Page 32 of Sins of the Flesh
Mason:
Are you ready for your
first gay bar experience on
Saturday, birthday boy?
Me:
Now more than ever!
Seventeen
Caleb
Creep - Radiohead
W
hile sitting in my study on Saturday afternoon my thoughts drift to Cole.It's his birthday today, I wonder what he’s doing.Is he going to a bar?He’s 21 after all and for the millionth time I wonder why any of this is my business at all.Logic and something I can’t name have been at war inside my head for weeks now.
My reaction to Cole with Mason at the potluck has niggled at the back of my mind since.No matter how many times I ask myself why I reacted that way, I have come no closer to an answer on my own.
So, like most people do when they have questions I pull up Google on my phone and type, “Why would a straight man be jealous of other men around his gay friend?”The search results load, and I scroll through them, my heart racing.
"Signs you might be attracted to your friend," one headline reads.I click it, then quickly close the tab, feeling a flush of shame.No, that can't be it.I'm not gay or at least I don’t think I am, I've never been attracted to men before.
I modify my search: "Can you become gay later in life?"The articles that pop up discuss sexual fluidity and how sexuality can evolve over time.But can they evolve from straight to gay or something in between without a person even knowing?
I scroll through the many sexualities stopping to read the definitions of a few.One term and the line beneath it catches my eye: asexuality, no sexual interest.I know that’s not entirely me but I click the link to read more.The article expands into different types of asexuality, including one called demisexuality.
"A person who doesn’t experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone first."I feel my pulse quicken as I read further."Many demisexual people consider themselves to be on the asexuality spectrum, as sexual attraction is uncommon but not absent."I lean back in my chair, my hand shaking yet a strange relief washing over me.
Could this be why I've never felt particularly drawn to anyone sexually before?My marriage to Ally has been more about companionship than passion.We've had a physical relationship of course, but...Cole.
The realization hits me like a freight train.The jealousy, the constant thoughts about him, the way my body responds when he's near, it all points to one uncomfortable truth.I'm sexually attracted to Cole but that doesn’t explain the jealousy.
I type another search: "Can jealousy be a sign of romantic feelings?"The results make my throat tighten."Jealousy often indicates possessiveness and desire for exclusivity in relationships."I set my phone down, my hands trembling, "Oh God," I whisper.
I set out to clear my absurd thoughts of jealousy, thinking hey maybe it's normal to be jealous over your friends.But I think a part of me knew the entire time what everything with Cole actually meant.I just didn't want to believe it...I want to be more than friends with Cole.
There are so many reasons this can't happen.I am a Priest, that alone complicates these crazy feelings but add to that the fact that I am married and much older than him.
What kind of person does this make me?I should stay away from him but I promised to talk to him when this stuff comes up, but what am I gonna say?I think I like you and we can't be around each other because I can't control myself?Ridiculous…I stand up abruptly blowing out a frustrated breath, needing to move, to do something to quiet the cacophony in my head.
Without thinking, I find myself in the bathroom, turning on the shower as steam fills the small space I find myself stripped bare in more ways than one.The hot water pounds against my flesh, and I lean my forehead against the cool tile, trying to fucking drown out my thoughts.But the sensation of water running down my body only makes me more aware of my needs, more attuned to the ache that's been building inside me.
I close my eyes, and there he is… Cole.Those broad shoulders tapering down to a narrow waist, the way his t-shirt sticks to his chest when he's been working up a sweat outside.That light stubble that sometimes appears when he hasn't shaved.
"Stop it," I mutter to myself, but my body isn’t listening anymore.My cock is rock hard, throbbing with a desperate pulse.I've never felt this kind of hunger before, not with Ally.This is primal, raw, all-consuming.
My hand slides down my chest, fingers tracing the lines of my muscles before wrapping around my thick length.I stroke slowly at first, imagining Cole's pale green eyes darkening, those plump lips parting as he watches me fuck my own hand.I picture those lips on my neck, his breath hot in my ear, whispering my name like a dirty secret, "Caleb."
"Cole," I groan back, my voice barely audible over the rushing water.My strokes become faster, more urgent.The fantasy unfolds in vivid detail.Cole pushing me hard against the shower wall, his muscular body slick and wet, caging me in.His lips claim mine with a feral hunger that matches my own.
I imagine his strong hand replacing mine, stroking me with just the right pressure, just the right speed.He knows exactly how to touch me, how to make me moan and beg for more, "fffuck," I groan, as pleasure builds within me, like an electric current coiling tighter and tighter.
My breath hitches as I feel the phantom touch of his other hand exploring lower, cupping my balls making me gasp.It's wrong, so fucking wrong to think of him this way, but I can't stop.
