Page 35 of Eat Your Heart Out
17
Ali
A cold shower didn’t stop my crazy thoughts. He hadn’t chased me, which only confirmed I’d fucked everything up. I’d demanded we stay friends then changed faster than one of those windup dolls from a value meal.
Once again, I’d gone headfirst into disaster. The swim earlier and how he’d described his relationship and his family had made me ache to belong. I’d never wanted a man who had everything, including a loving support system.
I mumbled, “I’ll tell him to send me home.” The thought hit me fast that I needed to leave him. We were past friends. I sighed. “Don’t be stupid.” Then I turned off the water and rocked on my feet, closing my eyes. “Now I’m talking to my damn self.”
I left the small shower and noticed the waves outside the door were higher. It didn’t matter. I grabbed a white dress and tugged it on, noticing how it made me look. I turned away from the mirror. My body craved his touch. I remembered how wild it had felt to be in his arms. My skin steamed and my mind raced, all at the same time.
If we weren’t on a ship, I would be out of there already. Running made more sense than staying. I brushed my hair and wished I’d stopped myself. Not knowing how wonderful he was would probably have been better. It would be good to disappear whenever we landed.
My mind replayed how he kissed me, first on the balcony, and how he tasted better than candy. He was perfect. And I missed his touch.
Half of me wanted to kiss him again, and I sighed. I was clearly a mess who thought and said one thing then acted out and did the exact opposite.
A knock echoed in my room. I opened the door, and there he was. My body ached to grab him and toss him on the bed with a half wish that if I could have sex, then maybe I could have him. Nothing in my head and heart made sense.
He asked, “Can I come in?”
I burned, as I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I only knew I missed him. I nodded. “Sure.”
The bed behind me made heat rush to my face. Kissing and touching should have stayed off-limits. If I could manage it, though, he would be perfect as a friend with benefits.
He said, “I wanted to give you this.” Then he handed me a small gift bag he must have carried behind his back.
I shook my head. Normally, I was more perceptive, but I was clearly off-kilter. I opened it and saw a candle that read,Homesick. I swallowed and asked, “What’s this for?”
“It smells like Chicago, or so they said. I wanted you to have a memory of your mom.”
Tears swelled in my eyes. He was the sweetest man I’d ever met. Maybe I could try for more than platonic, though I wasn’t sure. “Thank you.”
“Let’s go to the library now.” He backed up to the door.
I put the candle down and noticed him gazing at the bed. A tremble rushed through me, and I realized he was being honorable and a sweet guy, again. I let out a sigh. It was hard to tell him what was on my mind. He was wonderful. I was the disaster who would lead him into trouble. The thought burst my bubble as I followed him out the small door into the corridor.
His brief touch as I crossed the threshold threw me. If I stayed with him and pretended everything was okay with me and us, I would never escape the fact that I didn’t belong there. I destroyed everything I ever loved. I met his gaze and decided I needed to tell him I was leaving. I couldn’t just jump ship when we found port. Telling him was the least I could do. But first, I needed the courage to open my mouth.
