Page 46 of Treasured
3. He’s… I then crossed that out and wrote without thinking.I love him.
“Fuck,” I said out loud as I stared at the words.
If I ever said that out loud, I’d doom us both. I would never be the strong woman I’d worked so hard to become. I folded the paper in half like if I hid it, then it wouldn’t be true.
But I swallowed and then wrote the second line,Cons.
This was better. I could focus on the negative until I got out of there.
First line of negatives wasn’t easy, but eventually I wrote,He’s big and muscular.
Sure, that was probably many people’s positives, but the bigger the guy was, the more it probably hurt if he hit, though Dwayne was the opposite of Arthur.
His quiet strength and confidence had protected us.
I crossed it out and tried again. I free wrote, and the next line just came out:He gets to me.
True. I hid in this room and broke up with him because I’d started to believe in him and me. I’d imagined us falling in love, being happy, and that could be bad.
Next line. I let my thoughts flow freely from my pen to the paper.I’m afraid.
That wasn’t about him but me. I took the paper and crumpled it into a ball. No one ever needed to see it. I dropped the crumpled paper beside me as I said, “This list-making shit is stupid. I’ll write him a note to give to him. That’s better.”
Good. I snapped my fingers like I’d made a final choice. Perfect.
He would not find either message, so I was allowed to be honest.
So I wrote,
Dwayne,
You in my life has been like a dream I couldn’t ever imagine. Your kiss sets me on fire. And sex is so hot, I fear I may never stop wanting you. For the rest of my life, I’m going to ache for you and dream of you. I’ve never met anyone like you and will likely never find anyone similar.
However, it’s good we broke up. I can’t lose sight of who I am. I need to be strong and live for Bruce.
So I’m sorry, but it’s probably better this way. You deserve to find a woman who’s whole and can make you happy. When this is over and it’s safe for my son, we’ll disappear. But I want to tell you that I fell in love with you the first second I met you.
Love,
Mary
My tears hit the paper and made a small circle in the corner. I folded it and wrote his name in cursive like my aunt had taught me. Then I let out a sigh and said, “I’ll never give this to him. I can’t.”
I stuck it under the pillow. I would sleep better at least knowing I’d tried to find the right words, even if I would never say anything out loud.
The moment I did, there was a knock at the door. I stiffened as he opened the door. If he could read my mind, he would kiss me right now, and all my reasons would be tossed out the window. But instead, he peeked his head in and said, “Mary.”
I ran my hand through my hair and ignored how my lips tingled. He wouldn’t kiss me. I was being silly. “What’s going on?”
His face was hard and unreadable. “I just got word that police have a lead on Arthur and are tracking him now.”
I lifted out of my spot and nodded at him. “Good. Maybe this will be over tonight.”
His shoulders relaxed, and he opened the door a little wider. “For your sake, I hope so. I just wanted to let you know.”
For a moment, neither of us moved, but then I pushed my hair behind my ear and said, “Thank you. We don’t deserve you.”
Dwayne stared at me, and for a moment, I swear the flash in his eyes whispered he was hurt, but he said, “Mary, it’s not about deserving. Fucked-up people get power and adoration. Good people can go homeless or get killed by a car. All we can do is live our lives to the fullest, every day.”
