Page 14 of Drag You Down
I let out a small, strangled sound, and my tears finally fall.
Because it isn’t Father Zachariah’s face I see behind my eyelids. It’s still the Devil, that being who stole an angel’s name and wears it like a bad disguise.
It’s his kiss I feel against my lips, filling my mouth with copper once more.
It’s his hand I imagine brushing across my burning flesh, his tongue lapping up my blood and telling me that I have earned this pain, that I deserve it, but that I am forgiven.
“Your penance is done, my child,” Father Zachariah says, still stern. “You may return to your room.”
No, I want to say.The Devil is still in my thoughts! He hasn’t been driven out!
But I nod, and I turn to face the rest of the flock, hunching forward to hide the embarrassing truth of my arousal.
Eve’s bright blue eyes are on me, and I see the pity there, and the gratefulness.
She never argues to save me. She says I shouldn’t sacrifice myself for the others, yet she won’t prevent it, either.
It would be worse for her if she did. The women are held to a higher standard, and as his future wife, Eve is held even higher than that. She might not be lashed, but there are other punishments.
Worse punishments.
I stumble in her direction, and she stands to help me. She grips my arm, and her body helps shield my shame from the others.
“Levi won’t be fit to collect our groceries tomorrow. Jacob, you’ll go,” Father Zachariah says. “Eve, tend to your brother.”
“Yes, Father,” she says, her voice carefully demure.
When we’re in private, she isn’t nearly as subdued, but in front of Father Zachariah, she has no choice but to be docile and meek.
She takes my arm and helps me out of the room. I have to lean heavily on her, but she’s stronger than she looks.
Or maybe it’s that she’s had a lot of practice doing this.
Carefully, we make our way out of the apartment as the others filter around us. They don’t stop to express empathy.
I don’t deserve it.
Eve helps me to our apartment, which is only a few doors down the hall, and I’m grateful when I get to my bedroom. I collapse onto my stomach, and Eve hovers right behind me.
“Why do you keep doing that?” she asks.
“Do what?” I try to lift my head, and it makes my back burn in a way that heats parts of me that should remain unspoken.
“I know you didn’t pull the fire alarm,” Eve says. “Why did you cover for someone else?”
I lower my head again, sighing against the clean pillow. “Because I drew the Devil here. I saw him on the street outside. He looked straight into my soul, Eve. It wasn’t fair for Mary to take penance for something that had nothing to do with her.”
Several seconds pass without Eve speaking. I’m about to lift my head again, half-convinced she won’t be there anymore, when she replies, “Why do you thinkyoudrew him here? None of us are free of sin, Levi.”
I part my lips and lick them, remembering the taste of the kiss.
“I’m tempted all the time,” I whisper. “Things I cannot say out loud.”
“Levi,” she begins, only to pause. “Let me get the first aid kit.” I hear her footsteps retreating, then she returns. Before I can speak, she says, “We are all tempted. Tell me what it is. I’m sure you aren’t as terrible as you think.” I feel a cool, soft cloth run against my back. It stings, but I stay still as she wipes the blood away.
My face heats with embarrassment.
I can’t tell her about the blood.
