Page 4 of One Moment in Time
‘You did,’ Brenda confirmed, full of anticipation. Bernadette’s daughter, Nina, and her son, Stuart, were the lights of her life.
‘Right, so we were all walking, John and me, Tadgh and his girlfriend, Hayley, my lot, and we were crossing one of the bridges over the Liffey, and suddenly, John stopped. At first I thought he’d taken a dizzy turn…’
‘Occupational hazard,’ Brenda pointed out, laughing.
‘Exactly. But then, he turned to me and he said, “Bernadette, I’m not one for big gestures, but I reckon this is the only time all these folks will be together for a while and I want them to be here to share this. M’darlin’, I never thought I’d have another chance to feel the kind of love I feel for you. This last year with you… well, it’s made an old git like me happier than I ever deserved to be and I never want this to end. Bernie, my love, will you marry me?”’
Brenda wasn’t usually one for tears, but she felt her eyes welling. ‘Oh Bernadette, that’s beautiful. And you said…?’
‘Well, at first, I didn’t say anything, because I was gobsmacked and too choked for words, but when I swallowed the bloody great big lump in my throat, I said, “Of course I will, because I love you too, you gorgeous big sod.” And then he picked me up and swirled me around and, honestly, Brenda, we felt like young things again. At least, until he got a twinge in his back and had to put me down.’
A couple of the new junior doctors on the ward wandered in, spotted two clearly emotional women at the table, and then backed out slowly, obviously deciding their microwave cheeseburgers and cans of Red Bull could wait.
‘He could barely straighten up the next morning, but it was worth it. The following day we went out and picked this ring…’ She flashed a beautiful gold band embedded with three small but perfect diamonds. ‘And that was us. Engaged. Soon to be hitched. I still can’t believe this is happening to me. We’ve not decided on all the details, but we’re thinking a September wedding in Ireland. Promise me you and Colin and the girls will come.’
Bernadette’s cheeks could barely contain her grin and Brenda chuckled with irrepressible delight and joy for her friend.
At least that’s what she thought until she heard herself say, ‘Yes, of course, we’d love… love…’ Her mind froze, she felt herself lose her grip on her smile and Bernadette was now staring at her with a very obvious expression of concern.
‘Brenda, ma love, are you okay? Only…’ Bernadette’s words trailed off and that’s when Brenda realised that her face was damp and her laughter had somehow morphed into sobs. Great big fat sobs, the kind that ambush the brain and take over your body and make you tremble and heave with the agony of them. ‘Oh jeezus, Brenda,’ Bernadette whispered and flew to her friend’s side.
Brenda felt the arms come around her, the fingers stroke her hair, but still, she couldn’t stop.
‘What’s wrong? What’s happened? Brenda, I’m so sorry if I’ve upset you but—’
‘No!’ Brenda managed to blurt, before gathering herself just enough to force out, ‘No, it wasn’t you, and I’m so sorry.’ More sobs. ‘I totally spoiled your moment there, Bernadette.’ Another sob and a huge sniff. ‘I’m so happy for you, I really am.’
Bernadette held her at arm’s-length now, pushing back stray strands of hair that had fallen from Brenda’s bun on to her face. ‘Och, love, what is it then?’
Brenda felt a fizz unravelling in her chest, like a Catherine wheel, sparking everywhere as it let loose until she could contain it no longer. ‘I want… I want to leave Colin.’
It was the first time she’d said it out loud and Brenda didn’t know if it made her feel better or worse. Strike that. Nothing could make her feel better right now.
The sound of the staffroom door opening again was barely audible until Bernadette yelled, ‘Out!’ to ward off any potential interruptions. Two young gents in scrubs backed out and the door swiftly closed again. Brenda knew she’d have to go find the nurses later and apologise, but right now she inhaled, exhaled, tried to gather herself. This wasn’t her. She didn’t do wild bursts of emotion or drama. She was usually the one consoling other people and trying to find a way to sort things out. But there was no fixing this or making it better. She knew that already. That’s why it was all so utterly devastating.
A bunch of tissues were thrust into her hands and she blew her nose, while Bernadette sat back on her chair, one hand still rubbing Brenda’s arm. ‘Right, love, when you can, just tell me what you’re feeling and let’s see if talking this through can help. God, I feel like a fool. I had no idea you were having problems. You two have always seemed so… fine.’
Brenda blew her nose again. That was it. Right there. ‘I know, Bernadette, but that says it all, really, doesn’t it?Fine. We’ve always been fine. But I - please don’t judge me here - I don’t want “fine” anymore, Bernadette. Colin and I… well, the truth is that we’ve always been great friends, but we got married so young and…’ Brenda stopped herself there. There was no point dredging up sob stories from a million years ago. What happened in Vegas when they’d got married… well, clichéd as it was, it had stayed in Vegas. They were young. They’d made mistakes. They’d thought they were doing the right thing at the time. And sometimes she felt like the last thirty years had been one long exercise in making the best of it. ‘The bottom line is that I’ve realised that if I stay with Colin, this is the most I’ll ever have. I’ll live my whole life without knowing what it feels like to be head over heels in love. Without feeling that special way that I read about in books. Without having that beaming smile that you’ve had for the last year.’
Bernadette’s eyes widened. ‘I’m so sorry if I’ve made you feel—’
‘No, no,’ Brenda cut her off. ‘Please don’t apologise. Bernadette, I’m thrilled for you, I really am. You’ve been through so much and you deserve every second of this happiness and more. But the thing is, I want to know what that feels like too… Is that pathetic? Or selfish?’
‘No,’ Bernadette shook her head, ‘of course not. But… do you think you could talk to Colin? Maybe make him see how you feel? Work on what you’ve got. I mean, thirty years is a long time to throw away. I’m sure if you told him—’
‘I’ve told him a hundred times,’ Brenda admitted, swallowing back a lump of sadness. ‘But the thing is, it’s just not in his nature. Never has been. He’s happy with his life, his work. He’s retiring early in a few months and he’s already talking about the things he wants to do in the garden. The walks he wants to take. The books he wants to read. And I love him for his laid-back attitude – God knows it’s made him a rock of sense all through our lives – but I don’t want any of that, Bernadette. I want to travel. To meet new people. To have some excitement. I want to live before I don’t have any life left in me. How many people have we lost lately…’
Bernadette nodded her head and Brenda knew she’d understand what she was saying. Another occupational hazard. In A&E, they both saw too much death, too many people taken too soon. And not just anonymous people. Bernadette’s first husband, a cardiologist and awful bastard of a man, had dropped dead with a heart attack only a couple of years before. One of their favourite doctors, Noah Clark, had lost his best friend in a brutal car crash only last month. Back at the start of the year, one of the other nurses on the ward, Rosina, a dear friend to them both, had lost her life to cancer. She was five years younger than Brenda and maybe that had been the start of it. The beginning of the wondering, of the fear of what she’d missed in life.
‘Too many,’ Bernadette agreed, then fell silent again. That was Bernadette’s way. Like Brenda, she preferred to listen, to let people talk, rather than try to get her own opinions in.
Brenda picked up her mug and took a slug of tea, hoping the warm liquid would loosen the tight grip her emotions had on her throat. ‘That’s what I mean. Not to sound corny, or maudlin, but none of us know what’s in front of us, or how long we’ve got, and there’s so much I haven’t done, haven’t felt. While we were bringing up our girls, that was fine. I didn’t even notice it. Well, you don’t, do you? I was just so happy to have my family and be a mum and I loved every minute of it, but the girls are grown now, living their own lives. And much as I feel sick every time I think about sharing how I feel and telling them that I want to leave their dad, I want to live my own life too.’
Bernadette gave her hand a squeeze, the red fringe of her hair bobbing as she nodded her head. ‘Brenda, in all our years I’ve never known you to make a bad decision, or a wrong move, or to act without thinking, so if this is what you feel is right for you, then I’ll do everything I can to help and support you. So what’s next? Are you going to talk to Colin about it?’
Brenda nodded, absorbing Bernadette’s words and feeling soothed by them. Just to have that reassurance that she wasn’t losing her mind, doing something crazy, to have someone telling her to trust her own feelings, it gave Brenda another brick in the bloody big wall of strength that she was going to have to build to get through this. ‘I will. Like I said, I’ve tried already, but he just doesn’t get it. He just points out how happy we’ve been all these years. And he’s not wrong. That’s what makes it so difficult to explain. He’s a good man. He’s never treated me badly.’
It was Brenda’s turn to squeeze Bernadette’s hand now, an acknowledgement of the hell Bernadette went through with her controlling, abusive, narcissistic ex-husband. When she’d found the courage to leave, Bernadette had sworn off men for life, just grateful to have escaped, but then she’d met John and now she was the happiest she’d ever been and engaged to be married to someone who made her giddy with excitement. It gave Brenda hope.
