Page 95 of A Brush with Love
“Can I ask you a question?” she whispered, all her countless feelings globbing together into anger.
“Of course,” Dan said, leaning toward her, reaching out for her. She avoided his touch.
“Who the fuck do you think you are?” she asked evenly, fixing him with a cold stare.
“W-what?”
“Who. The. Fuck. Do you think you are? Telling someone I’m mentally ill? Telling me I need therapy? I’m just curious where you get off.”
“Excuse me?” Dan said, his head reeling back, his temper rising to the surface. “Are you fucking kidding me right now, Harper? If you didn’t notice, you’ve been having a full-blown meltdown for the past twenty-four hours that resulted in you beinghospitalized. And you’re mad that I told adoctorabout it?”
“I didn’t have a meltdown!” Harper nearly shouted, her blood pounding at her temples. She knew she was a dirty little liar. But lying was better than admitting the truth, better than submitting to the reality of how much anxiety controlled her life. “And none of that information was yours to tell. I don’t go broadcasting your bullshit around.”
“My bullshit?”
“Yeah, Dan. Your bullshit.” She couldn’t stop herself. All that shame, all that embarrassment, swelled inside her, lashing out in a rage. Striking at the closest thing. “You’rethe one who needs help. You’re the one walking around like some precious martyr for your dead dad. ‘Oh, woe is me. I had a meanie father, and now my mom wants me to come work with her after school. My life is so hardwhaaa whaaa whaaa.’” Harper was being cruel. Absolutely awful. And she hated how good it felt. Anything to remove the attention from her own fucked-up mind.
Dan stared at her, the anger draining from his face, leaving nothing but fractured sadness across his features. She wanted to cry. She wanted to snatch the words out of the air and cram them back down her throat. She wanted to choke on them.
“I shouldn’t have said that,” she whispered, her fingers knotting together in her lap.
“You aren’t wrong,” Dan said, running his hands through his hair. He wouldn’t look at her. “I am fucked up. I carry around so much guilt, I sometimes think my spine will snap from the weight of it. I’ll suffocate under it. But I’m also willing to work on it. Are you willing to work on yours?” he said, fixing her with a raw stare. “Because, I’m not sure it’s good for us to be together if you’re not.”
“What are you saying?” Harper’s throat seemed to close around every syllable as she forced the words out.
“I’m saying I want to be with you, but not in an unhealthy way. I’ve had enough damaged relationships in my life. I don’t want this to be another.”
Harper shook her head, tears streaming down her face. “I can’t do this. I’ve told you from the start—I don’t want this.”
“Bullshit. You’re scared. You’re scared because this feels more real than the safe little life you imagined for yourself.”
He stood, pacing the small length of floor along her hospital bed, before turning on her.
“Being together wasn’t part of your precious plan. So what? The world won’t end just because your plan changes. We could make a new plan. Together. You don’t have to be perfect, Harper.” He grabbed her hand, rubbing his thumb over her knuckles as he spoke. “But you deserve to be happy. You deserve to live without this pain pressing on you.”
Sharp tears pricked at Harper’s eyes. It would be so nice if her mind would let her trust that—let her break out of this constant cycle of doubt. But she couldn’t. She felt betrayed. She felt humiliated. She felt so many awful things at once, she thought she’d be ripped in half by the strength of them.
“I think you should go,” she said, pulling her hand away, tugging at her hair.
“Let me take you home,” he said quietly. “We can talk this out.”
Harper shook her head, staring fixedly at the peaks and valleys on the EKG next to her. “I can’t have you take me home.”
“Why?”
She took a shuddering breath, tears brimming over her eyes. “Because if you do, I’ll invite you up.”
“Would that be the worst thing in the world?” Dan asked softly.
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because then I would have to let you in.”
The hurt radiating from Dan’s body was almost palpable, her skin absorbing every wave of it like a punch to the gut.
All was silent for a few minutes before she spoke again. “You need to leave.”
