Page 66 of Sins of the Flesh
“Wait, what?!Grandma I’m not, um uh um…” I stutter.
“Cole, I have always known you were gay.Heck, I have known so long I could have sworn you told me.”She laughs.Fuck is there a neon sign on my forehead?How did everyone know I was gay before I did!?
“You're okay with it?”I ask, my voice small.
“Baby, I'd love you with two heads and hands for feet.This ain't no different,” she says.I beam at her.
“I love you, Grandma, to the moon and back.”She laughs at what we chanted to each other when I was young.
“Go on and tell me about your man.”She urges, squeezing my hand.I take a deep breath.
“He is my boss, which you know, and I think I’m in love with him.”The air leaves my lungs.I thought I had felt it, but admitting it out loud just made it very, very fucking real and scary as fuck.Not to mention, I just told my Grandmother.The momentary panic has me in a chokehold.
Grandma Dotty's eyes twinkle with mischief."Well, don't leave me in suspense, honey.Tell me more about him."I hesitate, suddenly aware of how complicated the situation is.
"It's...not that simple, Grandma.He's the priest at St.Mary's."
Her eyebrows shoot up."A Priest?Oh my, you don't do things by halves, do you?"She chuckles, then squeezes my hand."But love rarely follows the rules we set for it.How does he feel about you?"I run a hand through my hair, sighing.
"I don't know.Sometimes I think...maybe, he feels something too.But other times, I'm sure I'm just imagining it."
Grandma Dotty nods sagely."The heart sees what it wants to see.But don't sell yourself short, Cole.You're a catch, and any man, Priest or not, would be lucky to have you."I feel my cheeks flush.
"Thanks, Grandma.I don’t know if we can ever be more than a secret though."
She waves her hand dismissively."Psh, technicalities.Love finds a way, you mark my words."Her eyes soften as she looks at me."Just promise me one thing, Cole.Don't let fear hold you back from living your life fully.I've seen too many people waste years hiding who they are, and it breaks my heart every time."
My Mom and Aunt Ruth return to the room, and I place my finger on my lips to indicate it's a secret.She nods, motioning like she's zipping her lips.“Now, git boy, I need to have a word with your Mama.”I laugh, hug her, and leave the room.
They sent Grandma home the next day, amazed that she hadn't passed.She made it a point to scream at them as she left the hospital, saying, “You can't get rid of me that easily!”It was comforting to know that Grandma Dotty wasn't going anywhere anytime soon if she had anything to say about it.
Mom and I decided it was safe to head home, so we said our goodbyes and caught our flight back.Mom slept on the plane the whole way back.Since her and Grandma spokeshe had been somber.Mom’s mood was no better during the drive back to Baylee.
“Cole, I need to see him,” she said without looking at me.“William, I need to say goodbye.”In the 3 years since Dad’s passing, Mom hadn't visited his grave once; on the day he was buried, she didn't attend the services or burial either.I understood, I can't imagine the grief losing your soulmate would cause.
I glance at Mom, seeing the mix of determination and fear in her eyes.
"Are you sure?"I ask gently, knowing how much she's avoided this moment.She nods, her knuckles white on the steering wheel.
"Your Grandma...she reminded me that life's too short to keep running from the past.I need to face this, Cole.For both of us."
We drive in silence for a while, the landscape blurring past.Finally, Mom speaks again, her voice barely above a whisper."Will you come with me?"
"Of course," I say without hesitation."I'll be right there with you, Mom."
We make a detour to the small cemetery where Dad is buried.As the headstones come into view, I feel a lump forming in my throat.I haven't been here since the funeral, and the memories come rushing back.
Mom parks the car but doesn't move to get out.I reach over and squeeze her hand."We can do this together," I tell her.She takes a shaky breath and nods.We walk hand-in-hand through the quiet rows of headstones until we reach Dad's.
The smell of fresh cut grass carries in the chilled late February breeze.The polished granite gleams in the weak winter sunlight, my father's name etched in bold letters.Mom's grip on my hand tightens as we stand before it like she’s trying to ground herself.
For a long moment, neither of us speaks.Then Mom takes a deep breath and steps forward, releasing my hand.She kneels in front of the headstone, her fingers tracing the letters of Dad's name.
"Hey, Teddy Bear," she says softly, her voice trembling."I'm sorry it took me so long to come see you."I hang back, giving Mom some space as she talks to Dad.Her words are too quiet for me to hear, but I can see her shoulders shaking with silent sobs.My own eyes fill with tears as I watch her finally confront the grief she's been avoiding for so long.
After what feels like hours, Mom stands up and turns to me.Her face is tear-stained but there's a lightness in her eyes I haven't seen in years.She holds out her arms, and I step into her embrace.We stand there for a long moment, holding each other as the breeze rustles through the trees.
"Thank you for being here with me," Mom whispers.
