Page 56 of The Chad Next Door
That thought is terrifying, but I know it’s a possibility with the way I left.
Phoebe hugs me again. “Of course. You’ve been through some awful few weeks, and I can take them however long you need.”
Some of the weeks have been awful, yes, but not all of them. The last week with Chad was one of the best of my life.
Tucking the blanket tighter around myself, I take a slow breath, hoping it cleanses some of the stress I’ve been feeling. Chad was pretty good at making me forget all my worries, or at least feel like I could handle them, and I am missing his strong, quiet presence more than ever.
“Do you have any ice cream?” I ask.
Phoebe blinks at me, apparently caught off guard by that question, but then she smiles. “I’m sure I do. I’ll go lock up the house and meet you in the kitchen.”
I’ve already served myself a bowl of Rocky Road when movement in the doorway catches my eye, but it isn’t my aunt standing there. It’s Zelda, and she looks like she has slept as little as I have. I put her to bed hours ago, but she clearly didn’t fall asleep like I thought.
“Hey, sweetie.” I gesture for her to come sit next to me. “Do you want some ice cream?”
Once settled, she stares at the bowl with her big eyes full of fear. Why fear? “Is something wrong?” she asks.
“What? No. Everything is fine. Why?”
She clearly doesn’t believe me, but she still steals my spoon and takes a bite. “Because Mom only let us have ice cream when she had bad news.”
She said something similar when we went to get ice cream before they started school, and it’s just as baffling now as it was then. “That’s the only time?”
Zelda nods and takes another bite. “When are we going to go back to Chad’s house?”
My stomach twists. “Oh, I don’t—”
“I like Chad. He’s funny and nice and really strong.”
Well, it’s good to know I’m not just lovesick and looking at the man through rose-colored glasses. “I like him too,” I tell her and wrap my arm around her shoulders. “Hopefully we can go back soon.” Hopefully he didn’t decide we were too much for him after my overreaction and radio silence. If the Laketown police don’t have my phone…
Suddenly Zelda sniffs, and I turn to her in alarm. I’m not awake enough to deal with tears tonight. “Z, what’s wrong?”
“You and Chad are so fun,” she says, leaning into me. “Mom wasn’t… She was always working. Sometimes I like you more than I liked her. Does that make me a bad person?”
Oh goodness. Tears sprouting in my own eyes, I pull her against me and let her cry into my shoulder as I scramble to find something to say. But what do I say to that? Apparently the Bailey I knew is not the Bailey the kids knew, and I don’t know what to do with that. I don’t think she was ever a bad mom, but I can totally see her getting absorbed in work and staying long hours at the office. I’m sure she told herself all the time that she would go home early the next day, only to get caught up in a new project. Just like the many times she said she would bring the kids to visit me while I was in school but never found the time.
“Just because I’m a really great aunt and super cool, it doesn’t mean you love your mom any less,” I say, trying to go for a bit of humor because that’s the only way I know how to cope. “Your mom was my best friend, and I think she was awesome at a lot of things. She talked about you all the time, you know.”
Zelda wipes her hand across her nose. “She did?”
“All. The. Time. She was so proud of you and Link, and she wanted to give you guys the best lives. Maybe that means she worked a little too much, but I know she loved you with all her heart.”
“I miss her so much.”
“Me too, Z. And it’s okay to miss her. Missing her means you loved her so much and she’s a part of you.”
Wrapping her arms around my neck, Zelda pulls herself into the kind of hug I’ve always wanted from these kids. It’s the sort of hug that speaks of her trust and love and vulnerability, and I hold her as tightly as I can.
There’s so much we’re going to have to work through as time goes on, and I know I can handle it. No matter how difficult it gets. But it would be nice to have someone to help me, to stand by my side and offer support when I need it. And the kids love Chad. I don’t know if they could stand to lose him too.
Which means I’m going to have to do some groveling after being silent for so long. I’m not looking forward to it, but the hole in my heart where Chad should be is just going to get bigger if I put this off. It’s time to go back and pray that the chance I got with Chad won’t be the only one.
October 27
Well, that prayer didn’t work.
Chad’s house is not only empty but looks prepped for winter, things boarded up and protected against the elements. I guess I should have expected that was an option, especially when I finally turn on my phone after charging it in the car after picking it up from the Laketown sheriff’s office. Chad called me four times, spread out over Friday and Saturday, so I can’t blame him for thinking things might be over. But it’s only been two days since I left!
