Page 20 of Sins of the Flesh
The Church itself seems to reflect our new reality.The physical space is improving, Cole's skilled hands repairing, restoring, renewing.But the atmosphere has changed.The easy warmth that once filled these old rooms has been replaced by a careful politeness, a distance that feels almost tangible.
I eat lunch alone now, in my office, the silence broken only by the ticking of the wall clock and the occasional distant sound of Cole's work.Sometimes I stare out the window, and wonder how something so good went so wrong and why we can't go back.
August arrives with a heatwave that blankets Baylee in sticky, oppressive warmth.Today marks two months since that day in the hallway.Two months of polite nods and one-word answers.Two months of watching Cole slip further away while I stand by helplessly, missing the best friend I’ve ever had.
Twelve
Cole
I Just Want to Disappear - MiyaVi Amore
I
push the front door open with my shoulder, the weight of it feeling heavier than usual, like everything else these days.The house greets me with familiar silence, a silence that doesn't judge me for slinking home in the middle of another workday.
I exhale, letting my body sag against the wall for just a moment.Two months.It's been two months since I ruined everything, since I misread kindness for something more.Since I mistook that look in Caleb's eyes, a look I can't seem to scrub from my memory no matter how hard I try.
For two months, we’ve fallen into a dance of avoidance.Today, like most days before, it was not much different.
SCANNING THE LOT I grab my tool bag and swiftly walk towards the front entrance of the Church.Just as I am about to clear the shrub, Caleb’s voice rings out and I halt.Back stepping to keep myself hidden behind the tall bush beside the Church stairs.
“Thank you Madam Mayor, your contributions are always so generous.”Caleb says.
“Caleb supporting such a strong representation of our community is a privilege.”The Mayor croons.The remainder of their conversation is muffled and after a few minutes I hear the clacking of her footsteps as she descends the stairs and I tuck myself deeper into the bush, holding my breath for a few beats.
When her car is out of sight I go to round the shrub looking in the direction of the car.“Cole?”Caleb says startling me and I jump in the air like a cat encountering a cucumber.He goes to reach out his hand and I step back holding my tool bag in front of me as if it might protect me.
“Um, gotta get to work.”I say quickly stepping past him as he calls my name from behind me.Slipping in through the front doors I don't stop until I reach my work bench and let out a huge breath I didn't know I was holding.
Even this morning that look was still in his eyes, the one that's full of pity and sadness.He didn't even smile, at first after the kiss he smiled but it slowly transformed into a careful line instead of a smile.
I pull out my project plan to see what I am supposed to work on today.The breakroom bathroom nope that's off the table, next.Patch holes and paint the fellowship hall, that I can do.I gather my supplies and head there glancing around the hall to make sure Caleb isn't around.Everyday it's a careful dance, with careful words, careful looks…just careful.Everything is so fucking careful.
But what do you do when you fuck everything up?When you destroy something good over a stupid crush.You know what I do.Hide.Hide at work, hide at lunch, hide from Caleb, a grown ass man playing hide-n-seek all day everyday, it's not as fun as you might think.
As I’m spackling the holes in one section I hear footsteps approaching, it can only be Caleb.I dart across the room and slip into the utility closet peering through a slit in the door.“Cole?I brought you coff…” Caleb trails off not seeing me.He turns his gaze towards the utility closet and I turn away from the doorway.He sighs a heavily burdened sigh and drops the coffee off next to the paint bucket and walks out.
He does this sometimes, leaving little treats but I dont want his pity gifts, so I usually throw them away or leave them untouched.I'm a coward, I know that, but I don't know what to say to him anymore.How can I fix what I broke?How do I make him stop looking at me like I'm fragile?I sigh leaving the utility closet.I pick up the coffee cup and throw it into the nearest trash can.
Everyday is similar to this morning, it's become exhausting.I pull open the refrigerator door, scanning the contents without really seeing them.I grab the container of leftover meatloaf from last night, and the plastic tub of mashed potatoes.I dish it all up and sit at the small dining table pushing the food around on my plate, taking mechanical bites without tasting anything.I told him I was eating at home to have lunch with my Mom.That was an excuse.I’m just one big cowardly excuse of a man.
The door closes jarring me from my thoughts and I look up in time to see Mom startle at the sight of me with her hand on her chest."Oh my God, Cole?"Her voice carries that mixture of surprise and concern that Mothers seem to perfect by the time their kids hit puberty."What are you doing home?"
I hold up my now-empty plate as if it explains everything."Lunch," I say, the single word feeling like it’s all I can manage right now.
"You're home for lunch?Again?"She sets her purse on the table, the soft thud punctuating her question."That's an awful lot recently."Hmm, I guess she's noticed more than I thought.
She slides into the seat next to me with her brow furrowed.I shrug, one shoulder lifting in what I hope looks like casual indifference."We've been busy lately."The lie sits sour on my tongue."Different schedules and all that."
Mom searches my face then sighs, a soft sound filled with concern."You know you can talk to me, right?About anything?"
"I know, Mom," I say, the words hollow.I take a sip of water, the glass nearly empty now.My shields are running out.Mom covers my hand with hers, thumb stroking the back of mine.
"Did someone hurt you?"She asks, her voice barely above a whisper.
"No, Mom."The real truth is I hurt me.I’m not mad at Caleb, I’m mad at myself for fucking ruining everything.
"Then what is it?"She presses.
