Page 55 of Jackson
As they stirred their tea and gave it time to cool down, Laura turned to Josh. “Would you like us to arrange a funeral for her?” Laura’s voice was raw with emotion.
A lonely tear worked his way down Josh’s left cheek, and he nodded. “Y-yes, please, Ms. Laura. Would you?” He lifted his chin. “I— I guess I’m her only relative.” He swallowed visibly. “She— She wasn’t a bad person. She really wasn’t.” He looked Paula squarely in the eyes, and she gave him a smile she hoped he found comforting. The kid was way too young to have to handle this kind of heartache. She was so proud of her friends for standing by him and providing a safe, loving home.
“People almost never are, Josh,” James said before Paula could answer. “Sometimes, people make bad decisions or aren’t capable of getting out of a bad situation. We’ll make sure you remember the good times with your mom, and we’ll give you a chance to say goodbye to her properly and in the way you’d like.”
Josh turned his attention from James to Laura. “I don’t know how a funeral is supposed to be. Do you think Pastor Jonathan would do a service for her? I— I know she didn’t go to church, b-but he explains things so well on Sundays and m-maybe God can forgive her, and she can be peaceful and without the pain.” Josh’s tears overflowed, and he sniffled between words. “She was in so much pain, and that was why she used the drugs, you know?”
Laura nodded and handed Josh a tissue. They drank their tea in silence. There wasn’t anything more that needed to be said.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Paula had delivered plenty of bad news in her career, but telling a boy his mother was gone—permanently—had settled like a weight in her chest she couldn’t quite shake. It wasn’t grief, not for the woman herself, but she struggled to muster any respect for a mother who had abandoned her son long before her death. But for Josh? That was a different story.
She hadn’t planned to attend the funeral. Normally, she avoided them. Funerals were for closure, for grieving, and she wasn’t sure this one provided either. But when Saturday morning rolled around, she got dressed, slid into her coat, and headed toward the cemetery anyway. Maybe she owed it to James and Laura. Maybe she wanted to be there for Josh, even if she doubted he’d understand why.
Or maybe—fuck—she didn’t want to be alone.
And wasn’t that something?
Being alone had always been her default, her safe place, but during the past three weeks, her house’s silence had become suffocating. Without Jackson in her life, checking in, pushing her, challenging her, there was nothing but empty space where his presence used to be.
Paula arrived at the cemetery, surprised to see a crowd of more than fifty there. She recognized Laura’s sister Suzie, and her family, of course, as well as a few others from the club, but the rest were a mystery to her. There were some kids about Josh’s age, so maybe his school friends had come.
Pastor Jonathan started the service with a simple invocation and a scripture reading. His eulogy for Jennifer Miller was brief but covered her life before and after drugs. Paula was surprised at all the good things he found to say about a woman she had only considered a negligent, abusive mother, and a drug user. He delivered a message of hope when he spoke of God’s mercy and grace and included Jennifer in God’s promise of resurrection. Then he spoke the words of committal, “earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. May the Lord bless and keep her. May the Lord’s face shine upon her with grace and mercy. May the Lord look upon her with favor and give her peace. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.” Before Paula realized it, the service was over.
She approached Josh, but everyone was doing the same. Suzie stood off to the side, so Paula asked about all the people. Suzie seemed taken aback. “Some are kids from school, but mostly it’s people from church. They come because it’s important to support the living when they say goodbye to the dead. It doesn’t matter that they didn’t know Josh’s mother. Some don’t even know Josh. They come because it’s part of being ‘church.’”
“Wow,” was all Paula could think of to say. At that moment she saw a chance to speak to Josh and tell him again how sorry she was. He looked quite grown up in a suit and shook her hand politely.
“Thank you for coming, Detective. I know I haven’t been exactly friendly to you, but it’s really nice you came today.”
Laura approached and invited Paula to come to the church where they would have a light lunch and reception. “I’m sorry, Laura, but I can’t stay. Work calls.” She left, having gained the impression that Jennifer Miller had gotten a better send-off than most addicts did.
Paula drove back to the PD deep in thought and realized it was a minor miracle she hadn’t caused an accident. She was hell on drivers who weren’t focused on the road and she would likely have pulled herself over had she been on traffic patrol. She parked and went to her cubicle thinking about her own funeral. She didn’t expect her family would show up. Who else was there? It was a sad thought. Laura and Kate maybe. Would Jackson come?
Paula closed her eyes and plopped down on her chair. Why did her mind wander to Jackson? She missed him so much it seemed a physical ache had settled in her chest. She couldn’t understand it. She hadn’t wanted a relationship. She ought to be happy. They had broken up without anyone in the department finding out about them. She would have been considered the guilty party in that equation. Guys always stuck up for each other. Catastrophe averted. Of course, she was the culprit this time. Could that have something to do with her feelings?
The sex had been great, but she’d had plenty of good sex without all the fuss and drama of a relationship. Jackson was amazing between the sheets, though. If she was being honest with herself, sex with Jackson was off-the-charts great. Full marks in the bedroom department.
Was the problem his highhandedness and rules? Paula chewed on that idea. Although he had been overbearing at times, she’d liked it when he’d helped her get her house in order. She would never have come this far without his guidance. She’d found places for all her own things and gotten rid of a lot of stuff she didn’t care about having. Her eating habits had improveddrastically, and with regular exercise she felt more vital than she had at twenty-five. Not all his rules were bad. She missed his texts and their evening chats. It was nice to have someone care how your day had been and what you were doing at night. So, maybe overbearing was wrong, and a better description was interested, committed, and caring.
Damn, had she enjoyed being in a relationship, after all?
Paula rose from her chair and started to pace. Why had she taken off the collar that day? He had punished her. Had she been mad about that? It had been more humiliating than painful. Sure, she’d felt the strokes of his belt, but he hadn’t broken the skin, and the marks had gone quickly, with no lingering discomfort. That wasn’t the problem.
She had been angry at the time and said it was because he he’d been interfering in her work, but was that true? He’d said she had been careless about her safety. Maybe she was really mad at herself? He was right, and she hadn’t wanted to admit it. Even worse, she was pretty sure she would do the same thing again. She had walked out on him and their agreement, not because of something he’d done but because of her own cowardice. She’d been convinced he would find her lacking and discard her like her parents and ex had. She’d needed to beat him to the punch.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Paula wondered why everyone made such a big deal out of wishing people a happy new year. She didn’t see anything happy about it.
She’d spent the night before in front of her television watching a movie she couldn’t now remember while feeling sorry for herself. How could this be? The year before she’d gone out clubbing and had a great night with a guy whose name she’d forgotten the next day, and it had been good.
Why hadn’t she done that last night?
James and Laura had invited her to join them at Club Indigo, but she’d turned them down for the same reason she’d stayed home—Jackson Cagney.
She couldn’t go to the club because he might be there.
