Page 86 of Summer Breakdown
“Yeah?” Mali asks. “I’m sleepy too.”
Lani rests her head against Mali’s arm. She’s so cute with her curls out and her yellow sweatshirt.
“Do you want to hug?” Lani asks.
Mali’s bottom lip pops out. “Yeah?”
“Yeah, but I might be heavy. Mama said it was okay if you said yes.”
Mali laughs but it comes out watery. “You’re not heavy, and I do say yes.”
“Mal, are you alright?” Frankie asks.
She sniffs. “It’s so silly. I’m on my period, and I thought Lani didn’t like me.”
“What?” Jasmine asks with a frown. Zach’s brows furrow a little, but then he gets his phone out to take photos. Jasmine knows Mali will have been genuinely upset, and Zach probably let her fall asleep on him on the sofa while he told her exactly why Lani did like her. Marcel goes over after school sometimes, but that’s usually to see Zach.
Mali wipes her eyes and then lifts Lani into her lap. “It’s stupid because I only want her to touch whoever she wants, but she wanted to hug everyone but me and then I spiralled thinking that kids hate me.”
“I like you loads,” Lani replies with her eyes wide. Jasmine knows she’s going to ask Frankie to draw something for Lani to colour to give it to Mali. And maybe Jasmine wants something too. “You have a fairy hair and you’re so nice.”
Mali sniffs and Jasmine smiles. “Yeah?”
“Mm-hmm,” Lani replies moving until her legs are either side of Mali’s body. “You’re just only one apple tall, and I’m one apple tall. So what if I was too heavy?”
“Oh, you’re so cute,” Mali says, wiping her eyes again.
Lani rests against her. “You can cry if you want. I cried earlier.”
“You did?” Jasmine didn’t forget that she was sad, she just hoped this evening was enough that she didn’t think about it. But her dad not being there for her is something she’s fully aware of at four, and it breaks her heart. Lani won’t remember it when she’s older, but right now, it’s the end of the world.
Lani wraps a pink curl around her finger, her voice quiet. “Daddy didn’t want to have me overnight.” Jasmine’s chestcracks open so fast that it’s a wonder her insides aren’t staining the limestone tiles. Frankie looks so sad. She might put a hit out on him. Ezra would do it. Every person here would fight for the opportunity to look after Lani and Marcel – but it wouldn’t matter who they were. She wants her father. Marcel looks down at the table but it’s not his fault. He stopped wanting to go to his dads months ago, but he still packs a bag to go with Lani anyway. He still takes her in the pool to distract her from Mike not showing up.
“That’s not true,” Mali replies. “Sometimes adults get busy. Everyone wants to hang out with you.”
Lani smiles as she looks up at her. “But Mama is never too busy.”
Jasmine smiles. It’s not something she wanted Lani to ever figure out. Sometimes, Marcel gets her flowers on Father’s Day, and he writes that she’s his only emergency contact at school. But she wanted Lani to have longer with two parents. She wants her to know that parents are busy, but Jasmine arranges her life around her children like parents are supposed to do. Lani shouldn’t have figured this out until she was older. It’s like a rite of passage to find out one parent did the heavy lifting and then feeling guilty over not realising it before. Lani should be thinking about what book to read at bedtime and what she wants as a snack tomorrow and if they can get in the pool. Not that Mike isn’t able to just put her first.
“Is that because she wants to hang out with me most?” Lani asks. Jasmine rests her elbow on the table, her chin in her hand. She catches Frankie smiling at her in her peripheral vision. She’s probably going to draw her overnight and never show Jasmine because she’s rude.
“The most!” Mali replies. “That’s cool, isn’t it?”
“Yeah,” Lani whispers, leaning against her again. “I want that all the time.”
“That would be nice,” Mali says quietly, stroking the back of her head. Lani has tried her best, but she’s wiped out.
“Yeah,” she mutters, her eyes closing. “Mama, Marc and Frankie.” Jasmine’s heart thumps at the casualness that Lani uses to include her.
“We could just steal her,” Mali whispers to Zach. “Marcel can fit in the boot.”
Jasmine throws a crumpled post-it note at her.
Jasmine leans against the doorframe, her curls illuminated by the porch light. She truly could be on a museum wall and not look out of place. Frankie knows she should leave, but she doesn’t want to. She wants to know what pyjamas Jasmine will wear to bed tonight. She wants to know if she finished her book. She wants to know her inside and out.
There’s a terrifying thought circling her brain that she might want to be known that well too. Jasmine keeps talking to her, and she wants to know how long they can drag a conversation about nothing out for.
“Tell me something,” Jasmine requests. They’d been looking at each other for a beat, and Frankie felt surface-level nerves, but it didn’t feel like her life would end. Jasmine makes her feel like she can share her fears. Like they wouldn’t be the end of her here.
