Page 27 of Ruthless Alpha
“I can’t,” I cried, letting my arms fall down to my sides, the sword’s tip hitting the ground beside me. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Xander wince.
“Of course you can’t,” Eve said, as if she’d been expecting me to fail. “You’ve been repressing your magic for over a decade. Keep practicing, though, alright? Keep looking inside yourself, and you’ll find the right thread to pull.”
I wasn’t sure I believed her, but I tried again. Nothing. Frustrated, I pushed deeper, trying to findsomethinginside methat felt like magic. Sometimes, I thought I’d brushed up against it, but every time I did, my stomach flipped and I suddenly felt nauseous.
It felt like hours I stood in that basement, with Eve murmuring gentle encouragement and Xander standing over us, brooding and concentrated. Maybe it was, or maybe it was only a few minutes before Xander said,
“I think she’s had enough for today.” I wanted to argue with him, but my arms felt like lead from holding the sword up. My head hurt, my legs felt like jelly, and my stomach was in knots. Luckily, Eve seemed to agree, and she only gave me another encouraging smile, promising that she would be on the island for the next few weeks if I needed any more guidance.
I didn’t know how to thank her, so I only nodded. It wasn’t even close to adequate, but I was so drained and overwhelmed that I feared I might cry if I tried to speak. I let Xander escort her out while I dragged myself into the kitchen, collapsing into one of the dining chairs. I wouldn’t have the energy to make dinner this evening, but the sparks of terror that crackled through my body at the thought were only a reflex: I knew Xander would understand, knew he wouldn’t mind taking care of me.
Sure enough, when he appeared in the doorway, Xander only looked concerned.
“How are you feeling?”
I felt like I’d been hit by a truck, like I’d run a hundred miles, like I was looking into the face of the monster who’d lived under my bed as a child. More than anything, though, I was surprised that I felt disappointed.
“I know it’s only my first try, but I didn’t—I didn’t feel anything at all,” I confessed. “I don’t even know if I want to.The stuff she said about how power is just like my wolf—it made sense, but I can’t really—I can’t make my body believe it.”
Xander said nothing for a little while, his strong brows drawn together in thought. When he finally spoke, his voice was low, as if he were sharing a secret.
“When I was stepping up to be Alpha, I was scared of the power I had,” he said. “I’d spent my whole life watching my Dad use his authority to encourage the culture we have now, and I knew if I wanted to step into his shoes—if I wanted to live—I was going to have to be just as strong as he was, but I didn’t want to have to be strong the same way. I’ve mostly just gotten used to it now, and I still don’t always like it, but I’ve been able to use that power for good things, too. I’ve helped my friends when they needed it, and I know it doesn’t feel like it, but things have gotten better for females here.”
I believed him. As brutal as this island was, the females I’d met in the laundry didn’t seem afraid of him—he might even have been the only male on the island they weren’t afraid of. It had never occurred to me that he hadn’t simply taken the mantle of Alpha as something he was owed, something that had always belonged to him. Seeing him now, I could hardly believe it, but Xander wasn’t the kind of person who would lie just to make me feel better. I loved that about him. I loved many things about him.
“I know I didn’t really have time to come to terms with the power I had,” he continued, “but you can take your time now. Keep trying, but don’t stress yourself out over it, okay? It’ll come when it comes. When you’re ready for it.”
His words loosened a few of the knots inside me. If he could seem so at ease with his power now, maybe I could feel that way about my own one day, when I was ready.
“Thanks,” I whispered.
Xander hovered in the doorway, as if wondering whether to approach me or to stay where he was. I found that I desperately wanted him closer. I wanted to feel his strong hands anchoring me, and breathe in his lovely woodsmoke scent.
He didn’t approach me, though, only smiled and said,
“Any time.”
Chapter 13 - Xander
I should have known things were going too well. Even if Rosie hadn’t made a whole lot of progress on channeling her magic, she was still willing to try, willing to talk to Eve about it, which was more than I’d expected from her. She’d grown much easier around me, too; the pair of us joked over dinner in the evening, and she’d stopped looking at me out of the corner of her eye as if waiting for me to attack.
I did still catch her staring wistfully out of windows, but she hadn’t asked to go home or made a fuss in recent days, and that was an improvement. Sure, maybe I couldn’t stop thinking about the insistent heat of her lips, or the soft give of her hips beneath my fingers, but I would get over that eventually. I had to. Not least because it was distracting me during training, and during important development meetings with Jace, who had just asked me a question:
“Did you hear a word I just said?”
We’d been talking about Noah. About the wife his father had forced on him, and the two-year-old we’d never met.
“Sure. You wanted to see if Cunic would let us visit. It’s a good idea.”
“I did say that,” Jace confirmed, not giving me any time to feel smug before he continued, “twenty minutes ago. Just now, I said that we need material with less friction on the expanding straps.”
“Right. Sorry. I was just—”
“Thinking about Rosie,” he finished for me.
“I’m notalwaysthinking about Rosie.” It was the truth, but only just.
“You had your Thinking About Rosie face on,” Jace informed me, as if this wasn’t a patently ridiculous thing to say. “It looks like this.”
