Page 25 of Handsome
“Of course,” I said.
I needed to have more faith in my brother and in Sarah. And maybe in myself, too.
I refuse to spend my life making lists and following the exact order all the time. I needed to change, too.
10
Sarah
The moment Cyrus entered the nursery, my whole body began to pulse with awareness.
He came and reached for his son. I’d been in here for hours now, and it was only eight in the morning, so I gladly handed Joshua over and stepped away so I could get my body under control.
I backed away so I could get my hormones back under control.
So he wouldn't notice I was flustered, I blurted out the first distraction I could think of. “I spoke to the funeral home.”
His eyes widened. “This early?”
Joshua was fed, changed, cleaned. And I’d told him all about my day.
However, Cyrus would remember. My heart pounded but I said, “I’ll need to be gone for an hour.”
He nodded. “We’ll go together after breakfast.”
And save me. I backed away. “No. I want to go and then come home to breakfast and both of you.”
He didn’t move, and his face was expressionless when he said, “Take the limo.”
“I don’t need a ride.” I shook while I tried to imagine myself in the back of a huge car that would attract tons of attention.
He came closer, and the air around me came alive with my feelings, though all he said was, “It will be faster with a driver.”
Right. He wouldn't understand. I adjusted my sleeve and said, “The streets can be small.”
“Very well, they’ll take the Bentley,” he said, like he’d solved my problems.
There was no subway, and his home was too far away from my destination for a quick bike ride. I nodded and waved as I ran out, “Okay, be back soon.”
And sure enough, the driver got me there and back far more quickly than I expected.
On the way back to Cyrus's home, I sat in the back. Holding the two small, temporary urns of my siblings had grounded me into silence.
Neither of them had ever given me much thought, but that was okay, because I certainly never wanted to be with them. In fact, I've spent years avoiding alcohol myself, even though I serve it regularly.
Seeing other people tipsy only reminded me of the night my mother tried to sell me.
That was when I decided to find my own place and avoid creating waves. Maybe if I stayed quiet, no one would notice me.
As soon as the Bentley dropped me off at the house, I carried the urns to the beach.
If I told Cyrus, he’d of course want to come too, but I was the one who needed to say goodbye.
So I held up my baby brother and vowed to him that I’d never let Joshua experience his pain, which led him to a life where he tried and failed and blamed himself and fell into drinking. I poured his ashes out, and the wind took him.
Next, I reached for my sister. She always got what she wanted but was never satisfied once she had it. Not even when she held her son had she smiled. She lived in her plans. I sighed and promised I’d watch Joshua forever.
He needed me more than anyone else, especially my sister who didn’t even see how wonderful her son was beyond the potential bank account.
