Page 42 of Dumbstruck
“I think you’re doing too much for a guy you claim you don’t have feelings—”
“He’s my best friend, Jonah.” June bunches her hands into fists, shaking her head as she looks up at me. “If I didn’t deliver his groceries every week, he would spend his entire life without human contact, and I hate that for him because he went through something horrible before coming here and the guy needs someone who’s willing to put in a little effort so he doesn’t fade into oblivion. Just drop the groceries thing, okay?”
“It’s not about the groceries!” I groan and go to run a hand through my hair, but I can’t because there’s a bald cap in the way. And this alley is smaller than I thought it was, with high walls closing in around us.
June scoffs. “Then what is it about?”
How can she not understand when she just talked about the guy like he’s the best part of her life? “It’s about you being sweet on Hank when he’s not—”
“Not what, Jonah? And who said I was sweet on him? He’s a friend!”
I gesture toward her, pressing my other hand over my racing heart. “You said! And your body language. You obviously like him.”
“Of course I do!”
I groan as a sharp pain hits my chest. It’s different from my usual panic, and I don’t like it. I need to get out of this space. Away from this conversation. “Can we just go—”
“No, we need to talk about this.” June’s glare is almost as sharp as whatever is pinching my ribcage. “Itoldyou Hank is a friend. That’s all he is.”
I huff a laugh. She wouldn’t be this defensive if that was true. And if she’s in love with Hank, where does that leave me? “Sure.”
“If you can’t trust me about this, then what else will you refuse to believe?” Her expression hardens as she stares at me. “At least now I know Jealous Jonah is kind of an ass.”
“I’m not—” I cut myself off, feeling like I’ve been slapped in the face as soon as I process her words.Jealous. Cursing, I take a couple of steps toward the alley entrance, trying to breathe. Is this what jealousy—real jealousy—feels like? I hate it. “June.” I can’t even bring myself to look at her as reality sinks in. “I’m—”
“We should head to the grocery store before it gets too late.”
I grab her arm before she passes, and she stiffens. “June, I’m sorry.” When her stormy eyes jump to my hand, I let go of her arm and take a step back. It’s as much to give her space as it is to gain some space for myself so I can ease some of this tension weighing down my lungs. I need to think clearly, and I can’t do that when I’m stuck in a narrow alley. “I didn’t mean…” What didn’t I mean? I don’t think any of the things I said about Hank were things I’m not feeling; I meant all of it. But I hate the way she’s refusing to look up at me. Humility doesn’t always come easy for me, but if ever there was a time to swallow my pride… I swear under my breath. “You were right. I’m jealous.”
“Good for you.” The words are icy.
I need to explain myself, but I don’t know how. “It’s not… I hate that he’s known you longer than a couple of weeks.”
June looks up, her eyebrows furrowed. “What?”
“I want that.” Those three words slam into me as I speak them. I don’t know if I’ve ever wanted anything more. “June, there’s so much I want to know about you. Things he probably knows.”
“Because he’s myfriend,” she snaps. “Not some random guy for you to tear down because you don’t like the timing of things.”
“That’s not…” I groan again and grip my cane with both hands, as if that might help me feel stable when it feels like the world is shifting beneath my feet. “I’m sorry. Forget what I said. It doesn’t matter how you feel about Hank.” That’s a bald-faced lie, but if she’s holding a torch for the guy, there’s not much I can do. We’re already from two different worlds, which makes this hard enough.
June rolls her eyes. “It feels like it matters.”
“Only because I’m…” Stopping myself from finishing that sentence, I hold my breath as the realization washes over me.Because I’m falling for you. And I’m terrified that this woman is going to break me. I’m not the kind of guy who gets hung up on a woman. I’m married to my job, and most relationships I’ve been in have been casual because I can never trust my partner’s true intentions.
Am I willing to risk heartbreak for a woman who may only be in my life for a few short weeks? With my parents getting older and Mom being as sick as she has been, I’m already having to prepare for loss, and I’m not sure I’m ready to face it on the romantic side of my life on top of my family. I want to trust June, I really do, but it’s not that easy.
This isn’t the kind of thing I can admit. Not right now. But I have to saysomething. My words come out quiet, lacking any of my usual confidence. “There’s something in me telling me I can’t walk away from this—” I gesture between us “—without seeing where it goes.”
Clenching her jaw, June looks out at the street, watching people and cars pass with an expression I can’t read. It sure isn’t a happy one. “I don’t know if it can go anywhere, Jonah.”
Don’t say that. As something in me cracks, I can’t find the will to speak those words out loud.
Desperate to keep her from walking away and ending this here and now, I say the first thing that comes to mind. “What were you saying about Herman before?”
I can practically see the war behind her eyes as her lips press together and her eyebrows pull low. Part of her wants to leave, while the other is still determined to solve the stupid mystery. It’s the second part that wins out. “Herman does most of the grocery deliveries,” she says, her eyes falling to the ground at her feet. “And since I deliver Hank’s stuff, Herman has always kind of hated me because he thinks he’s missing out on a great tip.”
And he might have recognized her just now, which wouldn’t be good for us. Who knows who he might tell about our disguises?
