Page 39 of His Secretary's Nine-Month Notice
He liked her and she was his responsibility and, whilst that combination had initially propelled him into that rash marriage proposal, things had changed. He had backed away from that drastic suggestion and now saw things the way she had. Standing back at a distance, he had doubtless come to appreciate that they could have a perfectly amicable relationship without him committing to putting a ring on her finger.
Maybe, just maybe, he had even begun casting his net out there. Maybe, just maybe, he had realised that he could have her as a friend and carry on with his Lothario ways. How many men didn’t want to have their cake and eat it? Bit by bit, she had thawed and pushed past her inherent fears that he wouldn’t turn out to be the dependable guy she needed, that hecouldn’tbe that person. Had she made a terrible mistake?
‘What are you doing?’ she asked, dismayed, as he swung off the main road, heading down a side street signposting a village, a place she had never heard of.
‘We need to talk and I don’t want to talk in the car. I can’t focus on the road and the conversation we have to have.’
‘Then let’s wait until we’re back in London.’ Violet was only now appreciating just how much she had come to rely on him and just how far she had taken it for granted that he would be thrilled were she to give ground and do what he had wanted her to do when she had first broken the news of her pregnancy. Mistakes and misjudgements all round, it would seem.
Matt didn’t answer. He seemed to know this part of the world well, considering his visits to his parents were confined to four times a year, but then he would have grown up in these parts, maybe wanting to escape the claustrophobia of his ancestral home as soon as he was old enough to do so.
Very quickly, they pulled up to a brightly lit pub. The car park was full but they managed to squeeze into a space and then, without exchanging conversation, they headed inside, where he was greeted by the landlord like an old buddy.
They found a bench seat at the back by one of only the few tables. It was a little after ten but the place was still busy.
Matt went up to the bar and returned with two drinks, something alcoholic for him and a glass of elderflower for her.
‘It’s late,’ he said gruffly. ‘There are nice rooms upstairs. I’ve booked us in for the night.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I want a drink, and I don’t do drinking and driving. Now that you’ve met my parents, Violet, you can maybe see...why my approach to relationships is somewhat, shall we say, different to yours. You long for stability. You’ve lived your life pursuing the dream of finding the perfect partner and settling down.’ He took one long mouthful of whisky and sat back to look at her. ‘I, Violet, have not.’
‘No,’ Violet said quietly. ‘I get that now.’
‘Tell me what you get.’
‘You never felt loved, at least not loved in the way most people acknowledge it—nothing verbal, nothing tactile,’ she ventured tentatively. ‘And if someone has never felt loved, then how do they know how to love? You’ve never done long-term relationships because you’ve never seen the point of them. In your world, there’s no such thing as love, so why would you encourage any woman to look in that direction if you know that you can’t deliver. Am I right?’
She thought of his parents, their oppressive lack of emotion. She thought of the hopes she had nurtured of him loving her the way she loved him. Those hopes were slowly evaporating like mist on a hot summer morning. ‘You’ve had time to think things through and you’ve realised that you can’t settle down to any kind of relationship with me, even though you probably wish you could, because like you said, you have dreams of being a full-time father.’
Violet forced herself to smile. It made her face ache. ‘Of course, you’re right, and I don’t know what I was thinking when I said that I was prepared to give things a go. It’s all working perfectly well between us as it stands! I’m more or less back on my feet as well, so I should be out of your hair very soon.’
He was frowning and Violet banked down a surge of impatience. Was she being obtuse? She didn’t think so!
‘What makes you think that I’m no longer interested in marrying you?’
‘B-because...!’ Violet spluttered. ‘Because I cantell.’
‘Really? How?’
‘You act as though I’ve suddenly become a stranger,’ she muttered under her breath, hating him for directing the conversation down this uncomfortable road.
‘How do you want me to act?’
‘This is a ridiculous conversation,’ Violet said sharply. ‘I know the lie of the land, Matt. That’s the main thing.’
‘I’ve been distant because I didn’t want you to get any unrealistic ideas, should we embark on a full-time relationship.’
‘What are you talking about?’ Her voice had cooled and her brown eyes were wary and remote.
‘Things felt...comfortable, Violet. The way we slipped into a routine.’ He lowered his gaze, very much aware that he, too, had become disturbingly accustomed to the routine they had established.
‘And you thought that, because there was some kind of routine, I might start pining over what was never going to be on the table.’
‘I’m not a man who knows how to love. It’s the way I’m built. Can you live with that?’
Violet shrugged but inside something had broken. Could she live with this guy, knowing that he would never love her the way she wanted him to? He was nothing if not honest and he was giving her an opt-out clause. She thought of him moving on and felt faint.
