Page 47 of Never Again
Carmen staredup at the ceiling in her old bedroom at her parents’ house, having sought refuge here upon her return to Toronto a few days ago. She hadn’t seen her father because he was out of town. She wasn’t sure what she would say to him when he did arrive because she’d been so ugly to him and so rude during their last face-to-face conversation, when he truly had only been trying to protect her. She’d called him a liar, but in reality, he knew Carlos’s true character.
A knock sounded on the door, and she rolled her head to the side and called, “Come in.”
Her mother walked in with a steaming cup and a sympathetic expression on her face. Carmen sat up against the pillows and accepted the chamomile tea.
Graciela sat on the side of the bed and watched as Carmen took a sip and then rested the cup and saucer on the bedside table.
“How are you feeling,mija?” she asked.
“The same.” Carmen shrugged.
She might never return to the optimistic, easy-going person she used to be. She was disillusioned, hurt, and saddened not only by Carlos’s decision, but also by her own inability to see him for who he really was. Was she so blinded by the romanticism of falling in love and her parents’ example of a happy marriage that she had been willing to accept anything? Willing to turn a blind eye to Carlos’s true character? Even now, she couldn’t remember a moment in their relationship—past or present—when he had ever treated her less than respectfully or lovingly. He was simply that good at faking his feelings for her. Sadly, she had been right all along. She loved him more than he loved her. In fact, he’d clearly never loved her at all.
“I’m so sorry,” Graciela said.
“I’ll be fine…eventually.”
Carmen knew from experience that this feeling of loss would not easily disappear. She should have listened to Natalie—managed her expectations and taken things slow.
She had left Atlanta, a city where the metropolitan area included millions of inhabitants, because it had not been big enough for her to avoid thoughts of Carlos. Particularly since he had been so relentless in trying to reach her, going so far as to come to Natalie’s apartment the same day that she had confronted him about the money.
In her heart of hearts, she still wanted a future with him. Now that the anger had passed, longing had taken its place. Maybe there was something wrong with her, but she’d always been the type who loved hard.
She still felt Carlos everywhere. So ridding him from her mind would be difficult. She couldn’t face going home yet because he had spent time at her apartment, and the memories of them laughing together and making love tormented her too much. He had left a mark in every aspect of her life, simply by being.
“You should not be going through this. Your father loves you and wants the best for you, and usually I don’t interfere in his decisions. But if I had known what he planned to do, I would have stopped him. I see how much this hurts you, and it’s not right. He was wrong for what he did.”
“No, actually, he was right. No matter how much I hate what he did, in his own twisted way, he proved what he had been saying all along about Carlos. He only cared about the money and what he could financially get out of our relationship. As soon as Daddy offered him money, he disappeared. He left the country to pursue his dreams and live a life without me in it. He didn’t care aboutme.” Her voice cracked at the end.
“I don’t believe that,” Graciela said.
A tear slipped from the corner of Carmen’s eye and slid down the side of her nose. Angrily, she wiped it away. She had thought she was done crying, but it seemed the tears would never end.
Graciela took her hand. “You might not be ready to hear these words yet, but I saw how Carlos looked at you. He looked at you the way Alfred used to and still looks at me—with nothing but love and adoration in his eyes. He made the wrong decision, yes, but I don’t doubt that he loved you. I believe the decision to accept the money was an act of desperation.”
Her mother was correct—she wasn’t in the right frame of mind to listen to an argument in favor of Carlos. Not with such fresh, deep wounds. Not when he’d had every opportunity to tell the truth but had chosen not to.
“You and Carlos belong together,” her mother said quietly. “Go be with your young man. I’ll deal with your father.” Her last sentence held a steely note.
Carmen shook her head. She looked at her mother, grateful for the words she spoke but knowing they made no difference. “I can’t go to him. I don’t believe in him anymore.”
He had broken her heart twice, and she would not give him the opportunity to do so a third time.
“Thanks for seeing me.”Carlos entered Rashad’s office.
The flamboyant financial planner wore a purple suit today and the usual diamond earrings in his ears. By the way he eyed Carlos, he probably looked like a big mess, the way he felt.
Carlos hadn’t shaved in days and had barely slept during that same period. Yesterday, after two weeks, he finally gave up calling and texting Carmen. She hadn’t responded to any of his messages—verbal or written—or to the flowers he’d sent, and she’d blocked his number.
“Not a problem. You didn’t sound good, so I knew the situation was serious. Besides, I meant what I said when I told you that you could come to me if you ever needed someone to talk to.” The chair squeaked as Rashad laid his arms on the rests and leaned back, waiting for Carlos to proceed.
Carlos dropped onto the chair opposite Rashad, weary with the burden of his thoughts and the inability to fix the mess his relationship with Carmen had become. He couldn’t accept that it was over.
He launched into an explanation of their meeting and courtship, as well as their break-up three years go. Shamefaced, he explained about the money he’d accepted from Alfred, recounted the argument in his apartment that made Carmen leave, and ended with the torture of no contact the past two weeks. When he finished, he sat quietly and waited.
Rashad had listened as he talked, nodding every now and again but overall not revealing any emotion or judgment in his expressions.
“Well, now I understand why you wanted the money from your retirement account so badly.”
