Page 34 of Drag You Down
If I did it once, I can do it again, right? My soul is strong.
But the flesh is always weak, and lately, I’ve discovered how weak my flesh truly is. Every night since that kiss, I’ve touched myself, imagining his smooth voice whispering in my ear, calling me agood boy, and I don’t even understand what’s so appealing about those words.
Of course I’m good.
I have to be good.
Except for the lying, and the temptation, and the sin.
“You just went out,” she points out. She bites her bottom lip, then toys with the hem of her dress’s sleeve. “Levi… The Devil isn’t tempting you into seeing someone outside of Father Zachariah’s flock, is he?”
My breath freezes in my throat, as if I’d suddenly been plunged into the lowest level of Hell. I clutch my book tighter. One of the pages rips.
“Why… why would you think that?” I ask Eve.
Eve tugs at her sleeve, an absent gesture she always does when she’s the one who’s nervous. She lets out a weak laugh. “I don’t know. The other day. You were so adamant that you’ddrawn the Devil’s eye, and…” Swallowing hard, she hesitates before asking, “That isn’t it, though, right?”
My heart is slamming against my rib cage, threatening to break out. “No, that was… I didn’t want Mary to get in trouble. She didn’t deserve it.”
That’s an even worse lie than before.
I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m supposed to be pious and righteous, but I don’t want to tell Eve the truth.
Gabriel isn’treallythe Devil, my traitorous mind supplies. An agent, at most. Surely the Devil wouldn’t waste time with me.
I expect Eve to look like she doesn’t believe me, so it’s no surprise when she slumps. But what’s worse is the disappointment I see in her eyes. “Okay,” she says. “I’m going to Ruth’s, then. Maybe… Maybe you should talk to Father Zachariah.”
“Maybe,” I agree tepidly.
Had anything really happened, though? I’d told Gabriel to leave me alone. Surely that’s proof that I’m holding strong against him.
Never mind that I keep remembering his hands on me, his lips against mine, and how he said he wanted to care for me.
If I take penance again?—
But with my back still injured, it might not be the lash I take. I give Eve a crooked smile. “Anyway, have fun. Remember that gossip is a sin.”
Eve frowns at me. “I wouldn’t betray your trust, Levi,” she says. “But I do think you should talk to him.” She shakes her head, turning for the door. Before she opens it, she turns back to look at me. “I will pray for you.”
“Thank you. You’re always in my prayers too,” I say, and guilt stabs me again.
I’d forgotten to pray last night.
I’d been so busy thinking of Gabriel that I’d fallen asleep before I said my nightly prayers.
Eve opens the door, and when the cringes creak, I have the bizarre urge to ask her not to go.
The door doesn’t close immediately, and when I look at her, I see that she’s crouching down in the doorway. “Levi?” she asks, standing up. “Do you—” She catches herself, then steps quickly back inside and closes the door behind her.
She’s holding a box with shiny silver wrapping paper, topped with a neat bow.
“Do you need to tell me something?” she asks. I think she’s trying to sound stern, but the words come out with her sounding bewildered, lost.
So young and innocent.
Everything that I’m not.
“What’s that?” I ask, like I don’t already know.
