Page 110 of Summer Breakdown
“I can go in the front room,” Frankie says quietly, when they start shuffling around.
“No,” Lani whines, moving until she’s resting against her again. “Please can you stay? I don’t take up much room.” Jasmine smiles. She trusts Frankie as much as Lani does. Even if she’ll sleep in the middle because she has never warned Frankie that Lani is a hot-water bottle and a fidget.
Frankie looks over at Jasmine, who nods with a smile.
“Okay,” Frankie replies softly.
“Yay,” Lani replies, then does her signature roll away and gets under the covers. She looks so silly. The fluffy pillows almost swallow her whole. It doesn’t take long for Lani to fall asleep against Jasmine. Jasmine runs her fingers over Lani’s back and thinks about how hard it might be to get full custody. Mike would put up a fuss because he’s a loser. Or, what’s worse, he’ll say yes without one. Lani and Marcel would know he didn’t even try. Jasmine’s not sure; she only knows that she’s going to do it anyway.
“I’m going to get full custody,” she whispers. She wants Frankie to know everything she ever thinks. There’s a part of Jasmine that’s terrified to be a single parent, even if she knows she always was one. She worries about the stigma and the shame, but she’s not a child anymore. She raised two polite, lovely, fucking delightful children, and she did it alone.
“I’ve got you, sweetheart,” Frankie whispers, pressing her lips to her shoulder.
Jasmine’s not alone anymore. She’s the happiest she’s ever been.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Frankieknewthingscouldchange overnight. One Direction had warned her the night changes, and she didn’t listen because she was too ashamed to be listening to a boy band at her great age.
Her thirty years on this earth prove that she should know things change with no notice, but she didn’t see the warning signs past the bright light of Jasmine’s smile. She didn’t realise it would all come crashing down because she couldn’t see past taking Lani for ice cream. Frankie didn’t see it coming as she felt Marcel’s head landing on her shoulder when she convinced him to watchTwilight.
But the pretty house and the darling life aren’t enough to keep Frankie from spiralling. The wonderful girlfriend and the family she’s always craved aren’t enough to stop her being insane. She should have pushed her doctor on not swapping her pills. The family doctor is nice, but it’s too late.
Frankie doesn’t want everyone’s life to be harder just so she can exist. It’s exhausting. Everything about life is bone-tiring. She doesn’t want to do it anymore.
No, she didn’t see it coming, but it’s here anyway, and as hard as she tries, she can’t get off the floor.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Frankielosesthepeopleshe loves. It’s inevitable. There’s no part of her that wants to watch Jasmine slip away. There’s no part of her heart that doesn’t beat for Jasmine, but she cannot sit around and watch as the light drains from her eyes. Frankie woke up today, after being almost radio silent for five days, to texts from Jasmine. Ones she responded one-word answers to, and Jasmine forgave her and tried again. She asked her over, she asked if she could spend the night at Frankie’s and every time, Frankie gave her an excuse and Jasmine tried again the next day. Soon, rightfully, Jasmine will stop. Frankie won’t be worth it anymore. This feeling might kill her before that, but she can’t take the risk.
It doesn’t take much. Frankie will be a prick, and five minutes later, they leave. Frankie hasn’t had an episode this bad in so long, but she knows people don’t remember what she was like beforehand. Even a few minutes of her like this is enough for people to forget what they meant to her before, when Frankie knew what it was to be someone people were able to love.
Jasmine looks up as Frankie walks over the rugby pitch, and her eyes go wide. Frankie misses her already. There is a real possibility she won’t make it through the winter without her. It’s not a fear that Frankie actually has, because she doesn’t want to be here anyway, but she doesn’t want it to be something Jasmine has to worry about. If she leaves now, she’ll be overit by then.
“Hi,” Jasmine says, standing up. “Are you okay?” She hasn’t been to Jasmine’s for days. Jasmine has been worried because Frankie disappeared without a trace. It will only get worse. Frankie lost every friend she had the last time, apart from Cam, but it took its toll on her too. All her other friends were furious. They never forgave her, and she doesn’t want to ruin Jasmine’s idea of her like that. Frankie needs to have the courage to let her go.
Still, the break-up monologue Frankie revised on the way over here disappears with the smile Jasmine gives her. She’s glad Frankie is here. It’s—she’s not—God, Frankie isn’t used to feeling anything as deeply as the love she has for her. It’s why she must set her free, or some other quote Ezra would tell her.
“Yeah,” Frankie replies, pulling her lip between her teeth. Jasmine’s arms go around her quickly. Tightly. Like she’s been waiting to hug her. Frankie wants to hug her back, but she’s not sure she’ll ever let go. Frankie’s not sure she’ll be around long enough to think about it.
“I missed you,” Jasmine says. “How are you feeling?” She pulls back, her hands against her arms. She doesn’t kiss her, and Frankie knows it’s because she doesn’t want to. She never wanted to. She was only ever doing what Frankie made her think she wanted to do.
“I’m fine,” Frankie replies, and Jasmine frowns slightly.
“You sure? You know you don’t have to come back right away.” But Frankie does. She needs to say goodbye. She needs to end things on a good note. That’s how these things work. If they’re at the top of the league, they won’t be as sad when she goes. It’s her bargain.
“Let’s sit,” Frankie says. Jasmine sits close to her, her hand reaching for hers the moment Frankie leans back. “You’d do anything for me.” Frankie knows it to be true. She looks straight ahead, but she feels Jasmine watching her. It’s not fair, because Frankie’s tricking her, but she’ll be happier in the long run.
Jasmine frowns, her eyes rapidly moving across her face. “No.”
Oh.
“What?”
She shakes her head. “Frankie,” she says, her voice low. “Don’t.” Jasmine rolls her lips, her fingers tightening against the chair like she’s waiting for something.
“I love you,” Jasmine says. Her eyes are hopeful, like Frankie has any ability to let that mean anything to her right now. Or maybe ever again. She never wanted to hurt Jasmine, but she knew right at the start that it would end like this. “I love you. Just… go home. I’ll send Ezra, okay?”
