Page 34 of A Labor of Hate
Colt waited patiently, sitting on the couch and patting the cushion beside him until I joined him.
Wow.I was really doing this.Okay.
When I still didn’t continue, he finally broke the silence.“Your family is in Pennsylvania, right?Even your sister.Is this about her?”
I shook my head.“It’s about my brother.”
He stilled.“I didn’t realize you have a brother.”
“I don’t.”I swallowed hard.“Not anymore, anyway.He, uh” —I blinked against the impending tears— “he was the oldest of all the kids.Dominick.”
I could still picture his face when I closed my eyes.Dark hair like me and Dekker, a slight goatee and mustache on his thin frame, a beaded necklace over his collarbones.“He was seven years older than me.The typical rebellious child, acting out to get Mom and Dad’s attention.I had Dekker, but we were both young enough he didn’t feel like he had anybody.
“He was such a great brother, though.Everyone thought he was gruff, bad news, a bad influence.But with us, he was different.He made sure we did our homework, did our best in school, pursued our passions.In a lot of ways, he was the dad our dad could’ve been if he’d prioritized us over work.”I rubbed the heels of my hands into my eyes.“Anyway, his rebellion eventually led him to drugs.Dekker and I tried to help him.We tried to get him to go to rehab, anything, but nothing would help unless he wanted to get better.And for a long time, he didn’t.”
Colt nodded, though remained silent.
“Then he must’ve changed his mind.He started going to rehab on his own.Looked like he was finally getting clean.”I took in a shuddery breath, willing the tears not to leave my eyes.“And then he relapsed.But the drugs he relapsed with were more potent than he was used to, so his usual amount turned into an overdose.”
“Le Chimiste?”
I nodded.“I can’t prove it, obviously, but I’m positive that was one of his first batches.At least one of the first to make it all the way to Pennsylvania.”
“And that’s why you’re willing to go through all of this to get him.”
I sighed and sank back into the couch.Getting up would be a flopping nightmare, but I didn’t care anymore.“I don’t know if I’d be as determined if it was anyone else.I’d like to think so, since anyone making or distributing drugs is putting other families through what mine experienced.But, yeah, this is personal.”I huffed softly.“I’ve been waiting to be transferred here since Quantico, hoping I’d get a chance to work where he was rumored to be located.”
He let the information sink in, nodding slowly and pursing his lips in thought.“And did this assignment just remind you of everything, or…?”
Right.Here was where the connection got tricky, since most normal people didn’t cry over their late brother while talking with strangers about babies.
I shook my head.“No, it was all the talk about children.”
At his perplexed expression, I laughed.Which ended up sounding like a mix between a laugh and a sob, but I’d lost whatever dignity I had when I put the fake belly on the first time, so whatever.
“After Dominick passed, I saw what the loss did to my parents.My dad didn’t want to talk about it, while Momneededsomeone to talk to.They were two different people on two different paths that no longer seemed to intersect.”I resumed my earlier fidgeting with my shirt.“Dekker and I were afraid for a long time that they’d divorce or separate, it was so bad.They used to be so in love, and the loss of their child tore them and their marriage apart.As it was, Dekker and I had to fend for ourselves for a while, especially emotionally.”
I scrunched my eyes shut against the memories.It wasn’t like Mom and Dad had physically neglected us, per se.Mom was still there most of the time, but she’d retreated into herself so completely that it was like we’d been living with a phantom.Someone barely hanging on, going through the motions without truly seeing the kids she still had left.And Dad?Well, he’d done what he did best: worked.If I hadn’t had Dekker and my dance team, I don’t think I would’ve made it, either.
And if I had to experience that again, I wouldn’t survive it a second time.
Colt shifted beside me, pulling me back to the present.I shrugged and picked at the hem of my shirt.“So, I vowed to never have children of my own if losing one would do that to me and my husband.”
He leaned back, regarding me carefully.“But is that what youwant?”
I laughed darkly.“What I want doesn’t matter much.This is what’s for the best.”
“Considering it’syourfuture, I’d say what you want matters a lot.”
I paused, considering his words.If I didn’t know firsthand what losing someone you loved so much did to you, would I want kids?Since Dominick passed, I’d never even stopped to consider it.Avoiding the chance to be so thoroughly torn to pieces was the logical plan.And avoiding that was what I wanted.
“I don’t want to love anyone so much, so completely, that losing them would make me lose myself.”
“Hmm.”He propped his head into his hand, leaning against the back of the couch.“And a child is the perfect example of that kind of love.”
“Exactly.”
“So, what about this future husband of yours?Will you not love him like that?”
