Page 13 of Hidden
“Talk me through it,” Sofia said, offering her voice as a guiding beacon.
Fatigue washed through Ellie. She’d been holding this in for so long that the toll of releasing it swept through her body like a tsunami, leaving her battered and exhausted. But she’d come to Sofia’s for a reason. She might not have known why she’d chosen to come yesterday or what had driven her to flee LA in that moment. But being with her best friend was the safest place she could be. And even if her mind hadn’t known it yesterday, her subconscious, her heart, had.
“It started with little things, like forgetting appointments. At first, I was just late to them. I’d forget until my notification alerted me, and by then I couldn’t get there on time. Then over the past few months, I’ve started missing them altogether. They are on my calendar. I can see them there when someone calls to ask where I am or why I didn’t show up to something. And poor Harry, he’s added dozens of things to my schedule that I’ve missed.” She paused and forced a breath before adding, “But until someone asks or Harry mentions it, I don’t remember ever even seeing the appointments. But they’re there, so I must have at some point, right?”
She couldn’t look at Sofia. Not yet. Not until she was done. Not until she emptied herself of the burdens. Those that she remembered.
A tree swayed in the breeze and snow cascaded down from the branches, landing in Sofia’s yard in a poof of white. Fixing her gaze on the snow and ice floating through the air, she continued. “Then it turned into forgetting what I’d told people. Not the kind of forgetfulness when you tell the same story more than once. It was things like telling someone I’d bring wine to a dinner party, and then I’d ask Ricardo to prepare an appetizer instead, convinced that’s what I’d said I’d bring. And I’ve gone to the wrong restaurant to meet someone a half a dozen times in the last two months.”
She paused again and noticed her breath coming in halting, ragged bursts. She’d told Sofia she was terrified, but that didn’t even begin to cover how she truly felt. Most of her anxiety came from feeling so out of control and panicked that she’d hurt herself, or someone else. Paranoia about doing something then having no recollection of it took up the rest of her emotional bandwidth. By nature, she wasn’t a reckless person. She never had been. But in the last six months, she’d felt increasingly more and more wild. She was turning into someone, something, she didn’t know or recognize. And even more horrifying was the fact that she had no clue what had brought it all on.
“But that’s not all,” she continued, her voice hoarse with fear as she readied herself to tell Sofia the rest. Her friend stroked her hand but said nothing. When she had her breathing under control, Ellie spoke. “I have…episodes. Or that’s what I call them. I don’t know what causes them, or, for that matter, why they stop. But…but when I’m in one, the world is a terrible place, Sof,” she said, her voice shaking. “Everything is hopeless, and I can’t seem to think about anything other than how doomed we are. How doomed I am. There’s no point in living, and the only thing I want to do is curl into a ball and make it all go away…”
“Ellie.”
The concern in Sofia’s voice broke Ellie’s heart. She’d just asked her friend to carry a huge burden. But Ellie could no longer carry it on her own. She was too afraid of what might happen if she tried for much longer.
She dragged her gaze from the snowy wonderland outside and met her friend’s. Compassion and pain shone in Sofia’s eyes.
“Yesterday…I was reading through a script and the next thing I know, I could barely breathe. I had to get out. I felt like bugs were crawling all over my skin and I had to get away. I had to leave to save myself. And so I threw everything in the car and started driving.”
“Oh, honey.”
As grateful as she was for Sofia, Ellie had to tune her out if she wanted to finish the rest of her story.
“The farther I got away from LA, the easier it was to breathe,” she continued, her gaze once again lingering outside. “Within a few hours, I felt almost like myself again. I mean, I still didn’t know why I needed to bolt, but my mind felt clear, and I felt like myself. But then…”
“The accident,” Sofia said. And for the first time, Ellie heard the same fear in Sofia’s voice that she felt every day.
Ellie gave a jerky nod. “It started to happen again. Not long before the spinout. Everything was too overwhelming. There was this pressure in my head. Like a balloon blowing up in my skull. And I just wanted it to explode so the pain, and anguish, would go away. I just wanted it all to go away.” She didn’t need to say what she planned to say next. Sofia knew her well enough to know the next line of the story. But she wanted to say it. For herself.
“Honestly, Sofia, I don’t want to die. I love the work I do. I love my life and the people I get to share it with. But in that moment, in that moment when my tires started to lose their grip and the car started to spin, a little part of me wondered if I’d done it on purpose. If I’d really hoped to end it all.”
CHAPTER FIVE
Ellie couldn’t look at Sofia after her confession. Instead, she fixed her gaze on theunrelenting landscape, taking solace in the barrenness of winter. For a few minutes, they simply sat, Sofia’s hand covering hers, the silence settling around them. Ellie appreciated her friend’s restraint in responding. What she’d admitted was huge and uncomfortable. And delicate and fragile.
“Can I ask you a few questions?” Sofia asked.
Ellie cast her a wan look. “I’m sure you have more than a few. I know I do.”
A smile flickered across Sofia’s face before it fell away. “That’s why you came here,” she said, her voice strong and clear, brokering no argument. “You want help, and you trust me to do my best and give that to you.” She paused and seemed to expect an answer, so Ellie nodded. “But you’ve been living with this for a while,” Sofia continued. “And I’ve only just learned of it. I want to be sure that you’re okay with me asking the many questions I have. It’s important you know that I’m not doubting you or anything you’ve done or not done. I just need to know the answers. If you have them.”
A weight lifted from her heart as Ellie studied her friend. Who would have thought all those years ago when they’d met—both part of a theater production at college—that they’d end up here? Not “here” in terms of her mental health issues, but “here” in their friendship. Sofia was her sister. Other than her father, there was no one she trusted more.
“Please, Sof. I need your help.”
Sofia’s hand tightened over hers then she released her. “I’m not sure either of us is going to eat much right now, but let’s take our coffee and sit in front of the fire.”
They settled on the couch, one at each end. Once their legs were situated across the cushions, Sofia tossed a throw blanket over the both of them. Ellie wasn’t looking forward to the coming questions. But if they could help, if they could bring some clarity to the muddle of her life, she’d open as many veins as needed.
“When did this start?” Sofia asked.
Ellie wrapped her hands around her mug. “I first noticed it about six months ago.”
“And what was going on in your life then?”
Ellie thought back. “It was early August and I’d just finished shooting that film in Victoria, British Columbia. You know the one they still don’t have a title for but is coming out this summer?”
