Page 71 of A Brush with Love
“What would it need?” Lizzie asked.
Harper took a deep breath. “When I’m with him, I don’t feel balanced. Nothing else matters except him and I, and that’s not right. That’s not something I can do right now and that’s not the woman I am. I’ve come this far, and it’d be ridiculous for me to throw everything away for some guy.”
Her friends shared a look before Indira spoke. “Focusing only on grades and school isn’t balance, sweets. It’s actually extremely unbalanced. You’re smitten and that’s normal! Who wouldn’t be totally wrapped up in a hot guy who adores them?”
Indira reached across the table and squeezed Harper’s hand. “He brings something out in you. You’re… playful when you’re with him. Your smile’s brighter, you laugh harder… Having a lifeandcareer is possible. People do it all the time.” Indira’s eyes were soft as she spoke, but Harper turned away.Indira was talking about a life that Harper didn’t feel could be her own.
If she couldn’t feel in control of the one she was living now, how could she ever manage welcoming another person into the chaotic storm?
“We better start studying,” Harper said, waking up her computer.
Another glance passed between her friends, but Harper ignored it. They settled into their natural rhythm, typing away notes and asking the occasional question to the group, Lizzie playing on her phone and periodically calling them nerds. Harper was preparing for a particularly tricky root canal case scheduled for Wednesday when Harper and Thu’s computers pinged in unison.
“Practical grades are up,” Thu said as she scanned the email. “Took the attendings long enough.”
Practicals were graded based on live performance and didn’t offer the same instant score reports their electronic exams did. Harper felt the drowning sensation start. The practical had not gone well for her and she knew she didn’t want to see her score.
She’d gone in groggy and unprepared for the treatment planning assessment, having stayed up way too late talking with Dan, per her new routine. She’d also spent the morning lingering at the coffee shop next to school, laughing with him when she’d intended to go in early for some last-minute prepping.
“I passed!” Thu cheered. “Thank fuck for that.”
“Well, aren’t you just the little superstar,” Indira said, pinching Thu’s cheek as she leaned over her friend’s shoulder to look at the notes.
No point in delaying it. Harper logged in to check her score, fingers jittery as she typed. It felt like acid was dripping into her chest.
B-.
Fuck.
Harper pushed back from the table, tears stinging at her eyes, embarrassment and shame telling her to run.
She knew her friends wouldn’t get it—hell, most of the timeshedidn’t even understand her obsession with grades. Those little letters could seem trivial and inconsequential in the grand scheme of life, but they choked her. They wrapped their arms around her throat and squeezed all the air out of her. She felt childish and stupid for caring so much, but she had no control over the circling obsession. Being able to rationalize their overall insignificance and still have the overwhelming compulsion to excel made it all the worse.
“What’s wrong, Harpy?” Thu asked, reaching for her.
“I fucked up,” Harper said, running trembling hands through her hair.
Thu’s face turned to a mask of confusion as she craned her neck to look at Harper’s screen.
“B minus? You’re hysterical over aB minus?”
“I’ve never gotten a B before,” Harper snapped, tugging at her hair. “Minus!” she added, throwing her hands in the air. She started pacing the room.
“Is the apocalypse upon us?” Indira teased, but shut her mouth at Thu’s warning look.
“It isn’t fucking funny, Indira,” Harper said. “You all act like I’m some sort of fucking joke, like I’m an idiot for trying so hard. Do you think I want to be this way? Do you think I like feeling like this?” Harper gripped at her chest. “Ithurts,” she said through gritted teeth. “My body fucking hurts. All the time. And it’s so easy for you guys to look around and think everything is fine and I’m overreacting because, yeah, technically everything is okay, but that doesn’t stop my body from feeling like it’s dying. Like the world is ending and adrenaline is eating me from the inside out.”
Her hands were shaking as she pushed her bangs away from her face, feeling like she couldn’t breathe. “And there’s nothingI can do about it. But instead of showing me a little patience, all you do is poke and tease me and tell me to fuck some guy because it makes a great punch line to your jokes.”
She sucked in a rattling breath. “But I care,” she said, jabbing a finger at her chest. “I care about my grades. And residencies care. And I care about getting into residency.” She paused for a moment, her whole body shaking. “It’s all I fucking have.”
Walls were closing and air was in short supply. Her mind transformed into a highway, incoherent thoughts that she couldn’t slow down racing from all directions. If they would just slow down… She was torn between the urge to sprint away or curl into a ball, but emotions rooted her body to the spot as hot, shameful tears slipped down her cheeks.
“Harper. Look at me. We need you to calm down.” Thu stood in front of her, running soothing circles up and down Harper’s arms. “We don’t think you’re a joke, we think you’re amazing. But we also think you’re human and too hard on yourself. Bs are nothing to be ashamed of. Residencies won’t turn you down or revoke placement over one B. It’s a great grade.”
“Better than anything I could ever do,” Lizzie said, eyes filled with worry.
“I don’t— It’s not—I—” Harper sucked in lungfuls of air. They didn’t get it. No one really did. She didn’t want to explain that the endless competition she felt was against some idyllic Harper that was alwaysjustout of reach—the spiraling feeling that she was never quite where she was supposed to be, never quite worthy enough. Of what, she wasn’t sure.
