Page 60 of Eat Your Heart Out
34
Ali
I woke up alone. I blinked, as the sun was still bright, but my heart hammered. The last thing I’d ever intended to do was hurt Gerard. Yet over and over again, it seemed that I did. My chest ached, and for a second, I buried my head against my knees and rocked. I wasn’t sure how to fix the situation or us. I needed to apologize, except I wasn’t sure how.
I cleaned up fast and threw on my clothes. Words weren’t easy for me. I needed to show him somehow what was in my heart, not that I knew exactly how to read myself.
I tensed as I realized I couldn’t do much to demonstrate my emotions. He was a trillionaire with a staff that handled his every whim. However, maybe writing out my post about the Azores then creating a living schedule might help. The staff would appreciate a set plan, as they seemed like they never slept, and schedules were easier to manage.
I snuck into my room and set to work on my laptop. I heard the whistle of the ship as I finished. I hit Save and closed the computer. It was time to find Gerard.
I headed upstairs since he usually helped the captain or maintained the engine, so those were my two options. I found him on the deck with some of the deckhands, releasing the rope.
I rushed to help, but they’d finished. The engine grew louder, and I took his hands. A rush of energy coursed through me as I did. “Are we casting off?”
“We’ll be in Portugal in three days.”
My heart thundered, and my mind whispered that I needed to tell him. I swallowed hard and tugged him backward. “Can we talk for a minute?”
He nodded. “Sure. The chef had Zheng go back and get five more cakes for the crew once he tried it and saw the receipt.”
A smile grew on my lips. I liked showing him that his world would always be better when the staff were happy. I closed the door behind us as I said, “I’m happy everyone is getting a treat.”
We walked to some seats.
“What’s going on?” he asked.
My heart wasn’t racing. It was constricting like I would die if I didn’t score a goal. My body trembled, and I wished I could tell him. I took a deep breath. “I… wrote the blog.”
“Good.”
I rocked to calm myself, not that it helped much. “That’s not all.”
“What?”
I squeezed his hands and hoped I could tell him sorry for how I’d treated him. But the words failed me. “I… made us a schedule so the crew can be better prepared for us.”
“What?” He tilted his head. He probably thought I was crazy.
The word “sorry” should be easy, right?Tears formed in my eyes, as I couldn’t say it. I wasn’t ready for the question that followed—why?So I wiped my face dry. “It seems harder for the crew to manage requests if we decide our days on whims when we’re at sea. I think staying consistent puts less of a burden on them.”
“Okay, sure.”
I pressed my hand to my heart. I needed to try one more time. “Gerard…” A sob escaped me.
He patted my arm as if to ease my pain. “Yeah?”
I jumped up. I needed to stop freaking out every time I thought about us. He was wonderful. I waved for him to join me. “Let’s go swimming now.”
“Okay.”
Hopefully, soon, I would have the strength I needed. For the time being, I vowed I would purposefully try not to hurt him again. The truth was it was my fault I was so scared about what happened next, and I needed to fix me. Then I could beg forgiveness. Hopefully, whatever happened between us could hold on, but I needed to change.
