Page 112 of A Brush with Love
She took another deep breath before starting again. “I’ve spent my entire life afraid of pain,” she said, tears streaming freely down her cheeks. “Losing my mom… It felt like something broke in me after that. My body felt in constant danger. I cling to routine and order and perfection because I think I can control those things. If I can control my life, things can’t hurt me.”
She blinked, tilting her head back as tears traced down her cheeks. “I’m terrified of letting people in and losing them. So scared of experiencing that pain again,” she continued, looking at him. “And losing someone I loved so much has made me unsure how to love without losing.”
She closed her eyes for a moment, and Dan reached out, cupping her cheek in his hand. She nuzzled into the touch.
“I’ve always believed if I could avoid pain,” she continued, “I would be okay. And I was good at it. I built walls around me and walked through life like any misstep would detonate a land mine. And then you came along.” She was laughing and smiling through her tears as she reached up and placed both her palmson his cheeks. “And my feelings for you… they crumbled every careful wall I’ve ever built. You seeped into every crack, every fragment. My best friend. My lover. And I was so scared to feel everything I felt for you. It was easier to be angry. It was easier to throw blame around than admit the truth.”
“What’s the truth?” he asked through a hoarse throat.
Harper smiled. A big, luminous smile that shattered his heart in his chest. “The truth is, falling in love with you was the most inevitable, uncontrollable thing to ever hit me. I couldn’t stop it even if I wanted to. And it scared the shit out of me. I thought it would hurt me. But now I realize that being apart from you hurts so much more. I miss you so much, my bones ache with it.”
“I miss you too,” Dan said. It was simple and honest and the sum of his feelings.
“I’m sorry,” Harper whispered, the words passing lightly over his skin. “I’m so damn sorry. You shouldn’t forgive me for what I said. How I acted. But if you can forgive me, I promise I will spend every day making it up to you.”
“Of course I forgive you,” Dan said, placing his hands over hers where she still touched him.
“I know I’m a mess. I know… I know I’m not easy to love…”
“Harper, loving you is the easiest thing I’ll ever do.”
Dan couldn’t say who moved first after that.
Maybe Harper leaned fully into him.
Maybe he grabbed her.
It didn’t matter.
They sank to the floor, gripping each other like life rafts in a storm. They held and squeezed and cried together, months and years of pain released to the world with each tear that fell. The pain couldn’t be held by the other, the suffering wasn’t the opposite’s to endure, but they could hold each other through it, root the other to a safe spot. Be the other’s home.
Days passed in minutes as they sat, wrapped in each other’sarms, words tumbling from lips, and sobs eventually turning back into breaths.
Dan smoothed his hands over Harper’s hair, her back, her arms. Anywhere he could reach, he wanted to touch.
“I’m going to therapy,” she whispered against his heart.
“I am too,” he said, pressing a kiss to her forehead, dragging his lips across her temple and down to her cheek. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I left the way I did. I felt like if I didn’t get out, I would drown.”
“I love you for leaving,” she said, leaning in to kiss along his jaw.
“You do?”
“Yes. I love you for chasing what you love. I love you for doing what you needed to do for you.” She kissed across his eyelids, his nose. “But, most of all, I love you for showing me that love doesn’t have to end in loss.”
Harper pulled her head back to look up at him. There was nothing he could do but kiss her.
It wasn’t frantic. It wasn’t wild.
It was the calm in the eye of the storm.
It was everything they needed.
Mind.
Body.
World.
