Page 30 of The Chad Next Door
Running his hands through my hair, Chad laughs a little. “I’m starting to think you like me being bossy. Not what I expected from you.”
“It’s the weirdest thing.”
“What scares you, Hope?”
The question is so out of the blue that I lift my head so I can see him. “What?”
He tucks my hair behind my ear. “Micah is afraid of being alone. I think Zelda is afraid of being forgotten. What are you afraid of? It’s clearly not being told what to do.”
Everything that comes to mind is something stupid, like spiders and jellyfish, and that’s probably not what he’s looking for. I still don’t know what sparked his question, but I take a moment to really think about it. If he wants to know what scares me so he can protect me from it, so much the better. And maybe he’ll trust me with his own fears if I let him in to mine.
Resting my head back on his chest, I take a deep breath and try to decide if I’m ready to admit this out loud. “I was in the middle of my last semester of my master’s program when Bailey died. I was going to be an astronomer. Study the stars and find new planets. But then I got the call in the middle of class, and at first I thought someone was pranking me when they said I was the person listed as the appointed guardian for Link and Zelda. It’s not like I have my life together or anything, and my entire adult life has been focused on school. But Bailey trusted me, out of everyone, to take care of her kids, and I don’t want to let her down.”
“But?” Chad brushes his palm against my cheek.
“Does this mean everything I was working toward is going to be for nothing? Maybe I can finish my classes online while the kids are in school, but I don’t want to be an absent parent and so focused on that instead of on them, especially right now. And then what? Then I have to get a Ph.D. And after that? It’s not like I can get a fellowship as a single mom and move them across the country every time I have to chase an opportunity. I love those kids too much to do that to them. So is this it? Am I going to spend the rest of my life a few feet from the finish line, watching my dreams slip away until it’s too late?”
I’m crying again, and I hate that I sound so pitiful and selfish. “I’m a parent now. That means I have to put the kids first. I know that. But that’s what I’m scared of. I’m scared I’m going to lose myself in them and never find me again.”
Chad shifts beneath me, propping himself up against a pillow and then lifting my chin so I have to look at him again. There’s nothing but sympathy in his eyes as he brushes his thumbs against my cheeks to dry my tears. “I always wanted to be a teacher,” he says, eyebrows furrowing. “But when my mom got sick and died, the courts sent us to stay with my dad even though he was too far gone to take care of us. I had to get a job to make sure the twins had dinner, and I ended up dropping out of high school so I could work more. I still don’t have my diploma. But even if I had the chance to go back and do things differently, I wouldn’t do it. I made a choice to make sure Houston and Brooklyn had good lives, and they were happy. Most of the time. I would never trade their happiness just for a chance to have my own.”
I sniff. “That’s really depressing, Chad.”
Laughing, he brushes my tears away again. The way he’s looking at me sends a shiver through me, and I’m so glad for the warmth of his body beneath mine. “I know. Being a parent is the hardest thing in the world, but it’s the most rewarding too. You have to find the balance between the bad and the good and choose which direction you’re going to look. Are you going to focus on the hard days that leave you feeling like a failure, or are you going to look back at all the amazing little moments that make it all worth it?”
Where did this man come from? It’s like he appeared out of nowhere, a manifestation of the perfect person to protect me from all my insecurities before my new life swallows me whole. He’s watching me just as closely as I watch him, his blue eyes pulling me in, and I’m not sure he’s even breathing. We’re suspended in time unless one of us breaks the stillness.
I’m more than happy to be that someone.
“I’m a big fan of little moments,” I say, and then I press my lips to his.
At first, I wonder if I overstepped because he doesn’t move. But then his fingertips find my forehead, my temple, slide into my hair and pull me closer. The pressure of his mouth changes, growing harder as his kisses become hungrier. He sits up, hands moving to my waist and tugging me as close as he can get me without once interrupting the way his lips find mine again and again like he needs to test every little point of contact to see if it feels different than the last. For me it does. Each kiss is a new step down a path I am desperate to explore, each new taste another answer to a question I didn’t know I had.
I knew his sense of control would make for a good kiss, but this is beyond anything I could have imagined. The manreallyknows what he’s doing.
Chad tucks his fingers around the base of my skull, tilting my head and deepening the kiss, and my whole body responds to him, eager to get as much as I can. I run my fingers through his hair and down to his broad shoulders, overloaded with all sorts of feelings as his kiss takes over my senses. I’ve got nothing but time to explore, and I intend to be thorough.
Suddenly he stops, his body tense beneath my hands and his eyes shut tight. “Hope,” he whispers against my mouth, and it’s almost a groan.
I grin, even if he can’t see it. How is he this good of a guy and still single? Has no one ever thought to lock him down? Still, I kind of hate that he’s being the adult right now. “I know,” I grumble. “It’s my bedtime.”
He finally looks at me, his eyebrows low and his eyes pained. “You have no idea how much I want you to stay,” he says as he tucks some hair behind my ear. He means it. “But this isn’t just about us.”
“I have Link and Zelda to think about.”
He nods. “And my siblings need me. I know it’s not the same as—”
I cover his mouth with my hand, which seems to shut him up more out of surprise than an actual inability to speak through my palm. “Your brother and sisters are just as important to you as my niece and nephew are to me. Just because they’re adults, it doesn’t make them any less deserving of love and concern. And I love how much you care about them. They’re so lucky to have someone like you looking out for them.”
A tear slips from his eye and lands on my fingers, catching me by surprise. I’ve expected a lot of things from Chad, but this? He reaches for my hand and carefully kisses the tear away. He kisses my palm. My wrist. Then he finds my mouth again, this time giving me the gentlest kiss I’ve ever received. It’s a whole different kind of intimacy from the last kiss, everything about it full of meaning and intention. A shiver runs through me at the way he touches me so carefully, and I know I will never be the same after this.
This man just let me into his heart, and I’m pretty sure not many people have been given that honor.
He picks me up, and it’s like I weigh nothing as he carries me to his bedroom without shifting his gaze away from mine. His eyes say so much in the darkness, and even if I don’t know exactly what he’s saying, I feel every bit of it in my chest, like he’s buoying up my soul with each second of eye contact. As he places me on top of the bed, he presses his lips to my forehead, yet again completely melting me with that gesture. I had no idea such an innocent touch could be so affecting before I met Chad.
I don’t want him to go—my hand grabs his before he can step away—but I know he needs to. Letting him leave feels symbolic of something and has nerves building in my belly. Maybe it’s the storm. Or the kids. Whatever it is, I wish he could stay with me and hold me until I fall asleep. I don’t want to have to say goodbye to this man.
“I’ll be right down the hall,” he murmurs, bending to kiss my forehead again.
