Page 18 of The Plus One
“I-I… I was listening… I mean, I heard… I…” Jude hung his head. “I’m sorry,” he said at last. He was an asshole. He’d come back to celebrate Collin and Jeremy, but his brain was always a million miles away.
“Jude, come on, I’m just kidding,” Collin said, patting Jude on the shoulder. “I’m getting to the point where I’m annoying myself with wedding talk. If you’d asked me two years ago if I’d have an opinion on napkin rings and bow ties, I would have laughed in your face. Now I have multiple Pinterest boards, for fuck’s sake.”
Jude let a huff of a laugh through his nose. “Why are you being so, uh… detail oriented?”
Collin laughed again, dragging a hand through his sweaty hair. The slow smile that curved his lips was infectious. “Because it’s kind of… fun?” he said. “Jeremy’s been dreaming up wedding plans since he was a kid, and he loves this stuff. And I love getting swept up in things with him, I guess.”
Jude nodded, a weird achy weight settling on his shoulders as he tried to relate to the feeling. He couldn’t.
“It’s no different than our lawn and garden,” Collin said, green eyes crinkling at the corners with his soft smile. “I never thought I’d give a shit about grass length or hedge trimming or sun exposure on a patch of dirt, but now we’re both obsessed with it all. We’ll spend hours working on the garden and even more hours talking about it. It’s surprisingly fun to indulge in the details or something. Get lost in the complex simplicity of it all. It can be… I don’t know, really nice getting caught up in the small things with someone you love.”
Jude nodded again, knowing he’d never have that type of closeness with someone. Knowing he’d always exist as this empty shell, none of life’s small details affecting him because all the big ones had chewed him up.
“I’m glad you have that,” Jude said.
Collin smiled again “But, erm, I did want to talk to you.”
Jude’s stomach sank. He hated talking.
The pair started walking down the block, Collin chewing on his bottom lip as he searched for words.
“I can’t help but get the feeling you’re… I mean, it’s not even a feeling. It’s a fact. You aren’t yourself.” Collin glanced at Jude, worried lines creasing his forehead. “It’s like you’re somewhere else. Or thinking about something that’s… I don’t know, bothering you. You’ve always been quiet, but this seems different.”
Jude didn’t know what to say to that. He wasn’t himself. He’d probably never be that person again. He felt uncomfortable in hisbody, like he didn’t deserve the space it took up. Like it didn’t fully belong to him. He tried so hard to be normal, to avoid burdening anyone with the guilty weight cinched around his neck, but apparently Collin had noticed.
“And I guess, uh—” Collin cleared his throat, dragging a hand down his mouth and chin. “I guess I want you to know that if you need to talk about anything, we can. Like I said, I know I’m ridiculously focused on the wedding and stuff, but that doesn’t mean we can’t… you know… talk. And shit. Or whatever.”
“Wow,” Jude said, shooting Collin an impressed look. “That was really beautiful. And here I thought Indira was the psychiatrist.”
Collin laughed as he punched Jude’s shoulder. “Okay, asshole. Bury those feelings all you want. But just know the offer doesn’t expire.”
Jude stopped, cracking his knuckles as emotions clogged up his throat. Collin stopped too, looking at Jude, carefully studying him.
Jude jerked forward a bit, almost reaching out and wrapping Collin in a hug. He knew Collin would hug him back, let Jude collapse against him if he needed.
But Jude feared if he gave an inch of himself to someone, he’d crumble completely. And he couldn’t handle breaking more than he already was.
So, instead, he clapped a hand on Collin’s shoulder and attempted a smile.
Collin smiled back, genuine and warm. “Love ya, man.”
Jude’s friendship with Collin was the most effortless relationship in Jude’s life. They’d been best friends since kindergarten, close as brothers through high school. Roommates in college and med school. Jude had even been there the night Collin and Jeremy met.
Something about his bond with Collin always made him feel safe.
Which made guilt churn in Jude’s stomach and flood down to his toes as he thought about how many minutes of the past day he’d spent picturing Collin’s little sister naked.
Which was so ridiculous. Obscene, really. Jude didn’t evenlikeIndira… not that much anyway. Being around her was never easy. She was obstinate and annoying and seemed to find perverse joy in being a pain in the ass. A constant challenge. Collin was safe, but Indira was terrifying, and being back with both of them was twisting him into knots.
“Tell me more about the wedding,” Jude said through a tight throat, walking down the street again.
Collin didn’t need to be asked twice.
He talked about flowers. The mountain venue. Cake tastings. Listed at least three variations of an engagement party, one of which was happeningafterthe wedding. Jude decided not to ask too many questions on that one.
“And, in a mildly shocking turn of events, my dad is going to give me away.”
“Not your mom?” Jude asked, thoroughly shocked. Angela had raised Collin and Indira—and Jude, considering how often he had stayed over at their place—alone after their father, Greg, had left.
