. It was a rare sign of vulnerability I didn’t show often, but I had to know.
Hazel sucked in a stuttering breath, her dark lashes fluttering momentarily before she opened her eyes wider and met my gaze again. I could see the storm of emotion swirling through her irises, and for a long moment, I didn’t think she’d answer. There was somuch history between us, so much damage. I wouldn’t be surprised if she told me to burn in Hell right now. Anticipation clawed through my chest as I awaited her answer with bated breath.
After a few long moments, her shoulders relaxed, some of the tension fading from her posture. “Always,” she replied softly.
The relief I felt in that moment was unmatched. It was the kind that flooded your system, pushing everything else out of the way and relaxed your organs. She’d seen me commit vile acts. She saw what I was capable of, even if it wasn’t everything, andstillcared for me. Maybe it was because we’d spent most of our childhood together.
Emotion punched through my chest and my shoulders rolled forward with her admission. If she hadn’t just been assaulted, I’d fuck her right now, consequences be damned.
I reached for her, and she let me. I let the blanket fall around her waist, pulling her against my chest and into my lap. Her smell had begun to fade, but she was still perfect in every single way.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated.
She turned her head, her green eyes softening a fraction. “It’s not your fault. Not completely.” The flicker of hesitation on her face told me she wanted to blame me but realized she couldn’t. Her heart wouldn’t let her.
I brushed my lips over her chest, trailing them up to the fresh bruises circling her neck. “He didn’t hurt you, did he?” I whispered against her skin. I was mad at myself for not coming to check on her sooner, but I’d been at war with myself over it, unsure whether I should at all.
“No.” Her fingers threaded through my hair, her eyes fluttering closed as she relaxed against me. He might not have hurt her physically, but I could see the mental toll it had taken. It was in her eyes, even in her facial expression when she glanced away and furrowed her brows like she was reliving it all over again or trying to process it still.
Tilting my chin, I brushed my lips against hers in a gentle caress. She leaned into it, flattening her palms against my chest. The heat from her body seeped through my clothing, my grip tightening around her bare waist as I pulled her tighter against me.
“I love you,” I whispered, slightly breathless.
