Page 5 of Handsome
“No.” The officer met my eyes. He must know I already suspected.
I held up my finger and said, “Let me get the baby ready. One minute.”
Then I closed the door.
My shoulders were heavy, and tears made it hard to see clearly.
My siblings had been all I had.
I tossed the vodka bottle in the trash and wished…
No. I wiped my eyes and filled the diaper bag, packing extra diapers and bottles.
Since I’d seen Cyrus earlier, and he offered help, treating me kindly, I knew Joshua would probably be better off with his father’s family than anything I could ever give him.
With that, the last of my family would be gone, and I’d be alone, exactly the way I always wanted.
Still, I packed the outfit I bought for Joshua last week in the bag, so if he got to keep anything, he’d have me with him a little longer.
He was still sleeping, so I wrapped him in a blanket, held him tight to my chest, and left with the cops.
My sister and brother's drinking habits were a fight I lost a long time ago. I never had the power to stop them, ever.
The police put us in the back seat. I refused to touch anything and held Joshua tight.
He was the only reason I reconnected with Leah and Elijah when Leah contacted me saying she needed a sitter.
And unlike us, Joshua was sweet and innocent and good. The car stopped in front of the hospital. I blinked, but then realized Leah and Elijah were probably in a morgue.
A hospital was better than a police station.
I didn’t let the chilly night air touch Joshua, pulling his blanket loosely over his face and holding him close while I followed the men in blue.
In my experience, officers were decent tippers, so I’d probably be okay.
As I rounded the corner, near a waiting room I saw the dark eyes of that man from the street who made my knees weak. I had no idea how he knew this fast, but it didn’t matter. Fate was never in my corner.
I hated that my sister chose him to use in her extortion scheme, because until tonight I’d never been jealous of her.
He came closer, and my hairs stood on end again as he asked, “Is that my son?”
Tears welled in my eyes again. I hugged the sleeping baby, and my throat caught as I asked, “Can… I have a minute?”
He reached out and then pulled his arms back as he said, “I want… okay.”
I turned away. I didn’t care that my cheeks were wet. Tonight was the worst night of my life, because now I'd truly lost Joshua. I whispered, “Joshua, it’s going to be okay. If you ever need me, I’ll be there for you.”
Without a word I handed Cyrus the bag and the baby. If I looked at either of them, I’d break. So I went and followed the officers, who were waiting at the end of the hall.
Joshua’s cry made me tremble, but I’d lost him too.
I refused to look back and proceeded with the officers. They opened two refrigerated morgue drawers and showed me the bodies.
For both of them, it was like I saw nothing but an empty shell. I closed my eyes and wished I believed in something—anything—but then I sighed and said, “That’s them.”
They closed the drawers, and I signed their papers.
The night my parents died had felt endless, but for my siblings I felt nothing.
