Page 71 of A Labor of Hate
In fact, after a few heart stopping seconds of fingers-only contact, he flipped his hand over in one smooth motion to hold mine in its entirety.His hands were as warm and lightly calloused as I remembered and exactly what I wanted.
All over me, really, but this was a great start.
It was a heady rush, this simple, innocent form of intimacy.Flutters in my stomach, cotton in my mouth, and warmth flooding my veins.I wanted so much more, and I wanted exactly this.Ecstasy in simplicity.
Neither of us spoke for a full minute.We sat in the dark, grabbing onto a new trapeze together, waiting to see whether we’d fly or fall.It felt monumental and terrifying and exciting, toeing the line between colleagues and more.Fake spouses and more.
“Colt?”I finally asked, my voice small and embarrassingly vulnerable.
“Hmm?”
He rubbed his thumb along my finger absently, nearly melting me into a puddle here and now.If something this innocent made me chomp at the bit, I shuddered at the possibilities of what else his touch could do to me.
I shook the thought away and cleared my throat.“Is this… real?”
His thumb stopped moving, his hand tensing ever so slightly in mine.“Iswhatreal?”
“This.You and me.Right now.”I swallowed hard.“I need to know now before—” I cut my sentence short, the unfinishedbefore I fall in love with youringing through my thoughts.“I just need to know.”
“I… don’t know.”
My sprinting heart tripped on its shoelaces and plummeted.“What do you mean you don’t know?”
“I mean I don’t know.”
When I started slipping my hand out of his, he tightened his hold.Lightning flashed, illuminating his furrowed brow and chiseled cheekbones in shades of gray.
“I don’t know how much of this is because of the nature of our assignment,” he continued, his words uncharacteristically rushed.Urgent, almost.“I don’t know if the lines are just blurring for me, too, or if something has changed between us by itself or if this was always inevitable.I don’t know what to do about it, and I’m positive that acting onthis” —he squeezed my hand— “would be a mistake.Especially before the assignment is over.But ...”
When he trailed off, I shifted to face him, freeing my hand from his.The roar in my head increased to a deafening decibel.I didn’t know whether to run or fight or throw up.In my mind’s eye, I fell from the trapeze, the wind whipping my hair and stealing the scream from my throat.
“But” —his voice was soft and deliberate, each word carrying the weight of a kingdom on its shoulders— “I think doing nothing would be an even bigger one.”
I blinked rapidly.Had I heard that right?
“So, what do we do?”I whispered.Thunder rocked the sky.I tried not to take it as an omen.“I… I want this to be real, Colt.Everything else can be a lie, but you and me?I need you to be you with me.The real you.As much as you can, and when you can’t, I want to know.Somehow.”
He shifted, the mattress dipping under his weight until I tipped toward him.“And you’ll do the same?”
I cracked a small smile.“I promise.Speed-eating and ‘height of fashion’ and all.”
“Well, maybe you can keepthoseparts to yourself a little longer.”
“Hey!”I laughed and cuffed him on the leg.
Fast as the lightning outside, his nimble fingers wrapped around my wrist and gently tugged me closer.I eagerly complied, and he took both of my hands in his.
“There will be some lines we can’t cross, Lex.”He paused.The air crackled with energy, and his voice became a touch huskier.“No matter how much we might want to.”
My breath caught in my throat.The visions I’d shoved out of my mind came back with a vengeance, heating my blood.“Do you?Want to, I mean.”
A dark chuckle escaped him, unexpected and intoxicating.“There is no shortage of things I want to do when it comes to you.”
My brain broke, leaving only a buzzing white noise in its place.My mouth went dry.My breath lingered in my chest, a cushion for my thumping heart.
“But I can’t do any of them until this is all over,” he clarified, squeezing my hands.“This feels too important to jeopardize, and not only because of our delicate situation.There are things we’ll need to figure out if this is going to work long-term.That includes making sure whatever this is between us doesn’t change once we’re no longer living under the same roof.”
There he went, crushing my little dreams with his logic again.Still, even in my twitterpated state, I couldn’t deny he had a point.For one, he wanted a family, and last he knew, I didn’t want to have any kids.And, yeah, the nature of our cover complicated things by a thousand.If we crossed the line of no return between us while technically on the job, the consequences could be dire.One or both of us could get transferred to a different field office.Maybe even lose our badges.
